In an Adventure With Napoleon by Gideon Defoe, Richard Murkin Page B
Authors: Gideon Defoe, Richard Murkin
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that Napoleon gave the Pirate Captain a big Gallic hug, and then spun on his heel to survey the rest of the room. Noticing Jennifer he doffed his hat again and stepped forward to kiss her hand.
‘Young lady,
enchanté
’, said Napoleon. ‘Do not be surprised or embarrassed if you swoon in my presence. It is quite the normal reaction amongst the fairer sex.’
‘I’ll do my best,’ said Jennifer.
‘And you.’ Napoleon patted the pirate with a scarf on the back. ‘You too are probably feeling you will faint just from the thrill of breathing the same air as Napoleon. Well, faint away! Nobody will think any less of you.’
The pirate with a scarf just blushed and stared at the floor.
‘Shouldn’t you be off tying to take over the world, Mister Napoleon?’ asked the albino pirate, looking a bitstar-struck. ‘Or have you changed jobs and become a bee-keeper too?’
‘No, my porcelain friend,’ said Napoleon, his face suddenly clouding over. ‘I simply grew tired of the conquering business. So I have come here to this godforsaken rock to enjoy a peaceful retirement. I am here completely of my own volition, and anybody who says otherwise is a liar and a charlatan.’
‘Mister Bonaparte,’ said the Governor hurrying forward to take the general’s things. ‘It’s a real honour to have you as a guest on our humble island.’
‘Anyhow,’ said the Pirate Captain, turning back to the gamine lady islander having decided it was high time he got his anecdote back on track. ‘As I was saying, there’s a rather interesting story behind how I came by that crystal bear.’
‘Ah yes,
bears
,’ said Napoleon. He nimbly slipped his arm around the gamine girl’s waist and led her over to a couch. ‘That reminds me of the time I invaded Russia. Let me tell you all about it. You are extremely gamine, by the way.’
Across the room Jennifer leaned over to the pirate with a scarf. ‘The Pirate Captain’s gone a very funny colour,’ she said. ‘What on earth can the matter be?’
‘I think,’ replied the pirate with a scarf ruefully, ‘it has something to do with chimpanzees.’
15 If you’re hosting a party try to make sure you have plenty of biscuits. Custard creams recently topped a poll to find Britain’s favourite biscuit, easily beating the competition with 93 per cent of the vote.
Seven
DATELINE:
MURDERING!
hat a ridiculous little man,’ remarked the Pirate Captain to nobody in particular over breakfast the next morning. ‘Have you ever met anyone with such a high opinion of themselves?’
‘It rings a bell,’ said the pirate in red.
‘It’s a wonder his head doesn’t explode,’ said the Pirate Captain, choosing to ignore this comment. ‘Remind me not to wear my best coat when I’m around the fellow, because I don’t want to end up with exploding Corsican brain go all over me.’
‘Well, I think it’s very exciting to have Mister Napoleon as a neighbour,’ said the albino pirate. ‘I mean to say, he almost conquered the whole of Europe!’
‘And I ate the whole of that mixed grill that time.Not “almost ate,” you’ll notice. I finished the job,’ said the Captain with a scowl, moodily buttering his Weetabix.
At the sound of an envelope plopping onto the mat, all the pirates bounded excitedly to the door. In comparison to the sort of sounds that got the pirates excited on their previous adventures ‘the sound of an envelope plopping onto the mat’ wasn’t really all that great. Normally they could expect ‘the sound of grapeshot tearing through the rigging’ or ‘the sound of a tidal wave crashing across the deck’ or at the very least ‘the sound of the pirate in green being a bit seasick’. But with their new domestic existence they found they had to settle for what they could get.
‘An envelope!’ said the albino pirate. ‘What do you suppose it could be?’
‘Maybe it’s a love letter from an admiral’s daughter!’
‘Or a chain letter telling us
‘Young lady,
enchanté
’, said Napoleon. ‘Do not be surprised or embarrassed if you swoon in my presence. It is quite the normal reaction amongst the fairer sex.’
‘I’ll do my best,’ said Jennifer.
‘And you.’ Napoleon patted the pirate with a scarf on the back. ‘You too are probably feeling you will faint just from the thrill of breathing the same air as Napoleon. Well, faint away! Nobody will think any less of you.’
The pirate with a scarf just blushed and stared at the floor.
‘Shouldn’t you be off tying to take over the world, Mister Napoleon?’ asked the albino pirate, looking a bitstar-struck. ‘Or have you changed jobs and become a bee-keeper too?’
‘No, my porcelain friend,’ said Napoleon, his face suddenly clouding over. ‘I simply grew tired of the conquering business. So I have come here to this godforsaken rock to enjoy a peaceful retirement. I am here completely of my own volition, and anybody who says otherwise is a liar and a charlatan.’
‘Mister Bonaparte,’ said the Governor hurrying forward to take the general’s things. ‘It’s a real honour to have you as a guest on our humble island.’
‘Anyhow,’ said the Pirate Captain, turning back to the gamine lady islander having decided it was high time he got his anecdote back on track. ‘As I was saying, there’s a rather interesting story behind how I came by that crystal bear.’
‘Ah yes,
bears
,’ said Napoleon. He nimbly slipped his arm around the gamine girl’s waist and led her over to a couch. ‘That reminds me of the time I invaded Russia. Let me tell you all about it. You are extremely gamine, by the way.’
Across the room Jennifer leaned over to the pirate with a scarf. ‘The Pirate Captain’s gone a very funny colour,’ she said. ‘What on earth can the matter be?’
‘I think,’ replied the pirate with a scarf ruefully, ‘it has something to do with chimpanzees.’
15 If you’re hosting a party try to make sure you have plenty of biscuits. Custard creams recently topped a poll to find Britain’s favourite biscuit, easily beating the competition with 93 per cent of the vote.
Seven
DATELINE:
MURDERING!
hat a ridiculous little man,’ remarked the Pirate Captain to nobody in particular over breakfast the next morning. ‘Have you ever met anyone with such a high opinion of themselves?’
‘It rings a bell,’ said the pirate in red.
‘It’s a wonder his head doesn’t explode,’ said the Pirate Captain, choosing to ignore this comment. ‘Remind me not to wear my best coat when I’m around the fellow, because I don’t want to end up with exploding Corsican brain go all over me.’
‘Well, I think it’s very exciting to have Mister Napoleon as a neighbour,’ said the albino pirate. ‘I mean to say, he almost conquered the whole of Europe!’
‘And I ate the whole of that mixed grill that time.Not “almost ate,” you’ll notice. I finished the job,’ said the Captain with a scowl, moodily buttering his Weetabix.
At the sound of an envelope plopping onto the mat, all the pirates bounded excitedly to the door. In comparison to the sort of sounds that got the pirates excited on their previous adventures ‘the sound of an envelope plopping onto the mat’ wasn’t really all that great. Normally they could expect ‘the sound of grapeshot tearing through the rigging’ or ‘the sound of a tidal wave crashing across the deck’ or at the very least ‘the sound of the pirate in green being a bit seasick’. But with their new domestic existence they found they had to settle for what they could get.
‘An envelope!’ said the albino pirate. ‘What do you suppose it could be?’
‘Maybe it’s a love letter from an admiral’s daughter!’
‘Or a chain letter telling us
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