when Sapphire opened her mouth, she shot out more explanation. It felt good to interrupt her. âBecause I have idiots all around me. Because I want to be mad.â
âIâm not an idiot, and Iâm not stupid. You are! Youâre stupid for being mad all the time for no reason.â
Sapphire had had enough, and she stomped off to her own space where Meagan wouldnât have the chance to lash out. She made sure to slam her bedroom door as a period to the pointless conversation.
****
After following suit by slamming the bathroom door, and hopping into a steaming shower, Meagan began to calm down. She went over and over the encounter with her sister, agonizing over her crazy reaction. When Meagan made a mistake it was hard to let it go, sometimes it felt impossible. The broken record of her misconduct played on repeat for hours after any incident. She could see the images, playing again and again in her mind, and she longed to hit stop. But she couldnât. Instead she would analyze the situation until she was blue in the face, and still couldnât change it.
But even knowing it was futile didnât help her stop the obsessive tendency.
The same happened after cutting sometimes. Sheâd be in class, thinking about how it had felt physically and emotionally. She thought about how her skin had appeared, and how she'd felt different afterward. Sheâd think about it until she forced herself to need it again that evening.
Usually she didnât need to scratch too often, unless she was pushed to the breaking point, or if she thought too much about the itch.
Why had Meagan flipped out on Sapphire? She didnât deserve it, not at all. Why couldnât she just contain her outbursts? She didnât want to have these issues. Couldnât she just have regular emotions instead of outlandish followed by flatness?
She just wanted to be like everyone else.
Slowly the warm water washed away Meaganâs rage and left her with remorse. Sapphire didnât deserve being called names. All sheâd done was trip over her bag. She hadnât even broken anything. Meagan knew she needed to apologize, so after her shower, she knocked softly on Sapphireâs door.
âCan I come in?â
âAbsolutely not.â
Sapphire didnât usually let things go immediately. Not that she had to, but Meagan would feel guilty until she was forgiven.
âI just wanted to say Iâm sorry.â Meagan mumbled, but she knew Sapphire had heard.
âYou should be.â
And Meagan shuffled to her bedroom, quietly wishing she could be someone else.
****
âMeagan will you please come up for dinner?â
That was the fourth time her dad had yelled down the stairs. She wasnât hungry, but he wasnât going to let her skip the meal.
âFine,â she yelled back.
She couldâve just gone upstairs without sounding put out about it, but she didnât.
When she reached the kitchen, Meagan was greeted with a dinner she didnât like and an already hostile environment. Sapphire was still annoyed, and her mom was definitely crabby. She could just feel this wouldnât be a good meal. And to make matters worse, she let out a sigh as she sat on her chair.
âFinally.â
âSorry.â The sass in her tone felt unavoidable.
âDonât talk to your mother like that.â
âLike what?â She knew she was just being difficult, but she pressed on.
âLike that . Like you are the queen of this house, and you can talk down to anyone you please. Well, you canât, Meagan. You need to grow up.â
Again she flared red.
âSeriously? Grow up? You need to not be a jerk.â
Meagan knew how to push buttons. She didnât even mean to every time it happened, but somehow when she started, there was no stopping. It was like running down a hill; even if you fell, you kept heading toward the bottom.
âThatâs it!â
Meagan just
âIâm not an idiot, and Iâm not stupid. You are! Youâre stupid for being mad all the time for no reason.â
Sapphire had had enough, and she stomped off to her own space where Meagan wouldnât have the chance to lash out. She made sure to slam her bedroom door as a period to the pointless conversation.
****
After following suit by slamming the bathroom door, and hopping into a steaming shower, Meagan began to calm down. She went over and over the encounter with her sister, agonizing over her crazy reaction. When Meagan made a mistake it was hard to let it go, sometimes it felt impossible. The broken record of her misconduct played on repeat for hours after any incident. She could see the images, playing again and again in her mind, and she longed to hit stop. But she couldnât. Instead she would analyze the situation until she was blue in the face, and still couldnât change it.
But even knowing it was futile didnât help her stop the obsessive tendency.
The same happened after cutting sometimes. Sheâd be in class, thinking about how it had felt physically and emotionally. She thought about how her skin had appeared, and how she'd felt different afterward. Sheâd think about it until she forced herself to need it again that evening.
Usually she didnât need to scratch too often, unless she was pushed to the breaking point, or if she thought too much about the itch.
Why had Meagan flipped out on Sapphire? She didnât deserve it, not at all. Why couldnât she just contain her outbursts? She didnât want to have these issues. Couldnât she just have regular emotions instead of outlandish followed by flatness?
She just wanted to be like everyone else.
Slowly the warm water washed away Meaganâs rage and left her with remorse. Sapphire didnât deserve being called names. All sheâd done was trip over her bag. She hadnât even broken anything. Meagan knew she needed to apologize, so after her shower, she knocked softly on Sapphireâs door.
âCan I come in?â
âAbsolutely not.â
Sapphire didnât usually let things go immediately. Not that she had to, but Meagan would feel guilty until she was forgiven.
âI just wanted to say Iâm sorry.â Meagan mumbled, but she knew Sapphire had heard.
âYou should be.â
And Meagan shuffled to her bedroom, quietly wishing she could be someone else.
****
âMeagan will you please come up for dinner?â
That was the fourth time her dad had yelled down the stairs. She wasnât hungry, but he wasnât going to let her skip the meal.
âFine,â she yelled back.
She couldâve just gone upstairs without sounding put out about it, but she didnât.
When she reached the kitchen, Meagan was greeted with a dinner she didnât like and an already hostile environment. Sapphire was still annoyed, and her mom was definitely crabby. She could just feel this wouldnât be a good meal. And to make matters worse, she let out a sigh as she sat on her chair.
âFinally.â
âSorry.â The sass in her tone felt unavoidable.
âDonât talk to your mother like that.â
âLike what?â She knew she was just being difficult, but she pressed on.
âLike that . Like you are the queen of this house, and you can talk down to anyone you please. Well, you canât, Meagan. You need to grow up.â
Again she flared red.
âSeriously? Grow up? You need to not be a jerk.â
Meagan knew how to push buttons. She didnât even mean to every time it happened, but somehow when she started, there was no stopping. It was like running down a hill; even if you fell, you kept heading toward the bottom.
âThatâs it!â
Meagan just
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