Just Kill Me by Adam Selzer

in the newspaper archives.
    The devil baby was definitely a real rumor that everyone got all excited about; Jane Addams wrote a whole book about it. But she said it was just an urban legend that had no basis in fact. Even if someone had brought a “devil baby” to Hull House, I assume they would have taken it to the hospital, not buried it alive! Jane Addams would never have buried a baby alive, and fuck anyone who says she would.
    Also, I found a whole physician’s report on theguy they tried to bring back to life after they hanged him. They got his heart beating again but his neck was broken.
    From: Megan
    To: Ricardo Torre, Cynthia Fargon
    Date: Thursday, 12:45 a.m.
    Subject: More Articles
    Found a few articles about that Marjorie Kay Stone woman, too. Have you seen this one from the 1960s describing her “Finders of Magwitch Park” business? Not that I doubted you guys, but she sounds like a real trip. It talks about her finding a monkey who could play Monopoly in a commercial. Fun job.
    From: Ricardo Torre
    To: Cynthia Fargon, Megan
    Date: Thursday, 1:15 a.m.
    Subject: Monkey
    I could totally teach a monkey to play Monopoly. You just have to lay down the law. You say, “Listen, Monkey. Getting $500 for landing on Free Parking is a house rule, not a real rule, and we play the realrules here.” If he doesn’t play right, no bananas.
    Thursday, 1:22 a.m.
    From: Cynthia Fargon
    To: Ricardo Torre, Megan
    Subject: Re: Monkey
    Doinkus.

    ZOEY BABY:
    Congrats on the job! You will be awesome.
    MEG:
    YAY!
    MEG:
    I’m a murdermonger now. Mom’s gonna kill me.
    ZOEY BABY:
    Murdermonger?
    MEG:
    OED word for a person who deals in murder stories.
    ZOEY BABY:
    Hehe. Look up “ghost.”
    MEG:
    The “ghost” entry is huge! Earliest English use is from “Old English Text #178” in the year 800: “To ymbhycggannae . . . hust his ‘gasta’ . . . seter deothrage doemid uueorth[ae.”
    ZOEY BABY:
    Bork bork bork.
    MEG:
    HEHE! Well, autocorrect hates me now.
    MEG:
    Here’s a pic of the inside of the tomb. Rick just sent it to me, so you are the first outside Chicago to see it in decades.
    MEG:
    Would that be enough to get you to send one of you? Even just, like, a silhouette, so I know what to picture when we’re . . . you know . . .
    ZOEY BABY:
    Hmmm . . . *blush* I just get so nervous about that stuff. . . .
    MEG:
    It’s okay. No pressure.
    MEG:
    Here’s another of me. Enjoy, baby.
    ZOEY BABY:
    mmmmmmmmmmmm nighty night, my little murdermonger.
    MEGAN:
    Swoon.

    From: Megan
    To: Cynthia Fargon, Ricardo Torre
    Date: Thursday, 2:30 a.m.
    Subject: Re: More Articles
    Digging up articles on the Couch tomb now.
    There’s a 1911 one in the Chicago Examiner where a Chicago city official says he went inside in 1901 and it was empty. But in the same article, Ira’s grandson says the bodies were never moved, and that he thinks there are at least eight people in there, including two of his own brothers. Dude ought to know where his own brothers were.
    From: Megan
    To: Cynthia Fargon, Ricardo Torre
    Date: Thursday, 4:45 am
    Subject: Script for my Res Mary story
    See attached file. This look okay? Found a few things on Mary Bregovy in the archives. Even if the ghost is real, it can’t be her—the stories were already a few years old when she died. But people have been saying the ghost was her for years, so I can see why you’d use her as an intro. None of the others died right on the tour route!
    From: Ricardo Torre
    To: Cynthia Fargon, Megan
    Date: Thursday, 6:00 a.m.
    Subject: Re: Script for my Res Mary story
    Jesus, Megan, go to sleep! Seriously!
    But—great job. You’re a natural, my little padawan!
    On the Couch tomb: the guy who says it was empty in that article is a Chicago city official. Might as well listen to Edward Tweed.
    On Mary: Your script looks good, but it might be