much. Even just remembering the darkness of the room, and the sheets that had followed his body, sliding off me when he turned away, hurts. “I laid my entire heart out there, and he left.”
“What do you mean he left?” Anna asks.
“I mean he left. He’s not coming back.”
No one says anything for a few moments.
“Well, look. There’s only two options,” Dolly says, standing.
“Dolly, sit,” Cassie murmurs.
Dolly isn’t hearing any of Cassie’s pleas. “He either thinks you’re worth more than his secret, or he doesn’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Dolly,” Cassie warns, but Dolly shakes her head. “Look, Cass. We can sit here and spout sweet nothing and smell each other’s rainbow farts, but that isn’t going to change what happened. The fact is, Laura deserved the truth and she didn’t get it. This is on him, not her. She wanted more, he wasn’t willing to give it to her. Guys are assholes. Freaks who wear masks around are probably even bigger assholes than most, or they’re so mentally disturbed that it doesn’t even matter if they’re assholes or not because their hobby precludes them from treating others with respect.”
My friends look at Dolly with horror. I sigh and straighten my back. “Dolly is right. He didn’t want me enough. And it’s better I found out now rather than later. I just wish I’d known sooner…”
Dolly sighs. “He didn’t want to ruin a good thing. Guys don’t turn down free pussy.”
“Jesus, Dolly! Are you trying to comfort her or make her jump out the window?” Cassie yells.
“I’m just calling it like I see it,” Dolly says. “You don’t do anyone any good, especially yourself, by hiding your head and believing in fairy tales.”
“It’s alright,” I interject. Cassie looks like she wants to pummel Dolly. “I can take it. It’s who I was before that I can’t take. I wasn’t satisfied, but I made myself believe that I was satisfied, because I was too much of a coward to accept the truth.”
Dolly’s eyes soften. Cassie kneels on the floor before me as Anna continues to rub my back.
“You aren’t pathetic. You just loved a jerk,” Dolly says.
“It takes a while to get over it, but you will. You’re strong,” Cassie tells me. “It will be alright.”
I don’t feel strong. I suppose they’re referring to the fact that I survived witnessing my mother’s death. I don’t know if it was strength that did it. I just coasted along. I endured. And I’ll survive this too, I know, because I’m good at enduring and burying the parts of myself I don’t want to look at. I’m good at pretending not to remember the memories that hurt.
“We always are here for you. We love you,” Anna says, hugging me. “Oh gosh, this scene is making me all snuffly.”
“Oh gosh , someone give her some tissue so she doesn’t use my shirt,” I laugh.
“Hey,” Anna pushes me playfully, “I’m trying to help you.”
“I know,” I say, wrapping my arm around her. “Thanks you guys.”
We all smile. None of us believe I’m over it, but I think that’s okay because I have them. I’ll find myself again. It might take a while, but I know I will. I can survive anything when my friends have my back.
Of course, it’s hard to stay happy for long. I fill up my days with The Notepad marathons with Anna. Sometimes Cassie feels so bad for the two of us weeping idiots that she joins in and lets me and Anna use her shirt as a handkerchief. Dolly doesn’t. She says I need to get to the club, but I’m not ready for it yet. I don’t know when I’ll be ready again.
I thought that I knew what longing was.
I thought that, maybe, if I stopped seeing him I would stop feeding this addiction.
That maybe, when he left, I would find myself again.
But it’s not like that. I was wrong. I feel more for him now that he’s gone.
I was so determined to forget him and I just couldn’t. Sometimes I stop playing by the fountain and search the
“What do you mean he left?” Anna asks.
“I mean he left. He’s not coming back.”
No one says anything for a few moments.
“Well, look. There’s only two options,” Dolly says, standing.
“Dolly, sit,” Cassie murmurs.
Dolly isn’t hearing any of Cassie’s pleas. “He either thinks you’re worth more than his secret, or he doesn’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Dolly,” Cassie warns, but Dolly shakes her head. “Look, Cass. We can sit here and spout sweet nothing and smell each other’s rainbow farts, but that isn’t going to change what happened. The fact is, Laura deserved the truth and she didn’t get it. This is on him, not her. She wanted more, he wasn’t willing to give it to her. Guys are assholes. Freaks who wear masks around are probably even bigger assholes than most, or they’re so mentally disturbed that it doesn’t even matter if they’re assholes or not because their hobby precludes them from treating others with respect.”
My friends look at Dolly with horror. I sigh and straighten my back. “Dolly is right. He didn’t want me enough. And it’s better I found out now rather than later. I just wish I’d known sooner…”
Dolly sighs. “He didn’t want to ruin a good thing. Guys don’t turn down free pussy.”
“Jesus, Dolly! Are you trying to comfort her or make her jump out the window?” Cassie yells.
“I’m just calling it like I see it,” Dolly says. “You don’t do anyone any good, especially yourself, by hiding your head and believing in fairy tales.”
“It’s alright,” I interject. Cassie looks like she wants to pummel Dolly. “I can take it. It’s who I was before that I can’t take. I wasn’t satisfied, but I made myself believe that I was satisfied, because I was too much of a coward to accept the truth.”
Dolly’s eyes soften. Cassie kneels on the floor before me as Anna continues to rub my back.
“You aren’t pathetic. You just loved a jerk,” Dolly says.
“It takes a while to get over it, but you will. You’re strong,” Cassie tells me. “It will be alright.”
I don’t feel strong. I suppose they’re referring to the fact that I survived witnessing my mother’s death. I don’t know if it was strength that did it. I just coasted along. I endured. And I’ll survive this too, I know, because I’m good at enduring and burying the parts of myself I don’t want to look at. I’m good at pretending not to remember the memories that hurt.
“We always are here for you. We love you,” Anna says, hugging me. “Oh gosh, this scene is making me all snuffly.”
“Oh gosh , someone give her some tissue so she doesn’t use my shirt,” I laugh.
“Hey,” Anna pushes me playfully, “I’m trying to help you.”
“I know,” I say, wrapping my arm around her. “Thanks you guys.”
We all smile. None of us believe I’m over it, but I think that’s okay because I have them. I’ll find myself again. It might take a while, but I know I will. I can survive anything when my friends have my back.
Of course, it’s hard to stay happy for long. I fill up my days with The Notepad marathons with Anna. Sometimes Cassie feels so bad for the two of us weeping idiots that she joins in and lets me and Anna use her shirt as a handkerchief. Dolly doesn’t. She says I need to get to the club, but I’m not ready for it yet. I don’t know when I’ll be ready again.
I thought that I knew what longing was.
I thought that, maybe, if I stopped seeing him I would stop feeding this addiction.
That maybe, when he left, I would find myself again.
But it’s not like that. I was wrong. I feel more for him now that he’s gone.
I was so determined to forget him and I just couldn’t. Sometimes I stop playing by the fountain and search the
Similar Books
