Laggan Lard Butts by Eric Walters

weren’t running to the washroom to throw up, were sitting on the bench too sick and too weak to play. Half the team—and most of the starters—had been hit with the flu bug! They must have felt awful, in more ways than one. I almost felt sorry for them. Almost. I thought about how much pity they’d shown us in the two blowout victories they’d had.
    Go, Lard Butts, Go!

chapter eleven
    â€œLard Butts?”
    I looked up from my desk to see my father standing at my bedroom door.
    â€œHow did you hear?”
    â€œI got a call from Mr. McGregor.”
    â€œI can’t believe he called you.”
    â€œWhy not? Our home phone number must be on his speed dial,” my father said.
    â€œNot lately.”
    â€œCome to think of it, it has been awhile,”my father agreed. “Does that mean you’ve been staying out of trouble, or you’re not getting caught? Or has Mr. McGregor given up because you’re leaving soon?”
    I laughed. “Maybe a little of all of the above. So what did he say?”
    â€œHe told me about the contest to rename the teams. I always thought Lairds was a pretty stupid name. I think everybody always thought that. Finally one person was brave enough—or stupid enough—to suggest it.” He pointed at me.
    â€œI fit one of those categories.”
    â€œSometimes you fit both. Couldn’t you come up with a better name than Lard Butts?” he asked.
    â€œThere are lots of other names. Lizards, Dragons, Lynx, Leopards, Lions—”
    â€œLeopards, now that’s a name for a team. I wouldn’t have minded being a Laggan Leopard when I played for the school.”
    â€œThat’s my least favorite of all. I’d rather be a Lard Butt.”
    â€œWouldn’t it be better to be a Lion or a Dragon instead of a Lard Butt?”
    â€œMaybe. Probably. Yes.”
    â€œThen why are you trying to change the name to Lard Butts?”
    I shrugged. “It just sort of happened.”
    â€œAnd now that it’s just sort of happened, you don’t know how to stop it, right?”
    I shook my head. “But that’s okay. It’s not like it’s going to actually win.”
    â€œMr. McGregor thinks it might.”
    â€œHe said that?” I asked in amazement.
    â€œHe didn’t say that, but if he wasn’t worried he wouldn’t have called.”
    I hadn’t really thought of that. Why would he be wasting his time on a name that didn’t have a chance? That thought made me happy and nervous at the same time.
    â€œWhat exactly did he say?”
    â€œHe didn’t say it in so many words, but I think he was hoping that I could convince you to rethink this.”
    â€œAnd you said?”
    â€œI said that it’s rare enough that you
think
, so having you
re
think might be asking too much,” he said and started to laugh.
    â€œNo, seriously, what did you say?”
    â€œNothing. I just listened.”
    I waited for my father to go on, but he didn’t.
    â€œDo you think we should rethink it?” I asked.
    â€œI know that most of what gets you in trouble is that you’re too stubborn to admit when you’re wrong. In this case, you won’t change your mind even though you know you’re wrong.”
    â€œI’m not necessarily wrong. It’s just a name. They can always hold another election next year if they don’t like the name that wins this year.”
    â€œI guess you have a point,” he said. “But if you combed your hair—”
    â€œA different way it wouldn’t show,” I said, finishing his very bad, very old joke.
    â€œYeah. You know me, I’m not going to tell you what to do.”
    â€œEspecially about being too stubborn. No question which parent I get that from,” I said.
    â€œLet’s not say bad things about your mother. I’m just saying it would be okay if you changed your mind.”
    â€œI know.