Learning to Move Forward: Novella #3.5 by Cynthia P. O'Neill

obsessed with the need to write down this memory. I think this may be the answer I’m seeking as to why I’ve had problems submitting to one of Jonathan’s positions where I always safe word on him.
    “What’s wrong, Grace? Talk to me, please.” He’s freaked out because I am.
    I grabbed hold of my robe and wrapped it tightly around me as I searched for my notebook. I looked over at him. “Where’s my notebook? I remembered something that I’d blocked out and I need to write it down so I don’t forget it.” My hands try to express my urgency and need to get this done.
    I watched as he jumped out of bed and threw on a pair of boxers. “It’s downstairs. I’ll go get it.”
    He’s back within a couple minutes, but I’ve already begun pacing the floor. I wanted to call Laurel and talk with her to see if she remembers me telling her anything about my memory. However, I glanced at the clock and realized it’s three in the morning. She might be up for a feeding, but I didn’t want to risk it.
    Jonathan stopped me mid-pace. “Here’s your notebook. Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe make you some tea to help calm you?” He bent his knees so we’re eye level. “I’m here for you, always!”
    I wrapped my hands around his neck and drew him in for a quick kiss. “I know you are and I love you for that. Some hot tea does sound nice. I just need to get this thought down.” I’m not sure whether I’m ready to talk about what I remembered because it has my insides quaking with nerves. “I’m not sure, but I might need to talk this out when I’m done.”
    He seemed relieved by my words, knowing that I’m not pushing him away from what I remembered, instead I’m inviting him into my mind and sharing what’s bothering me. I get that whatever is bothering him will bother me and vice versa, so I’m willing to focus on the “we” to make “us” better.
    I noticed his shoulders relaxed and a smile spread across his face. “We’re in this together, love.” He hugged me tight to his chest and ran his hands down across my back in soothing circles. “I’ll get your tea while you write.”
    I was already at the desk writing when he left the room.
     
    August 8,
    How on earth could I forget such a thing? My last entry had my plans to go out with Barry and then reject him for using and hurting my feelings. I thought the plan had merit, and in my sleep I remembered that I called Laurel, told her what I was going to do, and she agreed. However, she asked me to take my cell phone and let her brother, Donny, know where I’d be.
    Her brother, and his friend, Freddie, had stayed over at our place for the weekend. They were attending Duke University, which was only a couple towns over from ours. Donny was missing the familiarity of family and my parents had offered them to spend the weekend with us.
    I remember thinking my plan was foolproof and I’d have safety with Donny as my back-up. How wrong I was!
    Donny warned me that it was a bad idea and I should’ve listened. Barry was all nice and sweet until he pulled into the abandoned field outside of town. He seemed to go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in a matter of minutes.
    I’d let him talk me into the backseat, where we could get closer to one another and kiss. He kissed and groped my body like a mad man. He’d been gentler the first time he’d talked me into sleeping with him.
    When he pinched my nipple hard enough to make me scream, I pushed him back and demanded he stop. He tried convincing me that I needed what he had and he was the only one who could give it to me. That was total bullshit. I didn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t trust, who only wanted to hurt me. Granted, he was amazing when we’d slept together, but I’d never admit it.
    I remember reaching for the car door and hearing the locks engage. He grabbed hold of my blonde locks and pulled me back against him. One hand held my hair tight as the other wrapped firmly around my