Love, Always by Yessi Smith Page A

again, and I sigh at his unconditional faith.
    “You’ll take care of Josie?” I ask, because I feel I should.
    “She’s my girl,” he answers.
    “Yeah, she is.” I smile at him, at the memory of them together. No matter what, they’ll be okay. There’s comfort in that.
    I turn around to find the doctor I spoke to last night. She introduces herself to Adam as Dr. Rios and explains the treatment I will be receiving along with the medications I will be taking and the therapy sessions I am required to participate in.
    “We also have family sessions in which the patient’s family can partake in,” Dr. Rios offers. Adam isn’t family, but he’s all I have left.
    “I’ll be there.” Adam squeezes my hand I hadn’t realized he had taken and I squeeze back.
    “Deeana,” Dr. Rios addresses me. “Breakfast is being served now. You are expected to maintain the same schedule as the rest of our patients.”
    I nod my head, understanding I am being dismissed and quickly hug Adam.
    “I’ll come visit you whenever I can.”
    I hold back the tears as I nod my head quickly before leaving. Sweet and sturdy Adam. He’s a rock that never falters. I’d be lost without him.
    Before I go to the sitting area, I go back to my room and stuff my bra with toilet paper in the hopes that it’ll soak up the milk Josie won’t be drinking. Guilt hits my gut; I should breast feed my daughter. I should want to… but the I should’s are useless noncommittal voids, because the truth is I don’t care.
    I eat breakfast alone and stare at the beige walls with paintings plastered to the wall. I guess people have been known to remove the paintings in an attempt at suicide by art. There are two pay phones on the other side of the room, close to the sitting area with the television. Who knew payphones still existed?   
    A girl around my age, maybe younger, takes a seat in front of me, but I don’t acknowledge her presence. Instead I continue to eat my food and drink my juice in what I hope to be continued silence.
    “I’m Hayley.” No such luck. I ignore her outstretched hand and continue the monotony of chewing and swallowing. “You’re new here.”
    I take the small clear cup that holds whatever pills Dr. Rios has prescribed for me and debate whether or not I actually want to take them. My mother taught me pills were a sign of weakness. Yeah, well, I’m sure ending up in a nut farm is also a sure sign of weakness. Without thinking, I bring the cup to my lips and swallow three small pills dry.
    “What’d they give you?” Hayley asks a bit too cheerfully. Maybe she’s on one of these magic happy pills and soon enough I’ll be spewing out excitement.
    “I don’t know.” I get up to leave, but Hayley stops me with her hand on mine.
    “It’s your first day, but eventually you’re gonna wanna leave this place. To do that you gotta play nice and make friends.”
    “I don’t want friends.”
    “It doesn’t matter what you want, just what they want.” She points at the nurses watching us behind their glass window and I shudder.
    I don’t bother to thank Hayley for her unsolicited advice. I just throw my trash away and walk to my room where I hide under the covers, hoping this self-induced nightmare will soon be over.

    Adam doesn’t come back until the next day, just after nine AM. I can’t see him right away, because nine is group therapy. I look around me and see an array of different faces, some old, some young, some worn, others in perfect condition; some men, some females, but all alike. We share one similarity; the inability to cope with what’s inside of us.
    I know this to be true as I listen to story after story. They all mesh together until we are just one big clusterfuck of crazies. I walk away from them feeling confused by the union these individuals have formed with one another. They support each other, offer words of comfort when they themselves don’t hold much comfort. It is a foreign world to me, and