the doctors who now control my fate release me. The idea of this confinement sends me on a whirlwind of emotion, leaving me grasping onto my bed until the room spins from me hyperventilating.
Adam
Looking into my baby girl’s face brings me a sense of belonging I’ve never felt before. I gently trace my finger over her nose to her cheek and circle over her chin as I watch her sleep, trying to memorize every one of her features.
She’s so beautiful, so perfect. And when her fingers clasp onto my finger, my world is righted. I know my purpose and I silently swear to protect my daughter for the rest of eternity.
Her features are a delicate combination of Dee and Josh, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy that follows knowing that. Or the guilt that I’m holding Josh’s baby while he never got a glimpse of her or her sweet scent.
But she’s my miracle. I look over at Dee’s empty bed and hope she’ll return from her walk soon so she can finally hold her daughter and see her. See she is a blessing; the greatest blessing.
Stunned. That’s how I feel, which I guess is a step up from depression. I have voluntarily isolated myself from the real world. I have relinquished my freedom to complete strangers. Just a few hours ago I admitted myself into a psych ward. I must be mental, because no sane person would do this to herself.
I get up from my bed carefully. My back hurts, my head hurts, my vagina hurts, and my boobs are leaking milk. But the pain in my heart is the true victor. My roommate is still sleeping and I’m grateful I don’t have to meet her just yet. Unsure of the rules, I walk through the hallways quietly in search of the nurse I originally found. I stop short when I hear Adam’s voice. He’s furious, yelling obscenities while the nurse tries to calm him.
I step in to help the nurse who was kind enough to help me. Adam stops and stares at me, his eyes unwilling to believe what is happening. Without a word I go to him, and he opens his arms like I knew he would. I hear the door close behind us and know the nurse has given us some time alone. In his arms I cry, unattractive sobs that rock me to my core. He pulls me closer and I hear his breath catch and know he is crying with me. We hold each other for a long time before I pull away. I wipe the snot dripping down my nose and try to smile, but the simple act hurts so I simply stare at him.
“Why?” he asks, barely above a whisper, and I shrug my shoulders. “You’ve been getting better. I would’ve helped you get better again.”
“I wasn’t, Adam,” I respond, but he shakes his head in denial. I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. “I wasn’t. I pretended for you, but I can’t go on pretending. I need my life back. The baby deserves better. So do you.”
“You deserve better.” He puts his arms around me and I lean on him like I always do. Maybe one day I’ll be able to lean on myself. “Take your time.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’ll take care of Josie.”
“Josie?” I ask, and he looks away sheepishly.
“I thought we could name her Josie. It’s close to Josh. If you don’t like it—”
“It’s perfect,” I interrupt, my heart splitting at the mere mention of Josh. “You understand, don’t you?” My eyes plead with him, needing to be understood.
“No, sweetie, I don’t. But I’m here, no matter what.”
It’s not what I wanted to hear, but it’ll do.
“I want to feel, Adam. In the article, you said you were going through the motions without feeling the emotions. That’s how I feel all the time; it never goes away. Before I leave my room I stare at the mirror until I come up with a smile that’ll convince you I’m okay. Every night I dread going to bed, because it’s a struggle to get out. I’m tired, Adam, so damn tired.”
“Okay.”
“I just want to feel again. I want to be normal again.”
“You will, Dee. I swear it, you will.” Adam kisses my forehead
Adam
Looking into my baby girl’s face brings me a sense of belonging I’ve never felt before. I gently trace my finger over her nose to her cheek and circle over her chin as I watch her sleep, trying to memorize every one of her features.
She’s so beautiful, so perfect. And when her fingers clasp onto my finger, my world is righted. I know my purpose and I silently swear to protect my daughter for the rest of eternity.
Her features are a delicate combination of Dee and Josh, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy that follows knowing that. Or the guilt that I’m holding Josh’s baby while he never got a glimpse of her or her sweet scent.
But she’s my miracle. I look over at Dee’s empty bed and hope she’ll return from her walk soon so she can finally hold her daughter and see her. See she is a blessing; the greatest blessing.
Stunned. That’s how I feel, which I guess is a step up from depression. I have voluntarily isolated myself from the real world. I have relinquished my freedom to complete strangers. Just a few hours ago I admitted myself into a psych ward. I must be mental, because no sane person would do this to herself.
I get up from my bed carefully. My back hurts, my head hurts, my vagina hurts, and my boobs are leaking milk. But the pain in my heart is the true victor. My roommate is still sleeping and I’m grateful I don’t have to meet her just yet. Unsure of the rules, I walk through the hallways quietly in search of the nurse I originally found. I stop short when I hear Adam’s voice. He’s furious, yelling obscenities while the nurse tries to calm him.
I step in to help the nurse who was kind enough to help me. Adam stops and stares at me, his eyes unwilling to believe what is happening. Without a word I go to him, and he opens his arms like I knew he would. I hear the door close behind us and know the nurse has given us some time alone. In his arms I cry, unattractive sobs that rock me to my core. He pulls me closer and I hear his breath catch and know he is crying with me. We hold each other for a long time before I pull away. I wipe the snot dripping down my nose and try to smile, but the simple act hurts so I simply stare at him.
“Why?” he asks, barely above a whisper, and I shrug my shoulders. “You’ve been getting better. I would’ve helped you get better again.”
“I wasn’t, Adam,” I respond, but he shakes his head in denial. I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. “I wasn’t. I pretended for you, but I can’t go on pretending. I need my life back. The baby deserves better. So do you.”
“You deserve better.” He puts his arms around me and I lean on him like I always do. Maybe one day I’ll be able to lean on myself. “Take your time.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’ll take care of Josie.”
“Josie?” I ask, and he looks away sheepishly.
“I thought we could name her Josie. It’s close to Josh. If you don’t like it—”
“It’s perfect,” I interrupt, my heart splitting at the mere mention of Josh. “You understand, don’t you?” My eyes plead with him, needing to be understood.
“No, sweetie, I don’t. But I’m here, no matter what.”
It’s not what I wanted to hear, but it’ll do.
“I want to feel, Adam. In the article, you said you were going through the motions without feeling the emotions. That’s how I feel all the time; it never goes away. Before I leave my room I stare at the mirror until I come up with a smile that’ll convince you I’m okay. Every night I dread going to bed, because it’s a struggle to get out. I’m tired, Adam, so damn tired.”
“Okay.”
“I just want to feel again. I want to be normal again.”
“You will, Dee. I swear it, you will.” Adam kisses my forehead
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