are involuntary. Cheating is a choice.
To put it another way, what fidelity does not mean is that he'll never think about anyone else ever again. He couldn't do that if he tried. (And he's not gonna try.) Fidelity means that even though he absolutely does fantasize about all other women on the planet Earth (and that restriction is only there because that's the only planet that has any women on it), he chooses to be with you and only you.
Now, this doesn't mean you have to stand for hearing about it. When this woman told me her man was fantasizing about “ex-girlfriends” during sex, my initial thought was, “Is there actually a man that moronic out there? Why in the world did he actually tell her that?” And the answer is that he messed up a little. These little “moron movies” are his business, and as long as they don't mean anything, they should remain his business.
And you are well within your rights as a woman to say, “Hey, listen, whatever happens inside your warped, little mind is your business, okay? I'm not crazy about the idea, but I can't fight biology. But if I ever, ever actually hear about it again—oh, boy, is there going to be big friggin' trouble. In your brain, sure, anything goes. Out here, it's all about me, please. Okay?”
I know that I've made the male fantasy sound like pretty much the most horrific thing you've ever imagined. And if it were on your TV right now, wow, it sure would be. You thought Janet Jackson's nipple got angry letters. If one of these things ever aired, somebody would be going to jail. But just know these fantasies can't hurt you. They don't tell you anything about his commitment or anything else.
And now, yet another very, very common web search that brings womenfolk my way:
How to Ask for What You Want in Bed
So what if he's not, uh, driving you wild in bed? How do you approach it so everybody can get exactly what they're after? It sort of depends on what kind of wrong he is:
New Cop on the Force: You might be with someone who's inexperienced. His confidence is probably not there yet, and he's probably very, very aware that he's doing it all wrong. And he's probably terrified that you think that and doesn't want to bring it up. The key with this guy is encouragement. You want to guide him in the right direction and let him know that you're loving it when he does something well. The last thing you want to do is to make him feel like you think he's a rookie who is no good at this.
Thinks He's Great: There are lots of dudes who really think they are total black belts in the sack. And let's face it, if this is like everything else in the freaking world, I'm guessing that there are probably a lot more guys who think they're great than actually are great. With this guy, it's still going to be about encouragement—but a different kind. And you might even have to… “lie.” Just a little. As in, you might want to tell him, “Oh, I love it when you do XYZ!” even if he has never even approached doing that before. He might feel a little confused if he can't remember ever having done that before. But he'll still figure out a way to somehow give himself credit for having done it. And now that he knows how “great he was at it,” he'll do it more.
Captain Checklist: There are guys who think that they are great “technicians” in bed—i.e., they have various “moves” they do that they are sure “work.” And they can't all be right. Don't encourage stuff that isn't working, or you'll get it all night long. With this guy, you want to make him feel like he's on the right track, but he just needs to calibrate his instruments to your specifications. And when he finally gets it right, make sure he knows about it.
Rebel without a Clue: This is a guy who thinks that just by showing up, you're satisfied. (Why wouldn't you be? He sure is!) If he's going all “Speedy Gonzalez” on you, you might have to really reeducate him. This is a guy who
To put it another way, what fidelity does not mean is that he'll never think about anyone else ever again. He couldn't do that if he tried. (And he's not gonna try.) Fidelity means that even though he absolutely does fantasize about all other women on the planet Earth (and that restriction is only there because that's the only planet that has any women on it), he chooses to be with you and only you.
Now, this doesn't mean you have to stand for hearing about it. When this woman told me her man was fantasizing about “ex-girlfriends” during sex, my initial thought was, “Is there actually a man that moronic out there? Why in the world did he actually tell her that?” And the answer is that he messed up a little. These little “moron movies” are his business, and as long as they don't mean anything, they should remain his business.
And you are well within your rights as a woman to say, “Hey, listen, whatever happens inside your warped, little mind is your business, okay? I'm not crazy about the idea, but I can't fight biology. But if I ever, ever actually hear about it again—oh, boy, is there going to be big friggin' trouble. In your brain, sure, anything goes. Out here, it's all about me, please. Okay?”
I know that I've made the male fantasy sound like pretty much the most horrific thing you've ever imagined. And if it were on your TV right now, wow, it sure would be. You thought Janet Jackson's nipple got angry letters. If one of these things ever aired, somebody would be going to jail. But just know these fantasies can't hurt you. They don't tell you anything about his commitment or anything else.
And now, yet another very, very common web search that brings womenfolk my way:
How to Ask for What You Want in Bed
So what if he's not, uh, driving you wild in bed? How do you approach it so everybody can get exactly what they're after? It sort of depends on what kind of wrong he is:
New Cop on the Force: You might be with someone who's inexperienced. His confidence is probably not there yet, and he's probably very, very aware that he's doing it all wrong. And he's probably terrified that you think that and doesn't want to bring it up. The key with this guy is encouragement. You want to guide him in the right direction and let him know that you're loving it when he does something well. The last thing you want to do is to make him feel like you think he's a rookie who is no good at this.
Thinks He's Great: There are lots of dudes who really think they are total black belts in the sack. And let's face it, if this is like everything else in the freaking world, I'm guessing that there are probably a lot more guys who think they're great than actually are great. With this guy, it's still going to be about encouragement—but a different kind. And you might even have to… “lie.” Just a little. As in, you might want to tell him, “Oh, I love it when you do XYZ!” even if he has never even approached doing that before. He might feel a little confused if he can't remember ever having done that before. But he'll still figure out a way to somehow give himself credit for having done it. And now that he knows how “great he was at it,” he'll do it more.
Captain Checklist: There are guys who think that they are great “technicians” in bed—i.e., they have various “moves” they do that they are sure “work.” And they can't all be right. Don't encourage stuff that isn't working, or you'll get it all night long. With this guy, you want to make him feel like he's on the right track, but he just needs to calibrate his instruments to your specifications. And when he finally gets it right, make sure he knows about it.
Rebel without a Clue: This is a guy who thinks that just by showing up, you're satisfied. (Why wouldn't you be? He sure is!) If he's going all “Speedy Gonzalez” on you, you might have to really reeducate him. This is a guy who
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