couldn’t finish it - girlfriend, lover? “I can’t describe how I feel, because until the accident I thought we were both kind of resolved that we were a couple because it was convenient. It makes Gwen happy, it makes my mom happy, there’s no one on earth I’d rather spend time with, so it was okay, logical even to be a couple.”
Seth could see exactly where this was going and cut me off. “It’s never been out of convenience.”
My voice was still shaky, but this was a conversation we needed to have. “You’re right, but do you really think of me that way? I think my accident scared you and somehow now you think the only way to heal me is to change our relationship around. I’m not sure I want that…”
“ I’ve always worried that you just stayed with me because it was comfortable, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that you will ever have a passionate desire to be with me. It feels like you rejected me by never attempting to go to the next step. I’d like to think that maybe I was missing something, and you do feel that way about me, you just aren’t ready for that next step.”
“ Seth, I…” I had no idea what I could say. He knew I didn’t feel the same, and he must have been waiting for me to say it. “I do love you. I am not ready for that next step. It really isn’t you, I’m not ready for the next step with anyone.” Great, the it’s not you, it’s me speech. Until I heard Max’s answering machine a few hours ago, I had myself convinced that I was ready for a next step – just not with Seth.
In my mind I had been holding Seth at bay for years knowing that my, “Destiny” was out there. My Max , what a joke.
Seth interrupted my thoughts of Max. “I can accept that you don’t feel the same, but until you tell me you don’t want to be with me, I’m going to focus my energy convincing you that you really do feel the same about me. I know you do, you just don’t know it yet.”
I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want to be alone either. I struggled for several long minutes knowing that I should tell him now, before he got his hopes up that something would change. Deliberating on how to break it to him didn’t give me the courage I needed, and like so many times before, I folded. “Seth, I don’t want you to go.”
Those seven words were probably the very worst thing I had ever done to him. Selfishly I let him believe that my feelings for him were changing, just so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. This was the lowest I had ever felt, and I knew that when I tried to fix the damage of those seven words, he would be devastated.
“ I won’t, I promise you. You will feel the same, you just need a little more time.” He clung to me for what felt like hours, never loosening his grip. Just as I could feel dawn arriving through the window, I felt him slide his hands gently along my sides. His eyes remained closed, but his gentle hands were comforting. I rotated my torso down to kiss the top of his head. He finally released my body from his grasp and gave me a look I had not seen before. Neither of us spoke for a long while.
The last several hours had been excruciating. I didn’t sleep at all and with each passing hour the certainty that there was no way to keep from breaking his heart became all too clear. I was just being selfish. How could I tell him that I would never feel that way about him? I knew it in my heart, but was too chicken just to tell him the truth.
His eyes were clear, the dark circles under his eyes faded, and he seemed to be excited about something. I braced myself for what he might say next and the likelihood of this moment being the time I would have to rip his heart from his chest. “Lauren, I need to run an errand, do you have any special requests for me to pick up while I’m out? Maybe a greasy double cheeseburger or something?” His decision to leave for a while and offer to get me a bite to
Seth could see exactly where this was going and cut me off. “It’s never been out of convenience.”
My voice was still shaky, but this was a conversation we needed to have. “You’re right, but do you really think of me that way? I think my accident scared you and somehow now you think the only way to heal me is to change our relationship around. I’m not sure I want that…”
“ I’ve always worried that you just stayed with me because it was comfortable, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that you will ever have a passionate desire to be with me. It feels like you rejected me by never attempting to go to the next step. I’d like to think that maybe I was missing something, and you do feel that way about me, you just aren’t ready for that next step.”
“ Seth, I…” I had no idea what I could say. He knew I didn’t feel the same, and he must have been waiting for me to say it. “I do love you. I am not ready for that next step. It really isn’t you, I’m not ready for the next step with anyone.” Great, the it’s not you, it’s me speech. Until I heard Max’s answering machine a few hours ago, I had myself convinced that I was ready for a next step – just not with Seth.
In my mind I had been holding Seth at bay for years knowing that my, “Destiny” was out there. My Max , what a joke.
Seth interrupted my thoughts of Max. “I can accept that you don’t feel the same, but until you tell me you don’t want to be with me, I’m going to focus my energy convincing you that you really do feel the same about me. I know you do, you just don’t know it yet.”
I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want to be alone either. I struggled for several long minutes knowing that I should tell him now, before he got his hopes up that something would change. Deliberating on how to break it to him didn’t give me the courage I needed, and like so many times before, I folded. “Seth, I don’t want you to go.”
Those seven words were probably the very worst thing I had ever done to him. Selfishly I let him believe that my feelings for him were changing, just so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. This was the lowest I had ever felt, and I knew that when I tried to fix the damage of those seven words, he would be devastated.
“ I won’t, I promise you. You will feel the same, you just need a little more time.” He clung to me for what felt like hours, never loosening his grip. Just as I could feel dawn arriving through the window, I felt him slide his hands gently along my sides. His eyes remained closed, but his gentle hands were comforting. I rotated my torso down to kiss the top of his head. He finally released my body from his grasp and gave me a look I had not seen before. Neither of us spoke for a long while.
The last several hours had been excruciating. I didn’t sleep at all and with each passing hour the certainty that there was no way to keep from breaking his heart became all too clear. I was just being selfish. How could I tell him that I would never feel that way about him? I knew it in my heart, but was too chicken just to tell him the truth.
His eyes were clear, the dark circles under his eyes faded, and he seemed to be excited about something. I braced myself for what he might say next and the likelihood of this moment being the time I would have to rip his heart from his chest. “Lauren, I need to run an errand, do you have any special requests for me to pick up while I’m out? Maybe a greasy double cheeseburger or something?” His decision to leave for a while and offer to get me a bite to
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