Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates by Mike Stangle Page A

Four things, if you count them all separate, butt cheeks and all. Wear jeans. If you don’t look good in jeans, wear a skirt. Skirts are awesome; show some leg. Tank tops? We love tank tops. If the material of whatever you are wearing is tight around your chest, we like that. You already know that! There are boobs under there. If your goal is to attract a guy, and you know that guys like boobs, and you have boobs—what kind of fucked-up logic tells you do the opposite of “flaunt them”? Are you afraid other girls will judge you for this? The ones wearing tight shirts won’t; they’re too distracted by all the attention they’re getting from guys.
    If you do wear something on the tighter or more revealing side, we’ll probably sneak a few looks at those boobies. Don’t be offended by this. Dogs aren’t offended when another dog sniffs their butt. You can be offended if we sniff your butts (before the third date), but let the boob stare go. We try to discreetly hide these sneaks. We’re just curious! Remember, you can find it offensive, or translate it through your new think-like-a-guy strategy and take it as a compliment, a positive sign of interest. Do you know what our ideal social setting is? It’s one where we’re wearing sunglasses that hide our eyes, where everyone is drunk, and every girl is in a bikini. So yes, basically a beach. Now you know that. Do you think Mike has insisted on living in Nantucket for the last four summers because he loves the architecture? The beach is a lifeline to our dicks! This gets me thinking, why would he live on the beach for this long and not get in sick shape? Half-assing it, if you ask me. I visit him every summer and am on a strict diet of air and cigarettes the entire month before I get there. I treat it like ladies treat their weddings. I’m on diuretics on even days and pulling the trigger after dinners on odd days. The beach is a man’s sexual Graceland! No guy expects “the beach” setting to be the norm, but think about why it appeals to us and work from there. Revealing clothes, hidden eyes, booze, happy vibe. Why not appeal to that? We don’t expect you to come to a bar in a bikini; just remember what drives us when you’re putting your outfit together.
    3. Don’t Say Shit That Every Girl Says
    Remember that viral fad of videos popping up titled “Shit ___ Girls Say?” Shit Jewish Girls Say, Shit New York Girls Say, Shit Single Girls Say, Shit Black Girls Say. Do you realize that you and your friends inspired this entire Shit Girls Say movement? It’s only funny because it’s true. We’ve all heard it all. I’m sure you have, too, but hey, I’M TALKING HERE.
    When you meet a guy, don’t tell him about your gluten allergy. If you have cats, maybe wait to reveal that. If you’re super-religious, that’s cool. Just file that away with the cats and bring it up once the bond gets a little stronger. Don’t talk about how close your family is. Everyone is close with their family, or at least wants to be. If not, and you have daddy issues, Dave requests that you give him a call. Wheelhouse! Family is important, sure, but not yet. We’ll get to that way down the line. You’ve got to concentrate on keeping our attention; it gets lost very easily. Get back to what motivates men: sex. We’re not saying you should start talking dirty right out of the gate, unless you want to. You could see how that goes if you’d like; we’ll be at Whiskey Town tonight. We’re just saying to err on the side of flirtatiousness. That seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how warped your energy can get.
    Don’t ask what we do within three questions. We know that is a big one for you, but hide it like we’re hiding our desire to grab your ass. We don’t make one of our first three questions “What would it be like to be inside you?”