Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates by Mike Stangle

sketch . . . he might have been spending enough money for you to rationalize away any concerns over his multiple tribal tattoos, but he’s wearing a reflective shirt with an eagle on it. Is he the future Mr. You? Again, not unless you’re the future Mrs. Bull. Skip the club, go to a bar. There are always guys there, and we’ll be drinking, so we won’t be such pussies. Another disclaimer: we’re not saying a bar is the best place to meet guys, it’s just the place we’re most likely to be, and we really want to meet you.
    Next, science. Use it to your advantage. Remember the big picture: Men like sex. It motivates us. It drives us. There are other things in life that are important to us, of course, but we forget what they are. Sex, as an underlying theme to everything in our lives, is literally built into our DNA. If you meet a guy who you don’t think took a brief second in his brain to consider what it would be like to have sex with you prior to engaging in any conversation with you, you’re wrong. We’re so good at it, our brains are capable of giving any girl a complete sexual pat-down in less than two seconds, while simultaneously asking about her grandmother’s health. If you can’t pick up on that, it only means he’s doing a really great job of hiding it. Or he’s gay (so jealous). Or he just got laid right before meeting you, so getting laid again isn’t his top physiological priority for several minutes. Still, even at that point, he is thinking, Wait, but there’s the future to think about . . . . You think that makes us pigs? Probably. But sadly, your opinion of us doesn’t change your luck or put you any closer to your goals. It only crosses two more guys off your list, so your odds with the male population just went down slightly. What is your other option? Embrace it, play into it. Use it to your advantage. Our gals The Betches figured this out early, and they win at everything. Oh, these brothers read the Betches? Okay, now you’re thinking that maybe you should hear us out. Let’s go back inside the bar and talk, okay? We didn’t bring up the sex-is-in-our-DNA caveman reality so that you’ll think we’re telling you to sleep with bar guys right away. Just go into that bar understanding that’s going to be our plan. We are thinking about sleeping with you right away. Please accept this as more honest than disgusting. Remember the sexual pat-down guys do. If he’s talking to you, that means he’s already had these sexual thoughts about you, and he liked them! You’re past Step 1.
    2. Oh Sweet Mother of God, Dress the Part, Would You?
    Deciding what kind of arrows to put in your quiver? Don’t listen to your girlfriends. Just don’t. They are in the same boat you are. If they are giving out advice, it’s only based on their own failures at this very process you’re trying to conquer. It’s the blind leading the blind! In fact, that is Rule #1: Don’t take guy advice from a girl who is frustrated with guys. Your girlfriends who are most likely to preach to you about guys are probably pigs named Samantha who are terrible with guys. Stop listening to Samantha’s bitter advice, which she doles out while swiping right on Tinder with reckless abandon. Instead, listen to your inner guy. Start thinking like a guy. How do we guys think? Start with the basics. How will you come off in our sexual pat-down?
    What are you wearing, anyway? Don’t wear a shirt with ruffles or different cool sleeves that other girls think is sexy because it’s classy. It isn’t. In fact, fuck sleeves. Show some arm, girl! Show some everything. We’re guys, we love skin. Guys like butts and boobs. One, the other, both. That’s it. Until things progress for us beyond conversations, drinks, jokes, and getting to know each other, there are really only two things: boobs and butts.