Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates by Mike Stangle Page B

That’s what the sexual pat-down is about. If you want to know what we do (read: how much money we make) just look at our clothes, our shoes, check for ear piercings, then make an unfair but somewhat educated guess. In fact, the next time a gal asks what one of us does within three questions, we’re just going to start grabbing butts. Then all our cards will be on the table.
    Smile a lot! We’re more insecure than you think. You like us when we’re confident, so if you want us to be confident, then remind us that it’s going well. When you break it down, we’re actually pretty simple: If we’re talking to you, we’re interested. If we’re not, we’re not.
    4. Okay, Now What? Get Him Hooked. Maybe Give Him a Hand Job. With Your Vagina.
    Mike and I differ on this. Mike believes that in most cases, if you want it to go somewhere, you shouldn’t sleep with him right away. That’s not totally accurate; he thinks BJs are a nice treat after a first date. He just doesn’t want to pressure the gal, okay? He loves treats; such a dog. I’m a firm believer that you should sleep with him right away, even if it isn’t going anywhere. Worst case: you both get off, and then go back to the drawing board less sexually frustrated. Okay, I suppose that isn’t the worst case that comes from sleeping around, but my message is that it’s 2015. As long as you’re safe, have yourself some fun. Whether it goes somewhere great or nowhere at all, if you can involve sex, why the hell not? It’s either no strings attached or the exact strings you’re looking for! That could just be the twenty-nine-year-old in me talking.
    The best approach probably lies somewhere right in the middle of how Mike and I look at it. Leaving something to be desired does drive us guys crazy; it keeps our attention, and it gets you in our heads. Sleeping with us shows us what you’ve got, and vice versa. If you’re getting calls from us afterward, it means we really liked it. We want more. If not, then maybe Mike had a point. Either way, the sex part is going to be bigger than you’d like to admit in the infancy of a fostering relationship. We know it sounds shallow, but these are the facts! Kind of.
    Want to know what a guy likes in the sack? You should probably check out some porn. Mike can refer you to several free websites if you’d like. Even if you don’t like porn, you should watch some. And drop the degrading-to-women act, Janeane Garofalo. Anyone see that movie Don Jon with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? JGL is the man. He breaks down porn as a man’s guilty pleasure versus romantic comedies as a lady’s guilty pleasure. It appeals to our nature, just like the sappy shit appeals to yours. Fellas who are good at being sweet have seen their share of romantic comedies; gals who are dynamite in the sack have seen their share of porn. Sure, some porn is degrading to women. I won’t go on the record as being against much, but that weird porn just freaks me out. When I was in college and online porn was just coming of age, we used to check out this site called cockgaggers.com. Don’t look it up, it’s not there anymore. Weirdly, I think that means cockgaggers got bought out by a bigger operation? I’ve got to think it was for the name and not the content, which was pretty literal to the name. It was just women on their knees with guys fucking their mouths like jackhammers. It was awful. Scarring.
    Sometimes they would put a toilet seat over the girl’s head, then do it. Now that’s degrading! I’m not going to say I didn’t laugh a few times; the sounds were just so ridiculous! Still, cockgaggers didn’t exist for college kids to laugh at, not exclusively, anyway. There were guys out there who were going to cockgaggers because it fit their preferences. You think we’re sick pups? Those guys are the real sick pups. Most porn isn’t