Motherhood, The Second OldestProfession by Erma Bombeck

summer. Nothing definite. It's still in the planning stages and will depend on whether business picks up at the gas station and if he can get time off and we can scrape the money together and you know how it is.
    If we stay home, we may paint the entire house inside and out, and you know what a mess that can be when you're visiting. (Especially if your Mona locks herself in the bathroom and mixes her “secret potion” in the toilet bowl.)
    The children are also thinking of going to camp and it certainly wouldn't be any fun for your little cherubs to sit around with nothing to do. (Our Michelle still talks about your Myron using her for a dart board.)
    I cannot believe there are so many circumstances converging to keep us apart. It was so hard to say good-bye to you the last time.
    Please call us just before you come so I can bring you up to date on our plans.
    Love, Billie
    P.S. We may be moving.
    GRACE REINGOLT
    (Author of letter to the president of Roy's Sonic TV and Appliance Center regarding broken handle on refrigerator door)
    June 4, 1982 Dear Roy:
    On March 21 of this year, for no reason, the handle of our refrigerator door fell off. Neither my husband Stoney nor I was in the room at the time.
    We called you the morning of March 2l, at which time your serviceman Duane came to check it out. He said there was no way the handle could have come off by itself, as the three-inch pin in it was bent double. Now I ask you, who do you think did it? Certainly not my husband or I, who were watching “Dukes of Hazzard,” and certainly not our four-year-old son Budro, who was swinging from the spare tire in his bedroom at the time of this unfortunate event.
    You have always been fair in the past. You may recall when a tube of toothpaste for no reason manifested itself in the lint trap of our dryer and a live dog wearing pantyhose wrapped around the pulsator in the washer, obviously there before it left the factory.
    I suppose you are used to these apparitions, but to us they smack of poltergeist. Wishing to save you the trouble of replacing the handle, we have contacted our insurance company who said it would have to be an act of God in order to make a claim. (He obviously has never had an evening when he was separated from his gusto by a door without a handle!)
    I am sad to report the warranty ran out on the refrigerator eighteen years ago next month. However, knowing how you want to protect your reputation for fairness, we look for an early settlement at no cost to us, the victims.
    Regards,
    Grace Reingolt
    MELISSA JOHNSEY
    (Author of advance instructions to her mother
    who will be babysitting Bo,
    her six-week-old daughter)
    Mom—
    Please have more light bulbs for changing crib and bumper pads before Bo arrives. Last time the supply was inadequate.
    Have on hand four boxes of daytime diapers for a 15-pound infant.
    One gallon skim milk. Make sure the date is recent for freshness.
    Plenty of moisturized towels and plastic bags for dirty diapers.
    Bottles can be washed in the dishwasher. However, nipples and caps must be done by hand. Push water through hole in nipple to make sure it works. Gas bubbles can be painful to an infant.
    Phisoderm soap.
    Vanilla ice cream.
    Two plastic pails and a large basket for laundry. Commercial washer and dryer may be used.
    No pets in room being occupied by the baby.
    Phone must be off the hook while baby is sleeping.
    Rectal thermometer should be shaken down after each use and stored in alcohol.
    Do not place crib under duct.
    Keep toys in plastic bag when not in use.
    Sprinkle baby powder on hands and not direcUy on area to be powdered.
    Be sure to put hand behind her head to support her.
    Don't tickle, play hide-and-seek, or patty-cake in excess. Levity makes her spit up.
    Check occasionally for fever. (Emergency numbers on separate sheet.)
    It's your grandchild. Relax and enjoy her. The three hours will pass in no time.
    Love,
    Melissa
     

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    What kind of a mother would...
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