My Forever by Jolene Perry Page A

the tension. We all get along , and we all want it to stay that way.
     
    “I’m just curious guys
,
remember?” I open my eyes. “Besides, I’m already keeping one big thing from my parents, this would just add another.”
     
    They exchange glances. Crap.
     
    “I’m pregnant. I wanted to learn more about your church before I put my baby up for adoption through it.” I just blurt it out, there’s no other way. They’re stunned into silence for a minute , and I laugh. These two are never silent.
     
    Elder Simmons laughs a little then and changes tacks. “Well, you’re under eighteen. We’d need their permission anyway.”
     
    “Well, I’m eighteen in like a week, so that’s not really an obstacle.” Why did I just say that?
     
    Everyone in the room exchanges surprised glances and the tension is back.
     
    “I…” I don’t know how to start. “I don’t want more than one thing at a time that I’m keeping from my parents. I’m not even thinking about this for myself right now.” Or am I?
     
     
     

     
    7
     
    Today is a day I have been both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I skip play practice again to come to the church. Sister Ingalls has a round face, grey hair and a sweet smile of pink lipstick. We go into the Bishop’s office to talk.
     
    “You’re a very brave girl, Dani.” We sit next to one another in small folding chairs. She’s driven out from church social services to see me about putting the baby up for adoption . There’s no way for me to go to her.
     
    “No, no I’m not.” All I can think about is how much I don’t want to be doing any of this. I feel like I’m shaking. Each step I take makes this all feel more real. I’m not brave at all.
     
    “Let’s go over some of the basic stuff, so you have something to think about, okay?” She holds her hands over a file with my name on it.
     
    I wait for her to continue. My brain is a haze , and anything that comes out of my mouth right now will just make me look stupid.
     
    She talks through the whole process for me, what they can do for me, what they can’t. Screening for adoptive families, my decisions and what they mean. Everything. In less than an hour, she answers all of my questions.
     
    It feels like the right thing, but it also feels foreign, and way too real. I’m not sure if my talk with her mak e s me feel better, or worse.
     
    “Well, Dani. I think all you need to do now is to keep being prayerful and do what feels right for you, oka y?” Both her voice and her face is all sincerity.
     
    “Okay.” I’m not used to all this freedom. My dad always says that we need to make our own choices, but he’s always going back and forcing us to do what he thinks is the right thing. It’s a lesson in irony considering that this church has always seemed so restrictive.
     
    It’s all a choice, a conscious choice to do what you know is right, or not. You choose, we choose. I can choose. I’m slowly learning to listen to that small voice inside of me. This is the right thing. It feels good. I want to take anything that feels good and make a decision. It makes it seem like I have some control even though I mostly feel like I’m caught in a crazy whirlwind with no way out.
     
    ~ ~ ~
     
    I wake up Saturday morning to balloons and birthday pancakes for Daniel and me. I almost forgot
our
birthday. I’m now an adult. Eighteen. Weird.
     
    After yet another day where I pretend that everything is normal in front of my family, I decide it’s time to write Lucas.
     
     
     
    Lucas,
     
       I’m not exactly sure how to start this. I’m pregnant. I’ve found an adoption agency that I feel good about. All I need from you is a few signatures. The lines you need to sign are highlighted. Just mail this back to my high school c/o Mrs. Davies, she’s the nurse and knows the situation.
     
    Thanks,
     
    Dani
     
     
     
    It’s short
,
but if I start talking I’ll just ramble , and I don’t want