My Forever by Jolene Perry

stay up and my sweatshirt can easily cover me. For now.
     
    I get to the church early on our last discussion day. The doors are open , and I know the missionaries are here somewhere
,
but it’s quiet inside. I pull my camera from its case, and start taking pictures.
     
    The hangers in the closet.
     
    An old set of scriptures, sitting there, waiting for someone to claim them. There’s a story with everything and I always wonder what it is. Who left the scriptures? Are they frantically looking around their house or are they noticed as being missing?
     
    Some classrooms still have writing on their chalkboards so I take pictures of those too. There’s a hangman game in one room. I wonder what Sunday is like in this building? Coming here instead of going to my father’s church is impossible.
     
    I walk into another small room. There’s a list of blessings that come from family. I stand in that classroom for a while, looking down the list. Love, Strength, Support, People to talk to , People to listen , Eternal families… It’s a list everyone should want. I can feel tears come to my eyes. I’m doing a good thing here. This baby will be well taken care of. I know it. I feel it that strong. I also feel a kind of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe never.
     
    Feeling this deep makes me uncomfortable, like I’m itching inside , but pieces are starting to fall into place. I take another picture to help me get my emotions back under control.  I slowly step out of the classroom.
     
    “There you are!” Elder Simmons says from the foyer.
     
    I wave and walk toward them.
     
    “How are we today?” Elder Night asks.
     
    “Really good.” I smile as I hold in tears. Uncomfortable deepness is back.
     
    “Great.” They take their seats in the foyer.
     
    Michael and Tracy walk in. I want to show Michael what I just saw. I want to sit with him and talk with no one else around. Maybe he’d look at the pictures I just took and we could share stories. I don’t know how to do that , but I want it so bad. Our eyes catch each other’s more often than usual as everyone gets settled and sits on the floor.
     
    “Guess we can get started, this is your last one.” Michael do
es
n’t just look at my eyes; he takes in my face, my expression. I swear he knows what I’m feeling right now but then again, it’s probably more like wishful thinking. I’m a little sad that it’s almost over.
     
    We’ve gone back and forth on the getting baptized thing. For all three weeks. The missionaries have to bring it up. They just have to. But it’s not the reason I’m here. Being pregnant is definitely enough of a transgression to last my parents for a while. The missionaries don’t know about this. They invite me to church, as always, but I know it’s impossible. I also know I’m going to miss this.
     
    We talk about the temple a lot this time. We talk about how families are sealed up to spend eternity together. I wonder why my dad has always thought this church is so bad? We talk about the importance of finding someone to share your life with. The person you choose to marry is the key. Your eternal partner. The one person you choose in this life. But the parents of this baby will choose this baby, and I will choose the parents. The baby’s forever family . It’s a scary realization.
     
    I close my eyes to block out the scariness , but it doesn’t block it out, it puts me in the middle of it. I let them talk while I’m in the dark space behind my lids.  Getting married if I felt like I’d have that person forever
?
Huge. How much more would I love? How much harder would I dedicate myself to my partner if I knew I could keep him forever? Warmth washes over me. I want it bad. Something else happens. I see Michael. I blush and open my eyes.
     
    “Okay, Dani. We’re going to invite you again to be baptized.” Elder Night uses his best teasing voice. Only we both knew he’s not really teasing, it just eases