Never Said by Carol Lynch Williams

would he have stayed? No matter what his mother said?

annie
    In my drawer I hide essentials.
    Things to get me through the night
    If I cannot sleep.
    Snickerskitkatsm&m’srolosbighunks
Lay’spotatochipsgrandma’schocolatechipcookies-
jalepeñocheeto’s
Gummywormschocolatecoveredcinnamonbearsseafoam
Doubledippedchocolatealmondstwizzlers
skittlesstarburstsreecespeanutbuttercups
    My secrets.
    When the dream comes
    sometimes
    I wake up eating
    Eating
    in my sleep.

annie
    he stands at the foot of the bed
the ghost
I
recognize

sarah
    G irls,” Mom calls. “I need help with dinner.”
    I take a deep breath, meet my sister in the hall, who hugs me (!!!), and we go downstairs to cook.
    â€œOh, Annie, have you . . .” Mom says when we come into the kitchen.
    I feel Annie tense up next to me.
    Mom pauses. When she talks it’s like she’s in pain. “That outfit is not becoming at all.” The room seems to go darker, even though outside the storm slides past with a rainy slush. So weird how Mom notices this one thing. Not that I’ve been crying or that I didn’t come out of my room after we talked with Dad or that I’m feeling sad.
    Now the late afternoon sun shines on the snow and tries to slip into this part of the house.
    Our mother hands me the makings for a salad. I don’t have to hide my eyes because she’s doesn’t look at me. She shakes her head. Tsks.
    â€œWhen our guests arrive, you make sure to put on a black dress,” she says to my sister. “It’s slimming. I can’t believe how much we still have to do. You know Daddy’s clients are coming in from the city for a couple of days. You know we have to be ready.”
    â€œI’ll be ready,” Annie says. Cold like outside.
    But Mom doesn’t seem to hear. She has her head down. Pulls plates from the cabinets. Grabs silverware. She is not happy.
    I want to say, “What does a black dress have to do with anything?” but I don’t get the chance because Mom says, “Not too many onions, Sarah.” She doesn’t wait for my, “Yes ma’am.”
    And she doesn’t see Annie give her the finger.

sarah
    A nnie’s in her room. Door shut.
    I jiggle the handle. Knock.
    â€œI can talk to you about the flier now,” I say, keeping my voice low. I rest my cheek on the door. It’s cool. The paint smooth. “If you want to see it, Annie, I printed a copy downstairs.”
    My sister stays silent.

annie
    Private time is not
    What it used to be.
    When I got the beginnings of breasts
(long before Sarah)
I stopped going shirtless
even though my sister
teased me.
    When I got my period (two years before Sarah)
I was over
sharing a bed with her and
letting her walk in on me while I was bathing and
even done letting her borrow my clothing.
    I closed up in this world of
Changing body
Admired myself
Curled my hair
Whitened my teeth
All while Sarah stayed a little girl
And I became a woman.
    Now
Now I don’t want this privacy
Though I lock my door
hide my journal
say to myself that it will be okay.
    I want my mother to ask
what’s wrong?
Not mention my dress size
or say I’m bigger
or unbecoming
    I want my sister to snuggle me close.
Want my father to
find the bad guys and stop them.
    I have kept my family away for so long that
    they cannot see my distress
    so I must defend me.

sarah
    I t looks good, that flier. And the assistant principal said this kind of club is a terrific idea.
    Consideration. Judgment Free. Everyone Welcome.
    Date.
    Time.
    Room number.
    A faded face behind it all. Words where eyes should be. Where the mouth and nose should be.
    I was scared to death to show it to Ms. Cleland. But Mrs. Staheli said I’d need to or Annie would, and after yesterday’s closed door, I wasn’t sure she would do it. Mrs. Staheli looked at me like I shouldn’t be worried to talk to anyone in the office.
    Out the door I went when