would he have stayed? No matter what his mother said?
annie
In my drawer I hide essentials.
Things to get me through the night
If I cannot sleep.
Snickerskitkatsm&mâsrolosbighunks
Layâspotatochipsgrandmaâschocolatechipcookies-
jalepeñocheetoâs
Gummywormschocolatecoveredcinnamonbearsseafoam
Doubledippedchocolatealmondstwizzlers
skittlesstarburstsreecespeanutbuttercups
My secrets.
When the dream comes
sometimes
I wake up eating
Eating
in my sleep.
annie
he stands at the foot of the bed
the ghost
I
recognize
sarah
G irls,â Mom calls. âI need help with dinner.â
I take a deep breath, meet my sister in the hall, who hugs me (!!!), and we go downstairs to cook.
âOh, Annie, have you . . .â Mom says when we come into the kitchen.
I feel Annie tense up next to me.
Mom pauses. When she talks itâs like sheâs in pain. âThat outfit is not becoming at all.â The room seems to go darker, even though outside the storm slides past with a rainy slush. So weird how Mom notices this one thing. Not that Iâve been crying or that I didnât come out of my room after we talked with Dad or that Iâm feeling sad.
Now the late afternoon sun shines on the snow and tries to slip into this part of the house.
Our mother hands me the makings for a salad. I donât have to hide my eyes because sheâs doesnât look at me. She shakes her head. Tsks.
âWhen our guests arrive, you make sure to put on a black dress,â she says to my sister. âItâs slimming. I canât believe how much we still have to do. You know Daddyâs clients are coming in from the city for a couple of days. You know we have to be ready.â
âIâll be ready,â Annie says. Cold like outside.
But Mom doesnât seem to hear. She has her head down. Pulls plates from the cabinets. Grabs silverware. She is not happy.
I want to say, âWhat does a black dress have to do with anything?â but I donât get the chance because Mom says, âNot too many onions, Sarah.â She doesnât wait for my, âYes maâam.â
And she doesnât see Annie give her the finger.
sarah
A nnieâs in her room. Door shut.
I jiggle the handle. Knock.
âI can talk to you about the flier now,â I say, keeping my voice low. I rest my cheek on the door. Itâs cool. The paint smooth. âIf you want to see it, Annie, I printed a copy downstairs.â
My sister stays silent.
annie
Private time is not
What it used to be.
When I got the beginnings of breasts
(long before Sarah)
I stopped going shirtless
even though my sister
teased me.
When I got my period (two years before Sarah)
I was over
sharing a bed with her and
letting her walk in on me while I was bathing and
even done letting her borrow my clothing.
I closed up in this world of
Changing body
Admired myself
Curled my hair
Whitened my teeth
All while Sarah stayed a little girl
And I became a woman.
Now
Now I donât want this privacy
Though I lock my door
hide my journal
say to myself that it will be okay.
I want my mother to ask
whatâs wrong?
Not mention my dress size
or say Iâm bigger
or unbecoming
I want my sister to snuggle me close.
Want my father to
find the bad guys and stop them.
I have kept my family away for so long that
they cannot see my distress
so I must defend me.
sarah
I t looks good, that flier. And the assistant principal said this kind of club is a terrific idea.
Consideration. Judgment Free. Everyone Welcome.
Date.
Time.
Room number.
A faded face behind it all. Words where eyes should be. Where the mouth and nose should be.
I was scared to death to show it to Ms. Cleland. But Mrs. Staheli said Iâd need to or Annie would, and after yesterdayâs closed door, I wasnât sure she would do it. Mrs. Staheli looked at me like I shouldnât be worried to talk to anyone in the office.
Out the door I went when
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