On Becoming Her Sir by Cassandre Dayne

“That’s part of my angst.”
    “Angst. You make this lifestyle sound so clinical. And the other part?”
    “I have to process the journey we’re on at times because if I get lost to the emotions I lose myself.”
    “Exactly what you’re supposed to do by the way. I realize that comes with complete trust, but I’ve seen you two together. You’re an amazing couple.” Aimee’s eyes twinkled.
    “Yeah, you’re right.”
    “So what are you so worried about them?”
    Admitting her fears to a basic stranger was oddly freeing for Jessie. “What he’s hiding.”
    Aimee sighed. “You think he’s still in love with Suzzana.”
    “I do. I hate feeling this way, some ridiculous jealousy since there is nothing concrete, but I know she’s a part of our life. I think he’s been thinking about her more. I just gather I’m not the woman he thought I was or I’m too much to deal with.” Jessie heard Aimee’s subtle laugh. “I don’t mean to sound jealous. I’m not usually this way.”
    “Jessie. I don’t know you very well but I’ve heard enough stories about Luke and from what I know you have noting to worry about. What you don’t understand is that men who take on the role of a Dom, well at least a few, take the position very seriously. They worry and are concerned about their performance as well as if they’re going to hurt their submissive. If they have any kind of a difficult past, and trust me not a single person doesn’t or they’re dead, they fret just as much if not more than the submissive does.”
    Jessie jerked her head up. “That’s what I understand. He’s been so withdrawn and full of what seems like horrific demons. I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong. I have no idea how to get him to open up, trust me even more.” She took a gulp of her tea then another. Nothing lately seemed to calm her nerves. “Plus he’s staying at work later. I don’t know. Some days I think he’s trying to get away from me.”
    “You’re both busy people and from what you told me, both in professions that are time consuming. Perhaps you’re looking for some specific wording coming from his lips as an answer because you perceive there’s a problem. There are no rulebooks for this and very few couples talk but so openly. How long have you been in the lifestyle?”
    “About a year. And what’s funny is that I really don’t look at this as a lifestyle.” Perceived as a problem. The words were true enough. No matter Jessie’s strength, she fell into the part about being a girlie girl far too often when it came to Luke. No man she’d ever been with before did she care about what they thought to this degree or worry about what they were doing. Jesus, she was becoming pathetic.
    “Meaning?” Aimee raised her eyebrows.
    “Meaning this is much more about me. It’s much more about the woman I should have been.”
    “I think you’re being awfully hard on yourself. You and Luke made a huge decision to go into this lifestyle, no matter what phrase or word you attach to D/s. Becoming fully embraced as well as feeling complete trust takes time. There will be mistakes and missteps. You will go backwards before you can go forward again. Trust me.”
    “Said like a woman who knows.”
    Aimee rolled her eyes. “You have no idea.”
    Groaning, Jessie shook her head. “But I feel like I’m losing me. Or maybe I’m gaining what I should have been. I just don’t know any longer.”
    “It’s going to be that way for a little while. That’s something you have to realize and until you do, you’re going to beat yourself up over this day after day. That isn’t doing either you or Luke any good.”
    “I find myself suddenly afraid of everything.”
    Aimee nodded and leaned over the railing. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, at first I thought I was going to die and I’ve never been so damn terrified in my life. Wally, to that man’s credit, was my rock. My core. He was more of a Dom than I ever could