Palomino by Danielle Steel

Sam's voice fell to a whisper. Most of the time I just miss him and wonder if he's all right. I wonder if she knows that he's allergic to wool socks. I wonder if anyone buys him the kind of coffee he loves, if he's sick or healthy or happy or freaked out, if he remembers to take his asthma medicine on a trip ' if if he's sorry She stopped and then looked back at Caroline still standing by the fire. That sounds crazy, doesn't it? I mean, the man walked out on me, cheated on me, dumped me, and now he doesn't even call to find out how I am, and I worry that his feet itch because his wife might make a mistake and buy him wool socks. Is that crazy? She laughed but it was suddenly a half sob. Isn't it? And then she squeezed her eyes shut again. Slowly she shook her head, keeping her eyes tightly closed, as though by closing them she wouldn't see the images that had danced in her head for so long. God, Caro, it was so awful and so public. She opened her eyes. Didn't you read about it?
    I did. Once. But it was just some vague gossip that you two were separated. I hoped that it was a lie, just some stupid publicity to make him seem more appealing. I know how those things are, how they get planted and don't mean a thing.
    This one did. You haven't watched them together on the broadcast?
    I never did.
    Neither did I. Samantha looked rueful. But I do now.
    You ought to stop that.
    Samantha nodded silently. Yeah, I will. There's a lot I have to stop. I guess that's why I came out here.
    And your job?
    I don't know. I've somehow managed to keep it through all this. At least I think so if they meant what they said when I left. But to tell you the truth, I don't know how I did it. I was a zombie every waking minute I was in the office. She dropped her face into her hands with a soft sigh. Maybe it's just as well that I left. She felt Caroline's hand on her shoulder a moment later.
    I think so too, Sam. Maybe the ranch will give you time to heal, and time to collect your thoughts. You've been through a tremendous trauma. I know, I went through the same thing when Arthur died. I didn't think I'd live through it. I thought it would kill me too. That's not quite the same thing as what happened to you, but in its own way death is a rejection. There was a vague frown in her eyes as she said the last words, but it rapidly flitted away as she smiled again at Sam. But your life isn't over, you know, Samantha. In some ways perhaps it's just begun. How old are you now?
    Samantha groaned. Thirty. She made it sound like eighty and Caroline laughed, a delicate, silvery sound in the pretty room.
    You expect me to be impressed?
    Sympathetic. Samantha spoke with a grin.
    At my age, darling, that's too much to ask. Envious, perhaps, that would be more like it. Thirty. She looked dreamily into the fire. What I wouldn't give for that!
    What I wouldn't give to look like you do now, age be damned!
    Flattery, flattery ' But it was obvious that it pleased her, and then she turned to Sam again with a question in her eyes. Have you been out with anyone else since it happened? Sam rapidly shook her head. Why not?
    Two very good reasons. No one decent has asked me, and I don't want to. In my heart I'm still married to John Taylor. If I went out with another man, it would feel like cheating. I'm just not ready. And you know? She looked somberly at the older woman. I don't think I ever will be. I just don't want to. It's as though part of me died when he walked out that door. I don't care anymore. I don't give a damn if nobody ever loves me again. I don't feel lovable. I don't want to be loved ' except by him.
    Well, you'd better do something about that, Samantha. Caroline eyed her with gentle disapproval. You've got to be realistic, and you can't wander around like a mobile dead body. You have to live. That's what they told me, you know. But it does take time. I know that. You've had how many months now?
    Three and a half.
    Give it another six. She smiled softly. And if