Pulse of Heroes by A.Jacob Sweeny

face warm up every time he talked to
her, or her heart beating so fast and hard if he just walked past
her, had begun to wane. Eventually they completely vanished, and
yet she found that she missed them more than she actually missed
him.
     
    When it came to boys, Michelle always felt
like she was two steps behind everyone else. These feelings had
accompanied her even as far back as the third grade. While other
girls were placing love notes inside boys’ school desks or lunch
boxes, Michelle wondered what the buzz was all about. Her mom would
describe her to family members as a late bloomer. She always hated
that label, because it sounded so negative to be late in anything.
Back then, when relatives would ask her if she had a boyfriend, her
mother would always answer, “Oh no, Michelle is a good girl.”
Michelle didn’t understand. What did being good have to do with
having a boyfriend? After all, if somebody has a boyfriend it must
mean that they like them, and being liked is a good thing. The
whole thing puzzled her so much that she decided to just ignore it.
That was until she developed indescribable feelings for a boy,
Mark, in eighth grade.
    Mark eventually asked Michelle to be his
girlfriend, and they were known as an item throughout the school.
Basically, they held hands during recess, called one another after
school, and once he actually joined her family for a campout. But
she grew tired of the situation very quickly, and the ‘going out’
business didn't make too much sense to her because they weren't
‘going’ anywhere. The magic was gone, just like that, although the
fact that he tried to force his tongue down her throat didn't help
matters either. Freshman year was completely boring, and sophomore
year was when she first developed real feelings for Tim. Those
feelings got worse and worse, because he was dating Bethany and the
two of them looked to be madly in love. Michelle would brood over
him in her journal and to her friends, complaining and trying to
figure out why it was that he didn't even notice her. She compared
herself to Bethany, who was perfect in her book. Bethany was tall,
lean, just the right profile, and had the most beautiful wavy blond
hair that bounced down her shoulders when she walked. Michelle
would often look at herself in the mirror and feel depressed
because she and Bethany had nothing in common physically. She just
didn't measure up. However, towards the end of sophomore year Tim
began to acknowledge her. At first it was a few smiles, then she
would catch him looking at her, and eventually he found a way to
talk to her through her friendship with Rachael and Anna. Michelle
always wondered if Rachael and Anna became friendly to her on Tim’s
request, because before that they had never really interacted.
Whatever the case, she was smitten. When Tim and Bethany broke up
around the beginning of the school year, Michelle felt that she
would get her chance at last. But there she was, alone, sitting on
her bed surrounded by books and papers, with winter formal only two
days away.
     
    It was past midnight when Michelle finally
went to bed. Her dinner was left untouched and she had a terrible
headache. Her mom gave her a Tylenol, and told her it was most
likely due to her studying for so long without eating. But Michelle
had no appetite, and she attributed that to her feeling sorry for
herself over the stupid formal. The next day she felt just as bad,
and she wondered if it could be some sort of a psychological thing,
maybe stress or midterm anxiety.
    Michelle eventually worked up the nerve to
tell her mom about Italian class. She was ashamed, and her voice
quivered when she told her about the cutting. Her mother was
shocked. She reacted just as Michelle thought she would. She yelled
at her for the cutting, asking her over and over again if that's
the way she had raised her to deal with problems, “To run away from
them, to lie and break school rules?” She was ashamed of her, and
that