as saucers and his mouth hanging open. Instead of helping, Jude had left him more disoriented. What am I supposed to do with that? Brandon wondered as he lurched to his feet and moved unsteadily from the room. His legs didn’t feel solid as he made his way to his office. He found Jude reclining on the sofa, reading. Brandon was sure his brows were almost to his hair as he took in Jude’s calm demeanor. It really didn’t seem fair. Brandon fell into the seat at his desk and his eyes clung to Jude for several minutes as he heard Jude’s declaration over and over again.
“You could really act like nothing happened, let things go back to the way they were before?” Brandon asked softly. Jude looked up from his book and was still for a moment before he nodded.
“Whatever you want, Brandon. I can’t expect you to feel the same things I do, emotionally or physically. All I need is to be with you and Noah. Anything beyond that would be an unexpected blessing.” With that, he went back to his book and Brandon continued to stare.
Brandon stared until lunch, his mind a swirling mass of confusion and doubt. When they sat to eat, he was silent as he watched Jude and Noah. They chatted and laughed and the sound comforted Brandon. By the time he returned to his office, Brandon was certain that the most important thing was that Noah wasn’t hurt. And Brandon didn’t want to lose Jude. It was probably selfish, but he depended on Jude for so much, he’d be lost without him. Not just with Noah, Brandon relied on Jude’s advice in all matters and his friendship was everything, a day without Jude would be like a day without the sun. Brandon didn’t want to hurt Jude either. The idea that he could do something to make Jude happier, after all he had done for him and Noah, was tempting and a little exhilarating for Brandon. Though he doubted that he could actually make Jude happy. Once again, he’d be taking more than he was giving.
The rest of the day passed slowly. Jude remained close and silent, waiting to listen and answer any questions Brandon had. But Brandon held all of his questions, weighing them against his feelings because he knew that questions could have meaning and power on their own. He remained silent through dinner and once again watched Jude and Noah through the meal. He was struck by how the sight soothed him. All he needed was sitting at the table with him. He loved them both so deeply and he realized that he loved his life. He didn’t love what he’d gone through to get to that point with Noah and Jude but he wouldn’t change anything if it meant that he wouldn’t have either of them as they were in that moment. Gratitude and peace settled over Brandon and the strain and sadness of the last few years melted away. As if he felt the shift in Brandon, Jude looked over and their eyes met. Jude’s brow rose and Brandon felt a smile pulling at his lips. Jude’s eyes widened before he smiled back. Brandon recalled Jude’s comment after breakfast and agreed. Anything beyond what he already had would be a blessing, he already had everything. Brandon needed to make sure he didn’t ruin it.
Once Noah went up to bed, Brandon and Jude went to the living room. Brandon managed to hold his own during a very long and silent game of chess despite the scattered state of his mind. For his part, Jude didn’t seem to mind Brandon’s distraction. If anything, he found it entertaining. Jude would smile teasingly when Brandon would shake his head in frustration when he caught his mind drifting off. Shortly after Jude defeated Brandon, he stood and stretched and Brandon frowned as he tried to think of an excuse to keep Jude from leaving. For the first time since that morning, a wave of panic rolled through Brandon at the possibility of Jude going out.
“I think I’ll go to bed now,” Jude announced and Brandon nearly sagged with relief. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted from Jude but he was ready to admit that the
“You could really act like nothing happened, let things go back to the way they were before?” Brandon asked softly. Jude looked up from his book and was still for a moment before he nodded.
“Whatever you want, Brandon. I can’t expect you to feel the same things I do, emotionally or physically. All I need is to be with you and Noah. Anything beyond that would be an unexpected blessing.” With that, he went back to his book and Brandon continued to stare.
Brandon stared until lunch, his mind a swirling mass of confusion and doubt. When they sat to eat, he was silent as he watched Jude and Noah. They chatted and laughed and the sound comforted Brandon. By the time he returned to his office, Brandon was certain that the most important thing was that Noah wasn’t hurt. And Brandon didn’t want to lose Jude. It was probably selfish, but he depended on Jude for so much, he’d be lost without him. Not just with Noah, Brandon relied on Jude’s advice in all matters and his friendship was everything, a day without Jude would be like a day without the sun. Brandon didn’t want to hurt Jude either. The idea that he could do something to make Jude happier, after all he had done for him and Noah, was tempting and a little exhilarating for Brandon. Though he doubted that he could actually make Jude happy. Once again, he’d be taking more than he was giving.
The rest of the day passed slowly. Jude remained close and silent, waiting to listen and answer any questions Brandon had. But Brandon held all of his questions, weighing them against his feelings because he knew that questions could have meaning and power on their own. He remained silent through dinner and once again watched Jude and Noah through the meal. He was struck by how the sight soothed him. All he needed was sitting at the table with him. He loved them both so deeply and he realized that he loved his life. He didn’t love what he’d gone through to get to that point with Noah and Jude but he wouldn’t change anything if it meant that he wouldn’t have either of them as they were in that moment. Gratitude and peace settled over Brandon and the strain and sadness of the last few years melted away. As if he felt the shift in Brandon, Jude looked over and their eyes met. Jude’s brow rose and Brandon felt a smile pulling at his lips. Jude’s eyes widened before he smiled back. Brandon recalled Jude’s comment after breakfast and agreed. Anything beyond what he already had would be a blessing, he already had everything. Brandon needed to make sure he didn’t ruin it.
Once Noah went up to bed, Brandon and Jude went to the living room. Brandon managed to hold his own during a very long and silent game of chess despite the scattered state of his mind. For his part, Jude didn’t seem to mind Brandon’s distraction. If anything, he found it entertaining. Jude would smile teasingly when Brandon would shake his head in frustration when he caught his mind drifting off. Shortly after Jude defeated Brandon, he stood and stretched and Brandon frowned as he tried to think of an excuse to keep Jude from leaving. For the first time since that morning, a wave of panic rolled through Brandon at the possibility of Jude going out.
“I think I’ll go to bed now,” Jude announced and Brandon nearly sagged with relief. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted from Jude but he was ready to admit that the
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