Put Your Diamonds Up! by Ni-Ni Simone

traffic was moving along.
    â€œSweet jeezus! You monster in a wig! You crumb licker! You’re trying to have me killed out here on the road. I will sue you, Westwick! Drag your lipstick-stained drawz through the wringer! You will not get one red cent out of . . .” My voice trailed off as my eyes fluttered over to my left.
    I slowed down. Wait. Is that—? I blinked. Squinted. “I know that’s not who I . . .” My eyes popped open. “ Oh, yes it is! And she’s with... oh no! Oh no!” Across the two-lane street, just a few feet down from the campus’s entrance, I spotted Rich’s car. I eased over to the side of the road, riding the shoulder. Then stopped so I could get a better look.
    â€œHello? Hello? Ellington? You dimwit! Are you there? Hello?”
    â€œOh, shut up, Westwick! Go slide a ruler in it!”
    I ended the call.
    â€œWhat in the world is Rich doing standing out on the side of the road all gussied up like she’s going to some award show for freakazoids? She’s supposed to be up on the new carpet cutting ribbons and smiling for the cameras. So why is she out here with him ? Pimp in Timbs?”
    Rich and I still hadn’t spoken since she’d sucker-snuck me in the face. And I wasn’t going to let it go, or be over it, until I gave that five-foot-six pork roll in heels a taste of my wrath. Putting her hands on me! Mmph! I slid my hand into my bag and pulled out a pair of miniature brass and mother-of-pearl binoculars for a closer view of the spectacle before me. Thinking she’s going to get away with slapping me! Ha!
    I held the binoculars up to my eyes. I’ma light her fire! Miss Crotch Rot! Ole pint-size hoochie!
    â€œWait! Wait! Wait a dingdong minute! What is going on over there?”
    They were arguing!
    Oooh, this is juicy! London’s lover boy and his side trick! Aww, gushy-gushy now!
    I quickly reached for my iPhone and zoomed in, snapping pictures of the two jaybirds quarreling. I set my phone in my lap, looking through my binoculars again. He had his finger in Rich’s face. Going off!
    Mmph. Good for her... that’s exactly what Rated-X gets for messing over a good man like Knox!
    She was probably down here tricking along the highway!
    Ole monster slut...
    Rich had one hand on her hip, snaking her neck, jabbing a finger in the air as she gave it right back to ole Mister Trick Daddy. Mister Hump Along. Mister No Good.
    I rolled my window down, hoping to hear them yelling. But it was too noisy with all the cars going by. I couldn’t hear a goshdang thing!
    What the what? What the heeezyjeezy . . . ?
    â€œ Aaah!”
    He yanked Rich up by the collar. Pinned her up against the car. Jeezus! He was gutter! “Oh no! Oh no! No snatching by the collar! Unless it’s a dog collar! Get your hairy mitts off of her!”
    I snapped another picture. Then looked through my binoculars again.
    â€œOh no he didn’t!”
    He mushed Rich in the face!
    Oh no! Oh no! He’s over there tryna be the new Chris Beat ’Em Down Brown! I don’t think so! Not with my bestie-boo-boo!
    â€œFight him, Rich! Tear his gullet out! Goshdangit!” I snapped, shutting off the engine then reaching up under my seat. “These tricks ’n’ hoes stay keeping me messy! Now Godmomma has to pull out her goodie bag and take it to this boy’s nugget!”
    I pulled up my face mask. Removed my key from the ignition. Retrieved my black leather trick bag, pulled out a case and removed my two metal friends, Nun and Chucks, swung open my car door, got out, then slammed it shut. I was pissed! Some boy putting his hands on my dang friend! Oh, he had the wrong one, two, and three!
    I raced across the highway in my hazmat suit and heels, zigzagging through traffic while swinging my nunchucks up and around over my head.
    Horns blared. Tires screeched. Cars swerved.
    I could hear him yelling at her. “I’m sick of