Riotous Retirement by Brian Robertson, Ron Smallwood

refused to stay for the post card game coffee as was the usual routine. But this was an excuse really because she felt so miserable. She was very glad to get home and not a little worried about her performance. She decided to telephone her daughter and discuss the matter with her.
    Alex returned from Bunning’s with the required part and was also worried about his condition. No matter how much he blinked and rubbed his eyes he could get no relief and his headache persisted. As he parked the vehicle, the gardener was there trimming the surrounding hedge.
    “Been to the eye man then?” he asked Alex.
    “No. Just up for a part for the sink at No. 25.”
    “When did you get the new glasses then?”
    Alex immediately removed his glasses and looked at them closely. “For God’s sake, what a bloody relief,” he exclaimed as it all hit him suddenly. “These glasses belong to Mrs. Matthews and here’s me thinking … well, well!”
    Anne had been at home for 20 minutes when she heard someone at the door. She opened it and was greeted by a grinning Alex.
    “How was the card game then Mrs. Matthews, I hope you won?” said Alex as he removed his footwear and stepped inside carrying the new S bend.
    “No, I did not,” she replied,” in fact my partner and I lost nearly every hand simply because I kept getting the hearts mixed up with the diamonds.”
    “Well how about you try these,” said Alex, “and let me have the pair that you are wearing,” as he whipped off his glasses and offered them to Anne.
    “Well I never,” said Anne as it gradually dawned on her why she had been such a poor card player that afternoon. “Do you know, I was about to make an appointment with my diabetic specialist.”
    “Yes and here was me thinking I might be having a stroke!”
    Anne put the kettle on for a celebratory coffee.
    The Water Leak
    For Alex – his day went astray
For Anne – her cards wouldn’t play
They both felt like wrecks
Till they swapped back their SPECS
The solution was simple – Hooray!

    A Health and Safety Audit

    Helga was well aware that health and safety was an increasingly important aspect of retirement village living. Just recently she had attended a meeting organised by the village operator for managers from all the retirement villages in the state.
    The meeting had opened with a talk about how health and safety was more important than ever these days—in schools, public transport and shopping centres for example. In fact as the lecturer had joked “you can’t wheel your trolley down a Woolworths’ aisle without bumping into one of these big yellow signs telling you that if you slip and hurt your back they will pay you thousands of dollars.” His audience laughed but Helga couldn’t help thinking about Mrs. Oliver from Burnside Retirement Village who had done just that only last week. The case was pending.
    The lecturer summed up.  “Most villages should have a Health and Safety Committee. This should be three or four residents reporting to the Body Corporate. A bit like a parliamentary committee reporting to the Parliament—only more polite—and these people wouldn’t get paid anything except for an extra biscuit at morning tea!” The lecturer then paused for the laugh but he had overdone it a bit and all he got was an embarrassing hush.
    A week later Helga put the suggestion about the requirement to a residents’ meeting. She used the word ‘requirement’ although this was not strictly the case. Less chance for debate she thought!
    She also gave a few examples of why a safety committee was necessary. “They should be checking for loose rails on walkways, low tree branches that anyone might walk into and tree roots pushing up pavements, trip hazards and so on. So if anyone wants to be involved, come along to my office for a chat.”
    The first to approach Helga was Gabriel Bovary. “Perhaps I’m over qualified for such a post but I’m your man if you want someone to lead the team,”