Riotous Retirement by Brian Robertson, Ron Smallwood Page B

was up himself to the degree that this bloke seemed to be. The audience burst into laughter.
    Cedric continued on as though that minor interruption had never happened. “In summation, we have a view that is well premised and we will, in the fullness of time, ventilate that view…”
    “Yes,” shouted Mac again, “it’s sure as hell time to let some hot air out!” But his natural cloak of superiority protected Cedric from such ignorant remarks and he carried on again regardless. “Compliance reports on EH&S will be implemented, recorded, filed, sent to company HQ, acknowledged and returned on a quarterly basis and then published as a part of the annual village Environmental Health and Safety report. This will contribute to the company safety metrics compliance and performance data,” and here Cedric paused for the briefest period.
    As he paused Helga leapt to her feet, capitalising on the opportunity to head off any other sneering comment from the back of the room and to avoid any embarrassing questions. She could think of many herself but she just thanked Cedric for his most enlightening talk.
    “I am sure that all the residents appreciate the trouble you have taken to explain the company’s EH&S policy so clearly.” Polite clapping followed from the few residents who had just been able to return to consciousness at that moment.
    But the highlight of the day came towards the end of the safety audit that same afternoon. Gabriel—despite Helga’s insistence that this was a private company activity—just could not be shaken. The bloody man has a skin like a rhinoceros, Helga thought, he just can’t take a hint. So Gabriel dominated the tour and Helga eventually figured that it would be more profitable, in terms of gaining a good EH&S grading for the village if she just let Gabriel continue. At the very least the auditors could not say that she had failed to interest the residents in taking part in the health and safety process.
    They had paused on the pavement by the tree-lined leafy entrance to the village centre to listen carefully to what Cedric was emphasising, for at least the third time, about how health and safety could benefit the individual resident.
    Suddenly they were alerted by a loud car horn. It was Mrs. Liz Waverly’s mobility scooter approaching down the pavement towards them at great speed. Mrs. Waverly, who was not incapacitated to any great degree, had given in to her desire to have a scooter, partly through laziness, partly to quench her desire to drive a scooter fast—as she always did her car—and for what she referred to as her breathlessness. This was really no more than being grossly overweight. The lady was large. She was leaning forward on the scooter presumably to afford less wind resistance. She wore a bright blue coat with her long white hair flying behind her as she drove her red V8 equivalent mobility scooter towards the safety audit group. As Helga turned, all she saw was this large red and blue object barrelling towards them at supersonic speed.
    Liz Waverly had delayed sounding her horn presuming that the group on the pavement would immediately turn in to the village centre; but because they had stopped she was on top of them, literally, in an instant. Three of the party jumped into the vegetation on the inside of the pavement. Gabriel, being overweight himself and not quite so agile as he used to be, tripped and fell onto Cedric bringing them both down sprawling in the vegetation at Helga’s feet.
    Meanwhile Liz, in her effort to avoid running anyone down, had held as hard as she possibly could to the outside of the footpath but the leriopes planted under the trees, next to the roadway, were spilling over the edge of the pavement and hiding one of the few hazards that Gabriel and his team had missed.
    Liz’s rear off side wheel clipped a piece of raised pavement. This, combined with the speed, was enough to topple Liz and the scooter arse over kettle, leaving the scooter on