Rising Tides by Maria Rachel Hooley Page A

Let’s at least get it right when we talk about it.”  My voice trembled slightly, and I felt my body shaking.
    He flinched and closed his eyes.  “Oh, God, Kel, don’t ask me to do this.”  He frowned, deepening the creases in his forehead.  “I can’t leave you like this.”
    “Like what?” I asked softly.  “Like a pathetic woman who can’t do anything for herself?”  I blinked, trying to keep tears from pooling in my eyes.  “Yes, I know what’s coming.  But until it does, I’m still living, not just waiting.”
    “You’re my wife.  I promised you I’d be with you no matter what.”  He reached down and caught one of my hands.  “I want to be there for you.  We have to do this together.”
    I gently pulled away.  “No, we don’t.  I have to do this.  And you have to keep living.”  I brushed away the first tear I couldn’t hold back.  “Besides, there is Aaron to think about.  And Debra.  She has a stake in this, too.  She has a part of your life I don’t.”
    “So that’s it.”  Gary’s face turned white, and he walked over to the bed where he sat in silence.  Closing his eyes, he cradled his head in his hands.  “How long have you known?”
    “Too long.  Since before I found out I had cancer.”  I sat on the bed next to him, folding my hands in my lap. “At first, it was hell.  But then, when the doctor told me I only had a few months, I realized your affair wasn’t the big picture.  Not anymore.”  I looked over at him and found he had dropped his hands to his lap and was shaking his head slowly back and forth.  “There are parts of me which haven’t forgiven, parts of me that are different because of it.  But the rest of me is trying to keep living as long as I can.”  I touched his hand.  “And I don’t fault you for having a healthy heart, even if it is in the wrong place.”
    He grabbed my hand.  “I’ll make it up to you, Kel.  Don’t call it quits because of this.”  Two small tear tracks spilled down his face, glittering.  He chewed on his lip, trying to figure out what to say.   “I still love you.  You know that. You’ve always known that.”
    “Yeah, I always have.”  I rolled my shoulders.  Tears pooled in my eyes, threatening to spill until I blinked them away.  A thickness blocked my throat, making speaking difficult.  “That’s what hurts.  I know you do.  But I’m not leaving because of you and Debra.  I’m leaving in spite of it.  There are things I can handle.  Knowing you’re having an affair is one of them.  But I can’t watch you watch me die.”  I patted his leg softly before standing and walking to the mirror.  “Right now, there aren’t many things I can give you, but I can let you go on living.”  I dabbed at the tracks running down his face.  “You’re only human.  You’ve made mistakes.  So have I.  But this isn’t about them.”
    “I’m sorry,” he said softly as he stood and resumed his packing.  His fingers moved stiffly, as though he had arthritis.
    “We’re all sorry for something, Gary.  Sometimes we just don’t know what it is yet.”  I stepped into the bathroom and took my shower. When I came out, Gary was sitting on the bed with his hands folded together.
    “I could stay with you,” he said.  His eyes were closed, and he looked like a child in a grown body.  “We’ve been through so many things, Kel.  I could do this.”
    Trying to ignore the slight tremor in his voice, I faced the mirror and began braiding my hair.  “I know you could.  But there are things you do because you want to, and there are things you do because you feel as though you should.”  My fingers trembled so badly I could barely keep hold of each thick strand as I wove them together.  “I know some part of you wants to, but you’re afraid.”  I twisted the band around the end of the braid and turned toward him.  “I think I’ve seen you pray more in the last month that in