been
monitoring
me.
How?
I had always thought I camouflaged my loneliness, my accidental celibacy. Then I
remembered my brown clothing, my messy ponytail, my awful shoes, my slouch, my cat,
my trudge home at dusk to my empty apartment. Anyone with a set of eyes could have
seen that a brown-colored aura had settled over me, like a dusting of defeat. It was
time. Time to make a leap.
“Yes,” I said, shaking the remaining doubt out of my head. “I’m in. I want to do this.”
The room erupted in applause. Amani nodded encouragingly.
“Consider the women in this circle your sisters. We can guide you back to your true
self,” Matilda said, standing up.
My chest tightened with emotion. I was feeling so much at the same time—joy, fear,
confusion and gratitude. Was this really happening? To me?
“Why are you doing this for me?” I asked, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.
“Because we can,” said Bernice.
Matilda reached under the table and pulled a zippered folder. She placed it in front
of me. It looked like real alligator skin and it was embossed with my initials,
CR
. They knew, on some fundamental level, that this was not something I could turn down.
I opened it, exposing the two sides of the folder, each filled with ornately embossed
papers. On the left was a linen envelope with my name on it in calligraphy. Even my
wedding invitations weren’t this beautiful.
“Go ahead,” said Matilda. “Open it.”
I carefully ripped the seal. Inside was a card.
On this day, Cassie Robichaud is invited by the Committee to take the Steps
.
________________________ Cassie Robichaud
Beneath that was another line:
____________________ Matilda Greene, Guide
Tucked into the right side of the folder was a small journal, exactly like Pauline’s,
also with my initials.
“Cassie, would you read the Steps aloud for us?”
“Now?” I looked around the table and couldn’t see a single face that frightened me,
and I knew that I could walk out the door at any time—but I didn’t want to. I stood
up, but my legs felt frozen. “I’m scared.”
“Every one of the women around this table has felt the same thing you’re feeling right
now,” Matilda said, and the women nodded. “Cassie, we
are
our sexual lives.”
The tears were flowing now. It felt, at long last, as though all the grief I’d stored
up in me was finally finding its way out.
Amani leaned closer to me and said, “The ability to heal ourselves has made it possible
for us to help others. That’s why we’re here. That’s the
only
reason we’re here.”
I stared down at the diary. I gathered every ounce of strength and courage I could
muster. I wanted to come alive like these women. I wanted to feel pleasure, and to
live in my body again. I wanted all of it. I wanted everything. I opened to the Steps
and read all ten, the same words I had read in Pauline’s diary. When I finished, I
sat down and a great sense of relief moved from my feet, through my body, and out
my arms.
“Thank you, Cassie,” Matilda said. “Now I have three important questions for you.
One, do you want what we have?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Two, within the boundaries of complete safety and security and the guidance we offer
you, are you willing to take these Steps?”
I looked back down at the Steps. I wanted this. I really did. “Yes. I think so.”
“And three, Cassie Robichaud, do you accept me as your guide?”
“Yes. I do,” I said.
The room burst into more applause.
Matilda squeezed my hands in hers. “Cassie, I promise you that you’ll be safe, you’ll
be cared for, you’ll be cherished. You have total autonomy over your body and what
you want to do with it. You can decide how to proceed at all times. You will never
be coerced. That’s not to say you won’t be afraid, but that’s what we’re here for.
What I’m here for. Now I have one more thing to give you.”
She walked over to the
monitoring
me.
How?
I had always thought I camouflaged my loneliness, my accidental celibacy. Then I
remembered my brown clothing, my messy ponytail, my awful shoes, my slouch, my cat,
my trudge home at dusk to my empty apartment. Anyone with a set of eyes could have
seen that a brown-colored aura had settled over me, like a dusting of defeat. It was
time. Time to make a leap.
“Yes,” I said, shaking the remaining doubt out of my head. “I’m in. I want to do this.”
The room erupted in applause. Amani nodded encouragingly.
“Consider the women in this circle your sisters. We can guide you back to your true
self,” Matilda said, standing up.
My chest tightened with emotion. I was feeling so much at the same time—joy, fear,
confusion and gratitude. Was this really happening? To me?
“Why are you doing this for me?” I asked, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.
“Because we can,” said Bernice.
Matilda reached under the table and pulled a zippered folder. She placed it in front
of me. It looked like real alligator skin and it was embossed with my initials,
CR
. They knew, on some fundamental level, that this was not something I could turn down.
I opened it, exposing the two sides of the folder, each filled with ornately embossed
papers. On the left was a linen envelope with my name on it in calligraphy. Even my
wedding invitations weren’t this beautiful.
“Go ahead,” said Matilda. “Open it.”
I carefully ripped the seal. Inside was a card.
On this day, Cassie Robichaud is invited by the Committee to take the Steps
.
________________________ Cassie Robichaud
Beneath that was another line:
____________________ Matilda Greene, Guide
Tucked into the right side of the folder was a small journal, exactly like Pauline’s,
also with my initials.
“Cassie, would you read the Steps aloud for us?”
“Now?” I looked around the table and couldn’t see a single face that frightened me,
and I knew that I could walk out the door at any time—but I didn’t want to. I stood
up, but my legs felt frozen. “I’m scared.”
“Every one of the women around this table has felt the same thing you’re feeling right
now,” Matilda said, and the women nodded. “Cassie, we
are
our sexual lives.”
The tears were flowing now. It felt, at long last, as though all the grief I’d stored
up in me was finally finding its way out.
Amani leaned closer to me and said, “The ability to heal ourselves has made it possible
for us to help others. That’s why we’re here. That’s the
only
reason we’re here.”
I stared down at the diary. I gathered every ounce of strength and courage I could
muster. I wanted to come alive like these women. I wanted to feel pleasure, and to
live in my body again. I wanted all of it. I wanted everything. I opened to the Steps
and read all ten, the same words I had read in Pauline’s diary. When I finished, I
sat down and a great sense of relief moved from my feet, through my body, and out
my arms.
“Thank you, Cassie,” Matilda said. “Now I have three important questions for you.
One, do you want what we have?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Two, within the boundaries of complete safety and security and the guidance we offer
you, are you willing to take these Steps?”
I looked back down at the Steps. I wanted this. I really did. “Yes. I think so.”
“And three, Cassie Robichaud, do you accept me as your guide?”
“Yes. I do,” I said.
The room burst into more applause.
Matilda squeezed my hands in hers. “Cassie, I promise you that you’ll be safe, you’ll
be cared for, you’ll be cherished. You have total autonomy over your body and what
you want to do with it. You can decide how to proceed at all times. You will never
be coerced. That’s not to say you won’t be afraid, but that’s what we’re here for.
What I’m here for. Now I have one more thing to give you.”
She walked over to the
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