Selby's Shemozzle by Duncan Ball Page A

thought, ‘It’s the werewolf!’ but then I thought, ‘Get a grip, Selby, it’s only Aunt Jetty.’
    I looked out from under the tablecloth and there was this really hairy hand coming around the door.
    â€˜Gulp,’ I thought. ‘It’s him! But it can’t be!’
    The hairy hand was followed by another hairy hand, and then a hairy head. There, creeping into the lounge room, was Hairy Harry!
    Now, I don’t know what you’d do if a hairy head-chopping monster came into your lounge room. I don’t reckon you’d think it over or anything. I mean, you probably wouldn’t say to yourself, ‘A hairy head-chopping monsterjust came into my lounge room. What should I do about it? Let me think this over.’ No, I reckon you’d scream. And that’s just what I did. I yelled out in plain English, ‘Help! He’s here! The monster’s here! Run for your lives!’
    The surprising thing was that the monster screamed too.
    â€˜A monster! A monster!’ it screamed.
    That’s when I realised that the hairy head-chopping werewolf was really Aunt Jetty! And all the hair was from Dr Trifle’s hair restorer, because she’d thought it was Beautifying and Anti-Ageing Cream and put it all over herself!
    Anyway, Aunt Jetty ran down the hallway to get away from the monster and she suddenly saw herself in the hall mirror. Of course, she didn’t know she was covered in hair, and in the darkness she didn’t know that the hairy monster running towards her was herself.
    Suddenly she leapt into the air with a
‘Hiiii-yah!',
kicking the mirror and smashing it to bits.
    â€˜Where’d you go, you devil?’ she screamed, and she raced back, kicking in every direction.
‘Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah! Hiiii-yah!’
    Now at this point the boys woke up and started screaming at the top of their lungs, ‘Help! It’s him! It’s him! Help!’ while running around trying to keep out of the way of their kicking mother.
    Hearing all the noise, Mrs Trifle tore out of the bedroom and when she saw the hairy, kicking monster she suddenly must have gone back to being a little girl again, because she put her hands over her eyes and screamed, ‘It’s a wolf! It’s a wolf!’
    The thing about Dr Trifle is that he’s a very sound sleeper. Almost nothing wakes him up. But he’s not a sound enough sleeper to sleep through four people screaming at the top of their lungs, and one of them kicking the furniture to bits. So, still dazed from his deep sleep, Dr Trifle stepped into the hallway, rubbing his face with his hands.
    It was then that he must have felt the patch of new hair growing on the top of his head where he used to be bald. And it was then that he saw the dark hairy figure kicking and roaring like a gorilla fighting off a herd of attacking hyenas.
    It was suddenly all too much for him and he, too, sank back into his
Jack and the Beanstalk
days.
    â€˜Look out!’ he screamed. ‘Here he comes! Look out! Look out!’
    Billy was running around bashing his mother with his plastic cricket bat until she kicked him across the room.
    Willy, meanwhile, ripped the rubber tips off his wooden arrows, took aim at his mother and drew the bow back so far I thought it would break.
    â€˜Shoot him in the heart, Willy!’
Billy screamed.
‘Shoot the werewolf! Ready! Aim! …’
    When I saw Willy about to shoot his mother through the heart, I knew I had to do something.
    I leapt out from under the table and was about to yell out in plain English, ‘Stop this! Stop it right now! It’s not a hairy head-chopping monster, it’s only Aunt Jetty!’ when suddenly Billy yelled,
‘Fire!’
and Willy let the arrow go.
    The arrow flew through the air as fast as a bullet, heading straight for Aunt Jetty. For aminute I thought of jumping into the air and letting it hit me instead, but then I thought better