Selby's Shemozzle by Duncan Ball Page B

of it.
    Suddenly there was water everywhere. Billy yelling ‘
Fire!’
had set off Dr Trifle’s fire putter-outer invention.
    Aunt Jetty had gone into a fighting crouch, kicking this way and that with her bottom pointing in my direction. I knew there was only one thing to do to save her. I sprang towards her, flying through the air like an eagle after a rat.
    And that’s when I bit Aunt Jetty on the bum — again. Only this time it was on purpose.
    â€˜Yooooouuuuuuch!’
Aunt Jetty screamed, straightening up — as you would do if you were bent over and someone bit you on the bum — and the arrow whizzed past, just missing her.
    Suddenly the wet tuft of hair on Dr Trifle’s head slid off and hit the floor. And then all the hair from the hairy monster fell off too.
    â€˜Jetty!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘It’s you!’
    Anyway, so that’s what happened. Later the Trifles and Aunt Jetty laughed when they talked about ‘The Big Shemozzle’. Aunt Jetty blamed it all on the boys watching a DVD they shouldn’t have. Mrs Trifle blamed Dr Trifle for inventing his hair restorer. Dr Trifle blamed Mrs Trifle for screaming so much and waking him up. Willy blamed Billy for hitting his mother with his cricket bat. And everyone blamed Willy for almost killing Aunt Jetty.

    I was the only one who didn’t get any blame, and really, when you think about it, it was my fault. It never would have happened if I hadn’t screamed when Aunt Jetty came in the door.
    The surprising thing was that Aunt Jetty was actually happy that I bit her on the bum.
    â€˜You saved my life, you smelly old thing,’ she said. ‘If you hadn’t nipped me, I’d have been killed.’
    And that’s when the most horrible thing of all happened — Aunt Jetty kissed me.
    Yucko!
    Paw note: See ‘Selby Bites Back’ in the book
Selby Supersnoop
.
    S

Seeing-Eye Selby
    â€˜You’ll like my old friend, Bertha,’ Cousin Wilhemina said to Mrs Trifle. ‘She’s just visiting for the weekend. You wouldn’t mind putting her up, would you?’
    â€˜No, I’d be happy to,’ said Mrs Trifle.
    â€˜She’s a big woman,’ Cousin Wilhemina said. ‘Likes her food. But she’s not fussy. She’ll eat anything. And so will Fred.’
    â€˜Fred? Who’s Fred, her husband?’
    Wilhemina laughed.
    â€˜Oh no, she isn’t married. Fred isn’t a
who,
he’s a
what.
He’s not a person, he’s a
thing.’
    â€˜You want me to put up a strange woman and … and a thing?’
    â€˜He’s a dog, ‘Wilhemina said. ‘Fred is Bertha’s dog.’
    â€˜Now hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m a dog and I’m not just a
thing.
What is she on about?’
    â€˜You didn’t mention that your friend is bringing her dog,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What if he doesn’t get along with Selby? Oh, well, I guess we could leave him outdoors.’
    â€˜No, you can’t do that. Fred is Bertha’s seeing-eye dog.’
    â€˜Her what?’
    â€˜Her seeing-eye dog. Her
guide
dog. He leads her everywhere and sleeps by her bed. You can’t separate them.’
    â€˜Oh, I get it,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘your friend is blind. Why didn’t you say so? I’m sure she and her dog won’t be any trouble at all. Now I remember Bertha. You two used to go hiking together, didn’t you?’
    â€˜Many years ago,’ Cousin Wilhemina said. ‘She became a very serious mountaineer. She lost her sight when she came down with mountain madness on the tallest mountain in the world and then fell off a cliff.’
    â€˜Mount Everest, was it?’ Mrs Trifle said.
    â€˜No, that’s not the tallest anymore. Not since they discovered Mount Selby in Antarctica.’
    â€˜Mount Selby,’ Selby thought. ‘My mountain. I love that mountain — even if it did almost