Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self Page B
Authors: Jeffery Self
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Heterosexuals love include Best Buy, Pier 1, Barnes & Noble, anywhere that sells dog clothing, and Target. Stores to avoid include locally owned Russian bookstores, Big & Tall stores, and places that only sell bootleg DVDs.
This book: Heterosexuals will love receiving a copy of this book for two reasons: (1) because Heterosexuals love reading about themselves, and (2) they’ll appreciate that you’re sharing something you love so intensely, and something that President Barack Obama has declared “vital reading for the general public.” *
Gadgets: Heterosexuals appreciate gadgets more than anyone else. So why not give them the latest electric back scratcher or battery-operated coaster that keeps coffee warm? Purchase a plane ticket to anywhere, board the plane, take your complimentary copy of Sky Mall magazine, and as soon as you arrive at your destination, start shopping!
Cash: Obviously.
Whiskey: If the Heterosexual you’re shopping for is anything like my dad, just buy him a nice bottle of whiskey, and it’ll be the best gift he’s received all year. I don’t think my sister and I have gotten my dad a nonalcoholic Christmas gift since we were 13.
Socks: All Heterosexuals need socks, unless they don’t have feet; in that case, I would suggest avoiding socks at all costs.
Edible Arrangements: Heterosexuals love to receive Edible Arrangements, flowerlike arrangements made out of fruit. I’ve never quite gotten the allure of this phenomenon, but Heterosexuals seem to go crazy for them. That said, wake me up when somebody comes up with a Drinkable Arrangement.
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Music
It isn’t going to be your taste, but ignore that and enjoy it. A little John Mayer never hurt anybody. Well, actually, I think he hurt Taylor Swift and I can only assume Jennifer Aniston, but who hasn’t hurt Jennifer Aniston? I promise that is the last time I’m going to bring up John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston. *
Conversation
Get ready to talk about stuff you absolutely couldn’t care less about. I’m talking the Mets; I’m talking the economy; I’m talking why the Droid ** is better than the iPhone. But you might learn some things, so listen. Making idle conversation with drunk Heterosexuals at a cocktail party is a great way to gain insight into their culture, and it’s also a good way to catch up on what’s been happening on ABC’s Bachelor Pad .
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The Top 10 Things You Should Avoid While at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
1. Cher impressions. I don’t care how great your friends tell you yours is, Heterosexuals will not care and also, to be honest, it isn’t that great.
2. Asking the Heterosexual Female host, “Are those real?”
3. Pretty much anything having to do with the Tony Awards.
4. Asking who has drugs, then saying you’re kidding, then saying, “No, but really.”
5. Saying, “Fuck the Beatles.”
6. Putting on a wig midway into the party—or at any point during the party, for that matter.
7. Showing up already wearing a wig. You might think it’s cute. The other guests will not.
8. Asking the hosts if they have any wigs.
9. Inviting 15 of your closest friends whose names you don’t remember.
10. Pretending you’re choking so the host’s boyfriend will give you mouth to mouth, then, right as he does, sticking your tongue down his throat and saying, “Gotcha!”
----
How Late Should I Plan to Stay?
Customarily, Heterosexual cocktail parties end on the earlier side, so don’t overstay your welcome. The hosts might casually suggest that they’d “better take Mindy out.” Mindy is the Heterosexuals’ dog, who will one day be completely forgotten and ignored once said Heterosexual hosts have a baby. Once the “walk the dog” line has been used, or the obligatory yawn stifled, you should politely leave. This is the end of the night, and just because you think cocktail parties should end with your showing everyone YouTube
This book: Heterosexuals will love receiving a copy of this book for two reasons: (1) because Heterosexuals love reading about themselves, and (2) they’ll appreciate that you’re sharing something you love so intensely, and something that President Barack Obama has declared “vital reading for the general public.” *
Gadgets: Heterosexuals appreciate gadgets more than anyone else. So why not give them the latest electric back scratcher or battery-operated coaster that keeps coffee warm? Purchase a plane ticket to anywhere, board the plane, take your complimentary copy of Sky Mall magazine, and as soon as you arrive at your destination, start shopping!
Cash: Obviously.
Whiskey: If the Heterosexual you’re shopping for is anything like my dad, just buy him a nice bottle of whiskey, and it’ll be the best gift he’s received all year. I don’t think my sister and I have gotten my dad a nonalcoholic Christmas gift since we were 13.
Socks: All Heterosexuals need socks, unless they don’t have feet; in that case, I would suggest avoiding socks at all costs.
Edible Arrangements: Heterosexuals love to receive Edible Arrangements, flowerlike arrangements made out of fruit. I’ve never quite gotten the allure of this phenomenon, but Heterosexuals seem to go crazy for them. That said, wake me up when somebody comes up with a Drinkable Arrangement.
----
Music
It isn’t going to be your taste, but ignore that and enjoy it. A little John Mayer never hurt anybody. Well, actually, I think he hurt Taylor Swift and I can only assume Jennifer Aniston, but who hasn’t hurt Jennifer Aniston? I promise that is the last time I’m going to bring up John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston. *
Conversation
Get ready to talk about stuff you absolutely couldn’t care less about. I’m talking the Mets; I’m talking the economy; I’m talking why the Droid ** is better than the iPhone. But you might learn some things, so listen. Making idle conversation with drunk Heterosexuals at a cocktail party is a great way to gain insight into their culture, and it’s also a good way to catch up on what’s been happening on ABC’s Bachelor Pad .
----
The Top 10 Things You Should Avoid While at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
1. Cher impressions. I don’t care how great your friends tell you yours is, Heterosexuals will not care and also, to be honest, it isn’t that great.
2. Asking the Heterosexual Female host, “Are those real?”
3. Pretty much anything having to do with the Tony Awards.
4. Asking who has drugs, then saying you’re kidding, then saying, “No, but really.”
5. Saying, “Fuck the Beatles.”
6. Putting on a wig midway into the party—or at any point during the party, for that matter.
7. Showing up already wearing a wig. You might think it’s cute. The other guests will not.
8. Asking the hosts if they have any wigs.
9. Inviting 15 of your closest friends whose names you don’t remember.
10. Pretending you’re choking so the host’s boyfriend will give you mouth to mouth, then, right as he does, sticking your tongue down his throat and saying, “Gotcha!”
----
How Late Should I Plan to Stay?
Customarily, Heterosexual cocktail parties end on the earlier side, so don’t overstay your welcome. The hosts might casually suggest that they’d “better take Mindy out.” Mindy is the Heterosexuals’ dog, who will one day be completely forgotten and ignored once said Heterosexual hosts have a baby. Once the “walk the dog” line has been used, or the obligatory yawn stifled, you should politely leave. This is the end of the night, and just because you think cocktail parties should end with your showing everyone YouTube
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