Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self Page A
Authors: Jeffery Self
Ads: Link
when the female discovers an interest of her male counterpart, she will often use this to her advantage, claiming to also have enjoyed the first three seasons of The Wire and that, she, too, thinks Jet Skis are “totally awesome.”
This practice can prove both successful and highly dangerous. My friend Colleen once really, really liked a guy and discovered from some serious Facebook-stalking that he was extremely into dirt bikes. I immediately warned Colleen that men with dirt bikes are just one step above men who wear raccoon tails from their belts as a fashion accessory. She didn’t listen and instead claimed to be obsessed with dirt bikes, too. Colleen was in an arm brace and leg cast within a week. By lying and not being her true self, Colleen not only screwed things up with a guy she really liked, but also injured herself so badly she had to miss The Sound of Music Sing-Along at the Hollywood Bowl, which we had tickets to go to the following weekend. So guess who had to go out in public as Kurt von Trapp in lederhosen without his Brigitta anywhere in sight? Whatever. It’s fine, Colleen. I’m over it now.
----
Other Uses of Facebook for the Heterosexual Female
----
Other Heterosexuals randomly meet their mates at social functions due to happenstance or fate. Such social functions include bars, hip-hop listening parties, the park, or cocktail parties. At some point in all of our lives, we will find ourselves at a Heterosexual cocktail party. * Do not panic and do not be alarmed . That is the all-time worst way to begin the evening. Or any evening for that matter. Panicking at cocktail parties is like sitting through an entire episode of The Good Wife : After a few glasses of wine, sure, it seems like a good idea, but ultimately it just isn’t worth it.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
A Heterosexual cocktail party can be lots of fun if you know what to expect; some of my favorite nights have been at Heterosexual cocktail parties. Obviously, they serve as a great place for some in-depth Heterosexual Watching.
Presliced Cheese Platters
Heterosexuals love those trays of cheese that have already been sliced when you buy them from the prepared-food deli case at the store. Even if they’ve gone to the effort to move the presliced cheese onto actual dishware, do not be fooled; this cheese was cut long before they bought it, and, no, that wasn’t a fart joke. Farting at cocktail parties, by the way, is usually frowned upon.
What Should I Bring?
Good question. A bottle of wine is a perfectly respectable gift, * and if you want to think outside the box, consider a scented candle or a decorative figurine. Heterosexuals love those candles that smell like baked goods and any sort of Precious Moments figurine. Gifts to avoid include edible clothing of any kind, Rita Wilson’s AM/FM CD, or, worst of all, do not regift the bottle of peach liqueur the hosts gave you for your birthday. I don’t care how much space it is taking up in your freezer; they will remember, and they will be hurt.
----
Heterosexual Gift-Giving
While we’re on the topic of gifts, at some point you will likely be searching for a gift to give the Heterosexuals in your life, either for Christmas, a birthday, or as an apology for spilling that pitcher of white Russians all over their brand new couch. Fear not! Consider one of the following suggestions:
Homemade bread: Heterosexuals will be touched by the notion that you took the time to make them bread; plus, if you are a Non-Heterosexual, Heterosexuals are always impressed by Non-Heterosexuals with good cooking skills. Even if you can’t bake bread, go to your local bakery, buy something fresh, take it home, wrap it in foil, and call it your own. The Heterosexual will say things like, “Jeffery is such a good baker! Gay people are great!” for weeks to come.
Gift cards: Heterosexuals love gift cards because you’re putting the decision in their hands. Stores all
This practice can prove both successful and highly dangerous. My friend Colleen once really, really liked a guy and discovered from some serious Facebook-stalking that he was extremely into dirt bikes. I immediately warned Colleen that men with dirt bikes are just one step above men who wear raccoon tails from their belts as a fashion accessory. She didn’t listen and instead claimed to be obsessed with dirt bikes, too. Colleen was in an arm brace and leg cast within a week. By lying and not being her true self, Colleen not only screwed things up with a guy she really liked, but also injured herself so badly she had to miss The Sound of Music Sing-Along at the Hollywood Bowl, which we had tickets to go to the following weekend. So guess who had to go out in public as Kurt von Trapp in lederhosen without his Brigitta anywhere in sight? Whatever. It’s fine, Colleen. I’m over it now.
----
Other Uses of Facebook for the Heterosexual Female
----
Other Heterosexuals randomly meet their mates at social functions due to happenstance or fate. Such social functions include bars, hip-hop listening parties, the park, or cocktail parties. At some point in all of our lives, we will find ourselves at a Heterosexual cocktail party. * Do not panic and do not be alarmed . That is the all-time worst way to begin the evening. Or any evening for that matter. Panicking at cocktail parties is like sitting through an entire episode of The Good Wife : After a few glasses of wine, sure, it seems like a good idea, but ultimately it just isn’t worth it.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Cocktail Party
A Heterosexual cocktail party can be lots of fun if you know what to expect; some of my favorite nights have been at Heterosexual cocktail parties. Obviously, they serve as a great place for some in-depth Heterosexual Watching.
Presliced Cheese Platters
Heterosexuals love those trays of cheese that have already been sliced when you buy them from the prepared-food deli case at the store. Even if they’ve gone to the effort to move the presliced cheese onto actual dishware, do not be fooled; this cheese was cut long before they bought it, and, no, that wasn’t a fart joke. Farting at cocktail parties, by the way, is usually frowned upon.
What Should I Bring?
Good question. A bottle of wine is a perfectly respectable gift, * and if you want to think outside the box, consider a scented candle or a decorative figurine. Heterosexuals love those candles that smell like baked goods and any sort of Precious Moments figurine. Gifts to avoid include edible clothing of any kind, Rita Wilson’s AM/FM CD, or, worst of all, do not regift the bottle of peach liqueur the hosts gave you for your birthday. I don’t care how much space it is taking up in your freezer; they will remember, and they will be hurt.
----
Heterosexual Gift-Giving
While we’re on the topic of gifts, at some point you will likely be searching for a gift to give the Heterosexuals in your life, either for Christmas, a birthday, or as an apology for spilling that pitcher of white Russians all over their brand new couch. Fear not! Consider one of the following suggestions:
Homemade bread: Heterosexuals will be touched by the notion that you took the time to make them bread; plus, if you are a Non-Heterosexual, Heterosexuals are always impressed by Non-Heterosexuals with good cooking skills. Even if you can’t bake bread, go to your local bakery, buy something fresh, take it home, wrap it in foil, and call it your own. The Heterosexual will say things like, “Jeffery is such a good baker! Gay people are great!” for weeks to come.
Gift cards: Heterosexuals love gift cards because you’re putting the decision in their hands. Stores all
Similar Books
