Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self

something each calls his “good shirt.” The “good shirt” is an attractive and stylish shirt purchased on sale at Express two years earlier (to wear to his cousin Lisa’s wedding or funeral; Lisa had a weird 2011). The Heterosexual Female is impressed by the gesture such self-adornment represents and, as their mating rituals accelerate, she will see more of this shirt, until she finally breaks down and buys him a second “good shirt,” followed quickly by a third.
His Best High School Sports Story
    Even if they didn’t play a high school sport, all Heterosexual Males claim to have been “the best player on the team.” The Heterosexual Male uses his sporting glory days to lure a prospectivefemale into believing he is some kind of athletic superhuman. The Heterosexual Female can expect to hear phrases like, “People still talk about my throw” or “And everyone started cheering, ‘Charlie! Charlie!’ But I just kept running for the ball” or “They were really serious about my going professional, but I was just too interested in working at my dad’s hardware store.”

How the Heterosexual Female Attracts a Mate
    On the opposite end of the spectrum, Heterosexual Females prefer much more strategic approaches to mating. However, if a Heterosexual Female seriously likes the male, she will actively try to seal the romantic deal, oftentimes resorting to ultimatums; as a reference point, listen to Beyoncé’s hit song “Single Ladies,” in which she tells the male in question that if he liked “it” then he should have put a ring on “it.” The “it” in question here is obviously her ring finger, but it’s a bigger message than this, the message being that Heterosexual Females rightfully know what they want and go for it. Also that Beyoncé is Fierce with a capital F.
The Initial Encounter
    This early interaction sets the tone for the entire mating process. When the female portrays herself as shy, subdued, or hard to get, the male must woo her with mixed CDs, * greeting cards that play Taylor Swift songs, and phrases like deep connection . This process can prove to be immensely expensive and tiring for the male. In the case of a more aggressive Heterosexual Female or one with the helpful assistance of alcohol, the female may come on quite strong, igniting a more fast-paced mating processthat is usually welcomed by the Heterosexual Male. This female is sometimes deemed by society as “easy,” which is considered both highly derogatory and a reason for giving someone a reality television show.
Primping
    The Heterosexual Female beautifully decorates herself with makeup, trendy clothing, jewelry, styled hair, and perfume. A good indication of the female’s interest in the male is just how much time she’s spent on her appearance. If a Heterosexual Female shows up on a date in sweatpants and a Mets cap, it’s safe to assume her interest is relatively low or that she is a lesbian of the butch persuasion. However, if she shows up dressed like Sandy in the last scene of Grease * after she gets all cool and sexy and wears a leather jacket and Rizzo may or may not have lost the baby she was freaking out about in the scene before, it’s safe to assume the female is either very interested or secretly a drag queen.
Facebook-Stalking
    While this activity is practiced by both genders, the female nearly always outperforms the male. In order to weed out the duds, many females will research a possible mate on Facebook, discovering everything about his past and present, his favorite movies, and how fat he was in college. Warning: Heterosexuals should wait a minimum of two weeks before poking their possible mate and an additional three weeks before following him on Instagram. (Too many filtered photos of brunch dishes and your neighbor’s puppy have never helped anybody find the love of her life, ladies!)
Common Interests
    This can come from Facebook-stalking or from a good old-fashioned conversation; either way,