even know what I just gave you? You owe it to me! Tell me what I did wrong!” I’m yelling in his face, ready to cry.
Sean’s shoulders square and I know I won’t get an answer from him. I turn on my heel quickly and drag the curtain closed, before pressing my forehead to the wall. The tile is cold against my skin and the water disguises my tears. I don’t sob, but I can’t stop the rest. It feels wrong.
A moment later the curtain opens. Sean’s voice is soft. “It wasn’t you, Avery. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m—I fucked up.” I turn slowly, but avoid his eyes. My arms are wrapped around my middle as the water pounds over me. Sean continues, “Sometimes I can’t sort between the past and the present. I don’t want to hurt you, and the truth will hurt you more. I don’t want to say the rest. I mean, I don’t think I should.”
I lift my chin and meet his somber gaze. Shaking my head, I press him, urging, “Let me in.”
“Not this time, Avery.”
“You were somewhere else. I was someone else. If you say it, if you admit it, it’ll stop. Purge your soul, Sean. Just do it. Whatever I’m going to imagine is going to be worse than what you were thinking anyway.”
Sean just shakes his head and turns from me with his jaw locked tight. Whatever past he was reliving, it terrified him as much as it terrified me.
CHAPTER 12
The rest of the afternoon passes slowly. I try not to think about what happened, but the box is still in the room and it reminds me. I close the lid and shove it to Amber’s side of the room before laying on my bed. We’re waiting for death to come knocking. I wonder how mental I am that I don’t care. My life is so out of control, so completely messed up, that I welcome the knock. I won’t jump off a ledge or anything, but I hurt so much… I just want it to stop.
Sean doesn’t say much. He’s upset with himself, of that I’m certain. He’s on my computer, doing God knows what, when he finally asks me, “Were there more videos from the sexting client that weren’t deleted?”
My eyes cut across the room to the little desk, and I sit upright on my bed. “Yes. Why?”
Sean’s lips are pressed together. “Come see.”
“I don’t care.” I stay on my bed and lay back down. So what if another video of me is out there? That’s the least of my problems at the moment.
“I need to know if it’s a copy or if this was from a different time.” Sean’s voice is tense.
I push up and walk over to him before glancing past his shoulder at the screen. Sean presses play and I don’t know what I’m looking at. It’s very dark, too dark to make out faces, but I know it’s me. The floor of my stomach drops. “I didn’t record that.” As the video continues, I see me having sex with someone, but there’s no face—just a naked back. He’s in my room, on my bed, slamming his hips into mine. My hands fly to my mouth as I try not to scream because I don’t remember doing that at all. “Who is that? Where’d you find this?”
“It’s online on some no name website with a low ranking. It doesn’t seem like he’s used it yet. Are you sure you didn’t do this? I mean, I know you had other clients. You don’t have to spare me, Avery.”
I smack the back of his head. Sean winces and turns quickly before I can do it again. “No! I’m not a goddamn slut! I know who I slept with and I don’t know who that is. I haven’t had sex with anyone in this room, besides you.”
“I had to ask. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Sean makes a copy of the video and hits replay, watching the damn thing over and over again on mute.
I finally ask, “What are you doing?”
He doesn’t say anything for a while. When he turns around he says, “This is me. Someone edited it and put in a different guy.”
“How can you tell?” I look at the video over his shoulder.
“There are a few spots where he
Sean’s shoulders square and I know I won’t get an answer from him. I turn on my heel quickly and drag the curtain closed, before pressing my forehead to the wall. The tile is cold against my skin and the water disguises my tears. I don’t sob, but I can’t stop the rest. It feels wrong.
A moment later the curtain opens. Sean’s voice is soft. “It wasn’t you, Avery. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m—I fucked up.” I turn slowly, but avoid his eyes. My arms are wrapped around my middle as the water pounds over me. Sean continues, “Sometimes I can’t sort between the past and the present. I don’t want to hurt you, and the truth will hurt you more. I don’t want to say the rest. I mean, I don’t think I should.”
I lift my chin and meet his somber gaze. Shaking my head, I press him, urging, “Let me in.”
“Not this time, Avery.”
“You were somewhere else. I was someone else. If you say it, if you admit it, it’ll stop. Purge your soul, Sean. Just do it. Whatever I’m going to imagine is going to be worse than what you were thinking anyway.”
Sean just shakes his head and turns from me with his jaw locked tight. Whatever past he was reliving, it terrified him as much as it terrified me.
CHAPTER 12
The rest of the afternoon passes slowly. I try not to think about what happened, but the box is still in the room and it reminds me. I close the lid and shove it to Amber’s side of the room before laying on my bed. We’re waiting for death to come knocking. I wonder how mental I am that I don’t care. My life is so out of control, so completely messed up, that I welcome the knock. I won’t jump off a ledge or anything, but I hurt so much… I just want it to stop.
Sean doesn’t say much. He’s upset with himself, of that I’m certain. He’s on my computer, doing God knows what, when he finally asks me, “Were there more videos from the sexting client that weren’t deleted?”
My eyes cut across the room to the little desk, and I sit upright on my bed. “Yes. Why?”
Sean’s lips are pressed together. “Come see.”
“I don’t care.” I stay on my bed and lay back down. So what if another video of me is out there? That’s the least of my problems at the moment.
“I need to know if it’s a copy or if this was from a different time.” Sean’s voice is tense.
I push up and walk over to him before glancing past his shoulder at the screen. Sean presses play and I don’t know what I’m looking at. It’s very dark, too dark to make out faces, but I know it’s me. The floor of my stomach drops. “I didn’t record that.” As the video continues, I see me having sex with someone, but there’s no face—just a naked back. He’s in my room, on my bed, slamming his hips into mine. My hands fly to my mouth as I try not to scream because I don’t remember doing that at all. “Who is that? Where’d you find this?”
“It’s online on some no name website with a low ranking. It doesn’t seem like he’s used it yet. Are you sure you didn’t do this? I mean, I know you had other clients. You don’t have to spare me, Avery.”
I smack the back of his head. Sean winces and turns quickly before I can do it again. “No! I’m not a goddamn slut! I know who I slept with and I don’t know who that is. I haven’t had sex with anyone in this room, besides you.”
“I had to ask. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Sean makes a copy of the video and hits replay, watching the damn thing over and over again on mute.
I finally ask, “What are you doing?”
He doesn’t say anything for a while. When he turns around he says, “This is me. Someone edited it and put in a different guy.”
“How can you tell?” I look at the video over his shoulder.
“There are a few spots where he
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