about the day before yesterday as well. And... I have to be honest: I didn’t even think about moving my body away as he started. I didn’t even think about it. I am insane, right? Maybe I was just scared like Hell. Maybe a part of me... likes to be scared. I am most definitely crazy.
However White told me that I would find my iPod and my station in my room after my session tomorrow if he was satisfied... If he was satisfied. And that makes me feel sicker than thinking about my disturbed mind.
Tomorrow... I have to admit that I am slightly disappointed that it’s not today, but it’s the first time I actually know when I will meet him.
He is human.
I have to tell that to myself.
He is human.
Day 32
I have to admit that I was excited and looked forward to today. My schedule was the usual: Breakfast, later workout, and then Lunch. But after that nothing happened.
I just got Dinner: cheese and fruits and that’s it.
Maybe I was too excited? Maybe they want me being scared and not looking forward to meeting him? I don’t know. Would it make sense? Would they even care about the emotional state I am in? I mean, I should be scared, I know that. I shouldn’t want to see him again. But... I just feel like he doesn’t really want to hurt me and it did happen only because they want it to. Maybe they have a way to force him to beast-out like this. Or... do they want to test his composure? Was it my fault?
I wish I could talk to him. But what if I’m wrong and I just imagine him being human and in fact he isn’t? I mean what if he’s a sort of ape, but not human. I shouldn’t have thought that. I shouldn’t think any of this. Nothing explains why they didn’t come to take me.
Why do they have to leave me alone all by myself and to my thoughts?
I need more distraction than these four books I already know and the workout. Now, I can’t stop asking myself, questioning myself, tormenting myself, ending up being somewhat relieved that they haven’t taken me.
Hopefully I can sleep.
I wonder if they are watching me in my room and are able to read what I am writing because they came just when I wanted to hit the lights. I was back to totally freak out in silence. Maybe I am right about it: that they want me to be scared. Maybe I am also right about that they want to test his composure.
White wasn’t with them.
My heart was beating like crazy again and my thoughts ran in circles around me wishing to be at least able to see his face... and not to be kept me in the dark again. It was driving me insane, this question if he was human or not. And thinking of how disgusting it was, how sick it was, of me wanting to have him – or it – touching me again... the way he had the last time...
The only way I get physical contact is my guards grabbing and pushing me. At least till today.
I was shackled to the wall again, even though I had hoped for the bars. Although, I was wondering why I needed to be bound in the first place, and yet, somehow it was a relief that I didn’t have a choice.
Still, this was an excuse, to tell myself that I wasn’t really willing to do this. And my thoughts kept being occupied with that train of thought until I noticed that my guards hadn’t left after chaining me.
I remember the room being dead silent for a moment as I realized this, sensing how they stood there... until they started groping... just everywhere... through my clothes. I tried to evade them, but how, when my hands were shackled like that to the wall?
“Stop”, I shouted at them, feeling one hand between my legs, choking on my words just then.
It didn’t feel the same – crazy enough that my mind was able to state that.
I am so not into this in general.
“Oh come on”, one of them responded, his mouth being far too near to my right ear, breathing out the words with moist, warm air that rolled off my skin like a wave of disgusting ooze. “I thought you liked that, since you moaned like a whore, when he
However White told me that I would find my iPod and my station in my room after my session tomorrow if he was satisfied... If he was satisfied. And that makes me feel sicker than thinking about my disturbed mind.
Tomorrow... I have to admit that I am slightly disappointed that it’s not today, but it’s the first time I actually know when I will meet him.
He is human.
I have to tell that to myself.
He is human.
Day 32
I have to admit that I was excited and looked forward to today. My schedule was the usual: Breakfast, later workout, and then Lunch. But after that nothing happened.
I just got Dinner: cheese and fruits and that’s it.
Maybe I was too excited? Maybe they want me being scared and not looking forward to meeting him? I don’t know. Would it make sense? Would they even care about the emotional state I am in? I mean, I should be scared, I know that. I shouldn’t want to see him again. But... I just feel like he doesn’t really want to hurt me and it did happen only because they want it to. Maybe they have a way to force him to beast-out like this. Or... do they want to test his composure? Was it my fault?
I wish I could talk to him. But what if I’m wrong and I just imagine him being human and in fact he isn’t? I mean what if he’s a sort of ape, but not human. I shouldn’t have thought that. I shouldn’t think any of this. Nothing explains why they didn’t come to take me.
Why do they have to leave me alone all by myself and to my thoughts?
I need more distraction than these four books I already know and the workout. Now, I can’t stop asking myself, questioning myself, tormenting myself, ending up being somewhat relieved that they haven’t taken me.
Hopefully I can sleep.
I wonder if they are watching me in my room and are able to read what I am writing because they came just when I wanted to hit the lights. I was back to totally freak out in silence. Maybe I am right about it: that they want me to be scared. Maybe I am also right about that they want to test his composure.
White wasn’t with them.
My heart was beating like crazy again and my thoughts ran in circles around me wishing to be at least able to see his face... and not to be kept me in the dark again. It was driving me insane, this question if he was human or not. And thinking of how disgusting it was, how sick it was, of me wanting to have him – or it – touching me again... the way he had the last time...
The only way I get physical contact is my guards grabbing and pushing me. At least till today.
I was shackled to the wall again, even though I had hoped for the bars. Although, I was wondering why I needed to be bound in the first place, and yet, somehow it was a relief that I didn’t have a choice.
Still, this was an excuse, to tell myself that I wasn’t really willing to do this. And my thoughts kept being occupied with that train of thought until I noticed that my guards hadn’t left after chaining me.
I remember the room being dead silent for a moment as I realized this, sensing how they stood there... until they started groping... just everywhere... through my clothes. I tried to evade them, but how, when my hands were shackled like that to the wall?
“Stop”, I shouted at them, feeling one hand between my legs, choking on my words just then.
It didn’t feel the same – crazy enough that my mind was able to state that.
I am so not into this in general.
“Oh come on”, one of them responded, his mouth being far too near to my right ear, breathing out the words with moist, warm air that rolled off my skin like a wave of disgusting ooze. “I thought you liked that, since you moaned like a whore, when he
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