lips briefly touched my neck. I felt like I was burning without being burned.
Now I am wide awake in my bed, thinking of him, and – oh God, help me – wanting nothing more than to feel him. I am sick, so sick. This is insane.
Day 33
Are they punishing him? Or me?
White didn’t even show up. I probably shouldn’t think of him as a regular visitor. But everything, even this despicable... being, just makes a day different. Maybe I interpret too much into his absence, or him being around, or everything.
Reading doesn’t get my mind off anything right now. Not after yesterday. They make it far too easy to hate them and to... appreciate his – the beast’s – affection.
But hey, at least I got my iPod and my station, so it went well, right? As if this would be anything positive. Sure. Like this would mean a thing here.
I am still their prisoner, still their test subject, still ‘his’.
Why does this make me shudder in such a warm way?
I need to see him. I so desperately need to see him.
I can’t focus, I can’t read, and music barely helps. I just can imagine how he must feel. Is his day even like mine?
I don’t know! I don’t know anything about him, not even his name! Apart from that he can speak.
I know I already wrote this. But I swear he said ‘mine’, this wasn’t my imagination.
All I can think about is what happened, and how insanely angry he was. And still he didn’t hurt me.
Not like the last time.
And this almost made me smash my iPod against the wall, because that’s what it was about. Despite being so furious... he still didn’t maul me to shreds.
It was a positive development.
Thinking that he might be an ape... an ape has no freaking claws that are able to tear through layers of skin, which grow or retreat, or has non-hairy arms. An ape cannot stand up as straight that he can... do me like that. Apes cannot talk.
Day 34
Same: Breakfast, workout, shower, Lunch, music, and Dinner. I was asking myself if everyone outside there even misses me. It’s ridiculous that I am annoyed about it. They kidnapped me just to lock me away.
I am sure that he misses me. And I miss him, which annoys me even more. And then I wonder if he can say more than that. I mean, what if he is half human? I start asking myself WHAT he is apart from human. I want to see him, really see him, his eyes, and his face. Not only because I need to know what he really is. Or is this the only reason?
I want to talk to him. Or do I only need to know that he is mainly human? So that I can... be relieved about the fact that I am not disturbed? Because I feel... what do I feel exactly? I don’t know what to think, because I sure as hell don’t know what it is what I’m feeling.
Day 35
I am going mad.
Breakfast, workout, and Lunch.
I’m listening to music right now, trying to distract myself, but all I can think about is... him... and how much I... want him. I am sick. I am completely mad.
This is sick.
I just... want this to be a dream and wake up. I swear I will start talking to people, and try to make friends, and to get a boyfriend and become a normal, average, boring human being, like I thought I always was, and stop thinking about being WHATEVER by a... beast. I don’t know anything about him.
Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Because he is a prisoner just like me, because he’s the only one I can relate to here. Even though I am human and he is... partly not.
White has just been here, being all smug again, and congratulating me on the progress I had with the subject.
I wanted to know his name.
“If you want to call it something, just give it a name”, he answered to that.
“But he has to have one. Anything”, I responded. “It’s not like I will recognize him, right? Or go out and talk to anyone.”
He laughed at my words and looked quite amused.
“So when is my next session?” I wanted to know, since he didn’t want to give me an answer.
“Why?" was his reply,
Now I am wide awake in my bed, thinking of him, and – oh God, help me – wanting nothing more than to feel him. I am sick, so sick. This is insane.
Day 33
Are they punishing him? Or me?
White didn’t even show up. I probably shouldn’t think of him as a regular visitor. But everything, even this despicable... being, just makes a day different. Maybe I interpret too much into his absence, or him being around, or everything.
Reading doesn’t get my mind off anything right now. Not after yesterday. They make it far too easy to hate them and to... appreciate his – the beast’s – affection.
But hey, at least I got my iPod and my station, so it went well, right? As if this would be anything positive. Sure. Like this would mean a thing here.
I am still their prisoner, still their test subject, still ‘his’.
Why does this make me shudder in such a warm way?
I need to see him. I so desperately need to see him.
I can’t focus, I can’t read, and music barely helps. I just can imagine how he must feel. Is his day even like mine?
I don’t know! I don’t know anything about him, not even his name! Apart from that he can speak.
I know I already wrote this. But I swear he said ‘mine’, this wasn’t my imagination.
All I can think about is what happened, and how insanely angry he was. And still he didn’t hurt me.
Not like the last time.
And this almost made me smash my iPod against the wall, because that’s what it was about. Despite being so furious... he still didn’t maul me to shreds.
It was a positive development.
Thinking that he might be an ape... an ape has no freaking claws that are able to tear through layers of skin, which grow or retreat, or has non-hairy arms. An ape cannot stand up as straight that he can... do me like that. Apes cannot talk.
Day 34
Same: Breakfast, workout, shower, Lunch, music, and Dinner. I was asking myself if everyone outside there even misses me. It’s ridiculous that I am annoyed about it. They kidnapped me just to lock me away.
I am sure that he misses me. And I miss him, which annoys me even more. And then I wonder if he can say more than that. I mean, what if he is half human? I start asking myself WHAT he is apart from human. I want to see him, really see him, his eyes, and his face. Not only because I need to know what he really is. Or is this the only reason?
I want to talk to him. Or do I only need to know that he is mainly human? So that I can... be relieved about the fact that I am not disturbed? Because I feel... what do I feel exactly? I don’t know what to think, because I sure as hell don’t know what it is what I’m feeling.
Day 35
I am going mad.
Breakfast, workout, and Lunch.
I’m listening to music right now, trying to distract myself, but all I can think about is... him... and how much I... want him. I am sick. I am completely mad.
This is sick.
I just... want this to be a dream and wake up. I swear I will start talking to people, and try to make friends, and to get a boyfriend and become a normal, average, boring human being, like I thought I always was, and stop thinking about being WHATEVER by a... beast. I don’t know anything about him.
Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Because he is a prisoner just like me, because he’s the only one I can relate to here. Even though I am human and he is... partly not.
White has just been here, being all smug again, and congratulating me on the progress I had with the subject.
I wanted to know his name.
“If you want to call it something, just give it a name”, he answered to that.
“But he has to have one. Anything”, I responded. “It’s not like I will recognize him, right? Or go out and talk to anyone.”
He laughed at my words and looked quite amused.
“So when is my next session?” I wanted to know, since he didn’t want to give me an answer.
“Why?" was his reply,
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