Clementine, commenting on the dog but not sounding even slightly amused. Then, ‘They took away my place at music college.’
‘What?’ I stopped walking. So did she.
I wasn’t sure which question to ask first.
Since when did you have a place at music college? Which music college? Where? Why has it been taken away? Who are ‘they’?
But the question so desperately on the end of my tongue was,
Why didn’t you tell me?
When I was awarded my place at skate camp she was the first person I ran to with my letter. She was the one I wanted to celebrate with, jumping and squealing and dancing.
‘Fuck ’em,’ she said, still watching the dog. I think she might have cried if she’d had to look me in the eye. ‘I guess this is supposed to be a warning. But they can stick it up their arses.’
She began working her tongue over her teeth beneath a tight-shut mouth – fighting back the tears, but one escaped. She brushed it away quickly with the mittens she’d knitted herself the previous winter. ‘Probably would have been wall-to-wall fucking Wagner anyway. I’d have hated it. They’ve done me a favour.’ She pulled her scarf up over her chin, her hat down over her eyebrows.
‘I didn’t even know you had a place at music college,’ I said, trying not to sound wounded.
‘No?’ She turned to examine me for a moment. Then she gave a small shrug and a nod. ‘Well …’ she said.
We watched the dog perform a few more of its impossible leaps. The image in my mind: Clementine’s illegal music player, wrapped in plastic.
‘But I’m not the only one who is good at keeping secrets, am I?’ Clementine was smiling now. Her nose was screwed up, ready for mischief.
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s okay, silly,’ she said. ‘I’m really pleased for you.’ She came to stand in front of me, demanding that my attention be put onto her. She stroked the length of my arms with her mittened hands, as if she was ironing me back into shape, making me solid. My mind caught up. She knew. About Jay Acker. She knew.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Good.’
‘You should know by now I don’t think like everyone else.’
I was confused. ‘But you do,’ I said. ‘You do think like everyone else. You’re as excited as the rest of them.’
Her turn to look confused. ‘What?’
‘I mean, about the concert,’ I went on. ‘I didn’t want you to feel bad that I was … Or annoyed that I was …’
She was shaking her head now. ‘No, no, no, no, no!’ She gripped the top of my arms, gave them a squeeze. ‘I was talking about GG,’ she said.
‘About GG?’
‘Jess,’ she all but boomed, still hanging onto my arms – arms that had gone limp, turned to jelly. ‘No one’s listening! We’re in the middle of a field!’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said, hushed, instinctively looking around to see if anyone was actually in earshot.
Clementine brought her face very close to mine, lining up our eyes. The ends of our noses were almost touching. Her breath was warm and sweet. ‘You don’t need to sweep everything under the carpet with me.’ She spoke very carefully and very deliberately. ‘Because I don’t believe that’s the right thing to do.’
I nodded slowly, only because I thought that if I pretended to understand then this conversation might be over. Because I didn’t understand. How could I, when I didn’t have a word for it. You have those words – words that are good. Though you shouldn’t congratulate yourselves too much, because I know you have the bad ones as well.
Then the weirdest thing happened, after keeping me at arm’s length for all this time, Clementine pulled me tight and kissed me on the cheek.
FEBRUARY 2013
One evening, Fisher asked me to stay behind after the HJ and BDM meeting. His singling me out came as no surprise. I had begun to suspect he valued my skills and intellect above those of the other girls in the Mädelschaft. My bowline knots were continually given the highest
‘What?’ I stopped walking. So did she.
I wasn’t sure which question to ask first.
Since when did you have a place at music college? Which music college? Where? Why has it been taken away? Who are ‘they’?
But the question so desperately on the end of my tongue was,
Why didn’t you tell me?
When I was awarded my place at skate camp she was the first person I ran to with my letter. She was the one I wanted to celebrate with, jumping and squealing and dancing.
‘Fuck ’em,’ she said, still watching the dog. I think she might have cried if she’d had to look me in the eye. ‘I guess this is supposed to be a warning. But they can stick it up their arses.’
She began working her tongue over her teeth beneath a tight-shut mouth – fighting back the tears, but one escaped. She brushed it away quickly with the mittens she’d knitted herself the previous winter. ‘Probably would have been wall-to-wall fucking Wagner anyway. I’d have hated it. They’ve done me a favour.’ She pulled her scarf up over her chin, her hat down over her eyebrows.
‘I didn’t even know you had a place at music college,’ I said, trying not to sound wounded.
‘No?’ She turned to examine me for a moment. Then she gave a small shrug and a nod. ‘Well …’ she said.
We watched the dog perform a few more of its impossible leaps. The image in my mind: Clementine’s illegal music player, wrapped in plastic.
‘But I’m not the only one who is good at keeping secrets, am I?’ Clementine was smiling now. Her nose was screwed up, ready for mischief.
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s okay, silly,’ she said. ‘I’m really pleased for you.’ She came to stand in front of me, demanding that my attention be put onto her. She stroked the length of my arms with her mittened hands, as if she was ironing me back into shape, making me solid. My mind caught up. She knew. About Jay Acker. She knew.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Good.’
‘You should know by now I don’t think like everyone else.’
I was confused. ‘But you do,’ I said. ‘You do think like everyone else. You’re as excited as the rest of them.’
Her turn to look confused. ‘What?’
‘I mean, about the concert,’ I went on. ‘I didn’t want you to feel bad that I was … Or annoyed that I was …’
She was shaking her head now. ‘No, no, no, no, no!’ She gripped the top of my arms, gave them a squeeze. ‘I was talking about GG,’ she said.
‘About GG?’
‘Jess,’ she all but boomed, still hanging onto my arms – arms that had gone limp, turned to jelly. ‘No one’s listening! We’re in the middle of a field!’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said, hushed, instinctively looking around to see if anyone was actually in earshot.
Clementine brought her face very close to mine, lining up our eyes. The ends of our noses were almost touching. Her breath was warm and sweet. ‘You don’t need to sweep everything under the carpet with me.’ She spoke very carefully and very deliberately. ‘Because I don’t believe that’s the right thing to do.’
I nodded slowly, only because I thought that if I pretended to understand then this conversation might be over. Because I didn’t understand. How could I, when I didn’t have a word for it. You have those words – words that are good. Though you shouldn’t congratulate yourselves too much, because I know you have the bad ones as well.
Then the weirdest thing happened, after keeping me at arm’s length for all this time, Clementine pulled me tight and kissed me on the cheek.
FEBRUARY 2013
One evening, Fisher asked me to stay behind after the HJ and BDM meeting. His singling me out came as no surprise. I had begun to suspect he valued my skills and intellect above those of the other girls in the Mädelschaft. My bowline knots were continually given the highest
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