something in you that isn’t pretty. It’s hard, and not worthy of you.”
“ ‘Hard’! I’m hard? That’s a queer thing to say about me, of all people.”
“No. You’re doing wrong, Amanda. And in the long run, you’ll destroy yourself.”
“Not if my lawyer proves capable.”
“I’m talking about morals. It’s morally wrong, and if you don’t see it now, you will see it someday. You have been fairly treated, I have to tell you so. You have no grounds for a lawsuit, none at all.”
“Then you won’t take the case?”
His expression was very stern now, too stern. “No, I won’t take the case.”
“That’s what you call ‘helping’ me?”
“It really is helping you if you think about it.”
“I am thinking about it. You could take it even without agreeing with me, couldn’t you? Lawyers make their living that way, don’t they? I’m sure you’ve argued on behalf of people who you know are guilty. And I’m not guilty of anything.”
“That’s a silly argument. I’m only advising you not to do something you’ll regret. You can be very stubborn, Amanda.”
“Because I don’t want to take your advice, I’m stubborn. Because I’m a woman.”
“When you get this ‘woman’ chip on your shoulder, it’s ridiculous. This lawsuit that you want to file has nothing to do with what sex you are.”
He had an expression, a tightening of the lips and a lowering of the eyelids, that was quite unfamiliar. She thought at once, he doesn’t
like
me. Everything had gone bad. The symptoms had been there all day. They had been sliding downhill, the two of them, and while seeing the inevitable wreck at the bottom, had been unable to stop. And in some crazy way unwilling to stop?
Now it was necessary to be totally honest, to know where they were.
“No,” she said, “I think, I think it has very much to do with sex in the literal sense.”
“You’re far too intelligent to believe that’s all it is. It’s far, far deeper and I am terribly, terribly confused.”
There was such a pain in her chest, a real pain that was almost taking her breath.
“I think it’s because I didn’t feel like making love just now. That’s why you’re angry, Todd.”
He looked away at the Bonnard on the wall, at the uncomplicated countryside under the empty sky.
“Yes, I suppose you could say it was symbolic.It has been rather difficult for us lately, hasn’t it? Because you have to admit that, haven’t you?”
They were almost there now, at the wreck at the bottom of the hill. Yet, she would not, could not admit it before him. And she said bitterly, “I guess there’s nothing more for us to talk about, is there?”
“If you would only unlock the lovely woman who’s locked up inside you, there would be. Can’t you try, Amanda?”
His hand was on his briefcase, which lay on the chest by the door. Yes, she thought, he is waiting for some “feminine” response, for some sweet submission, for a request to leave or a plea to stay. If only she were able to put her arms out, to cry
Please, please, don’t leave me, I love you.
But that would be loss of autonomy and loss of all pride. It was what men expected of you.…
And besides, very probably after all this, he did not really want to stay. No use, she thought; when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no sense in prolonging the agony.
And he answered her silence. “Thank you for dinner.”
“You’re welcome.”
At the door, he turned back, and with an expression that was half reproving and half pleading, said very gently, “Take care of yourself, Amanda. Don’t waste yourself.” The door closed quietly.
The first thing I ever asked of him, she thought, and the answer was
no.
He wanted to control her.As soon as he saw that she wouldn’t be controlled, he bowed out.
When the first wave of wrenching sobs was past, it was already dark. She had no idea of the time, just sat quite still by the window.
She had lost him. It was as sure as sure
“ ‘Hard’! I’m hard? That’s a queer thing to say about me, of all people.”
“No. You’re doing wrong, Amanda. And in the long run, you’ll destroy yourself.”
“Not if my lawyer proves capable.”
“I’m talking about morals. It’s morally wrong, and if you don’t see it now, you will see it someday. You have been fairly treated, I have to tell you so. You have no grounds for a lawsuit, none at all.”
“Then you won’t take the case?”
His expression was very stern now, too stern. “No, I won’t take the case.”
“That’s what you call ‘helping’ me?”
“It really is helping you if you think about it.”
“I am thinking about it. You could take it even without agreeing with me, couldn’t you? Lawyers make their living that way, don’t they? I’m sure you’ve argued on behalf of people who you know are guilty. And I’m not guilty of anything.”
“That’s a silly argument. I’m only advising you not to do something you’ll regret. You can be very stubborn, Amanda.”
“Because I don’t want to take your advice, I’m stubborn. Because I’m a woman.”
“When you get this ‘woman’ chip on your shoulder, it’s ridiculous. This lawsuit that you want to file has nothing to do with what sex you are.”
He had an expression, a tightening of the lips and a lowering of the eyelids, that was quite unfamiliar. She thought at once, he doesn’t
like
me. Everything had gone bad. The symptoms had been there all day. They had been sliding downhill, the two of them, and while seeing the inevitable wreck at the bottom, had been unable to stop. And in some crazy way unwilling to stop?
Now it was necessary to be totally honest, to know where they were.
“No,” she said, “I think, I think it has very much to do with sex in the literal sense.”
“You’re far too intelligent to believe that’s all it is. It’s far, far deeper and I am terribly, terribly confused.”
There was such a pain in her chest, a real pain that was almost taking her breath.
“I think it’s because I didn’t feel like making love just now. That’s why you’re angry, Todd.”
He looked away at the Bonnard on the wall, at the uncomplicated countryside under the empty sky.
“Yes, I suppose you could say it was symbolic.It has been rather difficult for us lately, hasn’t it? Because you have to admit that, haven’t you?”
They were almost there now, at the wreck at the bottom of the hill. Yet, she would not, could not admit it before him. And she said bitterly, “I guess there’s nothing more for us to talk about, is there?”
“If you would only unlock the lovely woman who’s locked up inside you, there would be. Can’t you try, Amanda?”
His hand was on his briefcase, which lay on the chest by the door. Yes, she thought, he is waiting for some “feminine” response, for some sweet submission, for a request to leave or a plea to stay. If only she were able to put her arms out, to cry
Please, please, don’t leave me, I love you.
But that would be loss of autonomy and loss of all pride. It was what men expected of you.…
And besides, very probably after all this, he did not really want to stay. No use, she thought; when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no sense in prolonging the agony.
And he answered her silence. “Thank you for dinner.”
“You’re welcome.”
At the door, he turned back, and with an expression that was half reproving and half pleading, said very gently, “Take care of yourself, Amanda. Don’t waste yourself.” The door closed quietly.
The first thing I ever asked of him, she thought, and the answer was
no.
He wanted to control her.As soon as he saw that she wouldn’t be controlled, he bowed out.
When the first wave of wrenching sobs was past, it was already dark. She had no idea of the time, just sat quite still by the window.
She had lost him. It was as sure as sure
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