The Defective Detective : Cat Chaser by Adam Maxwell

Erin.
    “Well, partly because it seemed, geographically speaking, to be in a good position to pull something like this off and partly because I think it’s time we got young Raymond back in the game.”
    “Young Raymond?” Erin whined.
    “Sarcasm, my dear. Ask me when this is all over and I’ll explain it to you,” I grimaced at her and she huffed back. “Jacob, my good man, can I ask what you’re up to over there?”
    “Erm, yes,” he replied. “I just assumed whatever crackpot idea you were going to suggest was going to involve someone leaving this reasonably safe room and so I thought we could maybe use these instead of the Tannoy.”
    He placed two walkie-talkies on the desk in front of the monitors.
    “Radios the security guards use,” he nodded. “Could be useful.”
    “I should say so,” I laughed. “So now all we need to do is go down to the food hall and grab as much raw meat as we can get our hands on. Lori, I think you should stay here and Jacob, you keep one eye on her and the other on those monitors. Erin, you’re with me.”
    “I most certainly am not,” she barked.
    “You can carry the walkie talkie.”
    She grabbed it from the desk and stomped towards the door.
    I flashed Lori and Jacob a smile and went after her. The radio almost instantly burped static at us then Jacob’s voice came through. As we moved quickly away from the office the sound of his real voice receded into the distance as his broadcast self remained.
    “I can’t see it at the moment so keep your eyes open,” he said. “But it’s not in the corridor to the lift. What?”
    Static bubbled from the radio.
    “Lori says she can’t see it in the food hall yet either, we’ll keep you posted once we locate it.”
    “Over and out!” Erin shouted into the receiver as she stomped into the open doors of the lift and pressed one of the buttons. The doors started to close and I put my hand between them. The doors beeped and re-opened, I stepped into the lift and Erin stabbed at the ‘G’ button.
    “So, Mr Detective,” Erin began once the lift doors closed again. “Whodunnit? You seem to be doing a lot more sleeping than detecting. Well, that and running away.”
    “Apparently you did it because you asked me who did it rather than whatthey did.”
    “I’m not an idiot,” she said. “You want to catch the tiger so you must be investigating who stole it or something like that.”
    “Close enough,” I replied. “There’s a bit more to it than that but yes, in a nutshell that’ll be about the size of it. And as for whodunnit… ”
    “Yes?” her eyes lit up at the thought of the gossip.
    “It could be any one of you.”
    “Oh, yes?”
    “Well, let’s take you, for example.”
    Erin huffed and pursed her lips.
    “I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I’ve witnessed enough to assume that you could conceivably be the brains behind the operation. You are conniving, manipulative, bossy and you love to be in charge but above all that you are intelligent. I think it’s entirely possible you orchestrated the whole affair, that you are this elusive Ms Pingoveno.”
    “Erm. Thanks, I think,” Erin stepped out of the lift onto the ground floor. She raised the walkie talkie to her face. “Are we safe down here?”
    “Still no sign of it,” Lori’s voice spat nervously. “Be careful.”
    “Of course the same could be said of Lori. And she is, arguably, even more intelligent.”
    “What?”
    “Of course if it was either of you I would assume you had an accomplice. Not being sexist, you understand. Just the evidence as it presents itself. If Lori wasn’t just blundering around looking for her laptop and she was up to something then she certainly didn’t know how to handle the tiger, did she?”
    “No, I suppose not,” Erin’s brow creased, the wrinkles drawing together to form a furrow. “Trolleys. Grab one and we’ll fill it. Have you got a pound?”
    “Eh? Oh, I see,” my hand went into my