Ken, I have a pretty high tolerance for shame.
K HOOK: Dogs beg, my friend. Dogs beg and puppies whine.
B HASSE: Are you smiling? I can’t tell if this is a smile, or what this is.
K HOOK: You’ll see. We’ll work something out.
B HASSE: This picture, now what could possibly be so terrible that I would actually make such an arrangement?
K HOOK: Imagine the purest essence of evil...
B HASSE: Yes?
K HOOK: Okay, now imagine it’s a full-color snapshot and I’ve got it in my coat pocket.
B HASSE: Again, the smile. Your facial expressions, you should walk around with a stack of subtitles pinned to your chest.
KAY TREE: You! Don’t move.
B HASSE: Oh, hello! Ken...we’ll resume, you and I?
K HOOK: Your eldest grandchild, his genitals dipped in bronze, this is my payment.
B HASSE: I’m just trying to reach my daughter.
K TREE: You’ve got a bug on the back of your shirt.
B HASSE: Well, wipe it off. What kind is it?
K TREE: I have no idea. It’s blue—looks tropical.
B HASSE: I think I felt something.
K TREE: Those were my hands, my fingers. I’m running my hands up and down your body.
B HASSE: Look out for the
cake!
K TREE: Why don’t you—
MADONNA HASSE: Daddy, I’m cold.
B HASSE: Look, I’m sorry, I just need to pass some information on to my daughter.
K TREE: Oh, there—now he goes. Goodbye.
B HASSE: Donna, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.
M’D HASSE: Can’t I at least throw on a kimono or something?
B HASSE: You’ll be fine, everyone here loves you.
M’D HASSE: But I don’t understand why I can’t cover myself properly. These men, these old men, they’re lurking around, staring down my top, it makes me sick.
B HASSE: They’re just expressing their warm feelings of fatherly affection for you. Now, please... just be quiet and get with the program, won’t you, darling? This young man, I think you’ll like him.
M’D HASSE: Which one is he?
B HASSE: He’s right there, standing on the back deck, next to the French doors.
M’D HASSE: The “Scenes of Edo”?
B HASSE: No, no, the Frank Lloyd Wright.
M’D HASSE: Oh, yes.
B HASSE: Very handsome.
M’D HASSE: He’s okay.
B HASSE: His name is Derek Stiessen. Twenty-five years old, just graduated from Midwestern University. I’m very impressed with his credentials. He’s a smart guy.
M’D HASSE: What does he do?
B HASSE: He’s a writer, darling. He writes, ummm... pop psychology, that sort of thing.
M’D HASSE: And people buy his books?
B HASSE: They will if I have anything to do with it.
M’D HASSE: If you have anything to do with it?
K HOOK: I’m still here, Bart.
B HASSE: I’ll be right with you, Ken. Give me thirty seconds.
M’D HASSE: Daddy, what are you talking about?
B HASSE: Look, never mind. Just be nice to him. He’s a perfectly decent young guy. He’s been going through some tough times lately. Father just died. They were very close. And then his mother. Committed suicide, apparently.
M’D HASSE: Oh dear.
B HASSE: Anyway, he’s new to town and I figure he needs some friends, what’s wrong with that?
M’D HASSE: Fine, okay. How’re my lips?
B HASSE: What’s that?
M’D HASSE: My lipstick.
B HASSE: It’s a hideous color but we’ll just have to live with it.
M’D HASSE: Daddy!
B HASSE: Ah, Derek, hello, I see you’ve managed to find that drink.
D STIESSEN: Yes, sir, no problems.
B HASSE: Yes, well, hello, wonderful. Oh! This is my daughter, Donna Hasse. Donna, Derek Stiessen.
M’D HASSE: Hi.
D STIESSEN: Very pleased to meet you.
B HASSE: Donna’s, umm, she’s been staying with us for the time being, just kind of doing her thing. Well, I don’t need to speak for her, I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it. Look, kids, I’ve got some business to attend to, so why don’t you two mingle and I’ll be back shortly. Oh, and Derek, don’t leave without seeing me first.
D STIESSEN: About the—
B HASSE: Tomorrow.
K HOOK: Bart.
D STIESSEN: Yeah, okay.
K HOOK: You
K HOOK: Dogs beg, my friend. Dogs beg and puppies whine.
B HASSE: Are you smiling? I can’t tell if this is a smile, or what this is.
K HOOK: You’ll see. We’ll work something out.
B HASSE: This picture, now what could possibly be so terrible that I would actually make such an arrangement?
K HOOK: Imagine the purest essence of evil...
B HASSE: Yes?
K HOOK: Okay, now imagine it’s a full-color snapshot and I’ve got it in my coat pocket.
B HASSE: Again, the smile. Your facial expressions, you should walk around with a stack of subtitles pinned to your chest.
KAY TREE: You! Don’t move.
B HASSE: Oh, hello! Ken...we’ll resume, you and I?
K HOOK: Your eldest grandchild, his genitals dipped in bronze, this is my payment.
B HASSE: I’m just trying to reach my daughter.
K TREE: You’ve got a bug on the back of your shirt.
B HASSE: Well, wipe it off. What kind is it?
K TREE: I have no idea. It’s blue—looks tropical.
B HASSE: I think I felt something.
K TREE: Those were my hands, my fingers. I’m running my hands up and down your body.
B HASSE: Look out for the
cake!
K TREE: Why don’t you—
MADONNA HASSE: Daddy, I’m cold.
B HASSE: Look, I’m sorry, I just need to pass some information on to my daughter.
K TREE: Oh, there—now he goes. Goodbye.
B HASSE: Donna, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.
M’D HASSE: Can’t I at least throw on a kimono or something?
B HASSE: You’ll be fine, everyone here loves you.
M’D HASSE: But I don’t understand why I can’t cover myself properly. These men, these old men, they’re lurking around, staring down my top, it makes me sick.
B HASSE: They’re just expressing their warm feelings of fatherly affection for you. Now, please... just be quiet and get with the program, won’t you, darling? This young man, I think you’ll like him.
M’D HASSE: Which one is he?
B HASSE: He’s right there, standing on the back deck, next to the French doors.
M’D HASSE: The “Scenes of Edo”?
B HASSE: No, no, the Frank Lloyd Wright.
M’D HASSE: Oh, yes.
B HASSE: Very handsome.
M’D HASSE: He’s okay.
B HASSE: His name is Derek Stiessen. Twenty-five years old, just graduated from Midwestern University. I’m very impressed with his credentials. He’s a smart guy.
M’D HASSE: What does he do?
B HASSE: He’s a writer, darling. He writes, ummm... pop psychology, that sort of thing.
M’D HASSE: And people buy his books?
B HASSE: They will if I have anything to do with it.
M’D HASSE: If you have anything to do with it?
K HOOK: I’m still here, Bart.
B HASSE: I’ll be right with you, Ken. Give me thirty seconds.
M’D HASSE: Daddy, what are you talking about?
B HASSE: Look, never mind. Just be nice to him. He’s a perfectly decent young guy. He’s been going through some tough times lately. Father just died. They were very close. And then his mother. Committed suicide, apparently.
M’D HASSE: Oh dear.
B HASSE: Anyway, he’s new to town and I figure he needs some friends, what’s wrong with that?
M’D HASSE: Fine, okay. How’re my lips?
B HASSE: What’s that?
M’D HASSE: My lipstick.
B HASSE: It’s a hideous color but we’ll just have to live with it.
M’D HASSE: Daddy!
B HASSE: Ah, Derek, hello, I see you’ve managed to find that drink.
D STIESSEN: Yes, sir, no problems.
B HASSE: Yes, well, hello, wonderful. Oh! This is my daughter, Donna Hasse. Donna, Derek Stiessen.
M’D HASSE: Hi.
D STIESSEN: Very pleased to meet you.
B HASSE: Donna’s, umm, she’s been staying with us for the time being, just kind of doing her thing. Well, I don’t need to speak for her, I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it. Look, kids, I’ve got some business to attend to, so why don’t you two mingle and I’ll be back shortly. Oh, and Derek, don’t leave without seeing me first.
D STIESSEN: About the—
B HASSE: Tomorrow.
K HOOK: Bart.
D STIESSEN: Yeah, okay.
K HOOK: You
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