Odyssey
? “Yeah, I’d like to make reservations for dinner tonight, there’s four of us, and the name is El-len.”
Phones have gone through such an evolution. Now we have this wireless technology that lets us talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime. Think about how far phones have come. You’ll remember there was a time when there was one phone in the house, when cord was just being invented. There was a shortage of cord back then. Maybe you had a foot or two from the wall to the phone. Back then, when you said you were on the phone, you were
on the phone
.
Then the kitchen wall phone came along, usually a lovely mustard or an avocado green. It had a ninety-foot-long cord that allowed you to walk all around the house, clearing tables, wrapping around dogs, so that by the time you hung up the phone, it had become this tangled wire of cord confusion. But what was fun about it was that every once in a while you would hold the phone upside down by the cord and let that thing spin and spin, around and around, till it found its center. Good times.
One surefire sign that things are going the wrong way? Now we have the hands-free phone so you can concentrate on the thing you’re really supposed to be doing. My thought is this: Chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
penny-pinching for todays gal
or
How to Land a Man
The following is an article I was contracted to write for a major women’s magazine several years ago. They thought I would be a good person to write a “helpful hints” type of column. For some reason, the magazine put a stop payment on my check after I turned in my first draft, and it was never printed. Just goes to show, some people aren’t ready for true innovation!
Hey, ladies, have you ever found yourself at a financial low, with no dough but someplace to go? Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need money to make it happen; you just need a little creativity and a lot of spunk!
I’ve compiled the tricks and tips that I’ve used over the years to get past my empty wallet and get down to business—or even better, pleasure!
(Warning: The following tips were concocted and used in a time of crisis and may be dangerous to your health and/or pride.)
LOOKIN’ GOOD
The key to having confidence about your appearance is all in the details.
Take your nails. Nothing builds self-esteem like a beautiful set of nails. Haven’t had a manicure in a while or ever? Do it yourself by opening your car door and dragging your nails along the pavement whenever you slow down for a stop sign. Why spend money on emery boards when you can save dollars a year my way?
For a dramatic gray eye shadow and lash darkener use the ink that got all over your hands from that newspaper you found on the bus.
Haircuts are easy and fun, even for one! Especially with today’s messy, just-out-of-bed styles, there’s really no way to lose. If you can find a pair of scissors, you’re in luck. All you have to do is bend over at the waist, grab the bottom part of whatever hair is in front of your face, and chop away. When you stand back up, not only will you have brand-new layers and no more split ends, but you’ll also get a wicked head rush. Put the scissors down and enjoy.
If you can’t find a pair of scissors, then a bread knife, an old razor blade, or a lighter are some options to consider. All these tools should be used with extra care, so drinking is absolutely not allowed while self-styling. Of course, when you’re finished, it will probably be necessary.
If anyone criticizes you or says your new ‘do looks bad, don’t hesitate to inform them you just got back from Paris. Maybe it’s lying, but what more do rude people deserve? Not the truth, that’s for sure.
Speaking of which, one man’s uneaten strawberry from the side of his daiquiri glass is another woman’s free lipstick and blush. It’s nature’s perfect cosmetic. Just keep in mind, it’s very
? “Yeah, I’d like to make reservations for dinner tonight, there’s four of us, and the name is El-len.”
Phones have gone through such an evolution. Now we have this wireless technology that lets us talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime. Think about how far phones have come. You’ll remember there was a time when there was one phone in the house, when cord was just being invented. There was a shortage of cord back then. Maybe you had a foot or two from the wall to the phone. Back then, when you said you were on the phone, you were
on the phone
.
Then the kitchen wall phone came along, usually a lovely mustard or an avocado green. It had a ninety-foot-long cord that allowed you to walk all around the house, clearing tables, wrapping around dogs, so that by the time you hung up the phone, it had become this tangled wire of cord confusion. But what was fun about it was that every once in a while you would hold the phone upside down by the cord and let that thing spin and spin, around and around, till it found its center. Good times.
One surefire sign that things are going the wrong way? Now we have the hands-free phone so you can concentrate on the thing you’re really supposed to be doing. My thought is this: Chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
penny-pinching for todays gal
or
How to Land a Man
The following is an article I was contracted to write for a major women’s magazine several years ago. They thought I would be a good person to write a “helpful hints” type of column. For some reason, the magazine put a stop payment on my check after I turned in my first draft, and it was never printed. Just goes to show, some people aren’t ready for true innovation!
Hey, ladies, have you ever found yourself at a financial low, with no dough but someplace to go? Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need money to make it happen; you just need a little creativity and a lot of spunk!
I’ve compiled the tricks and tips that I’ve used over the years to get past my empty wallet and get down to business—or even better, pleasure!
(Warning: The following tips were concocted and used in a time of crisis and may be dangerous to your health and/or pride.)
LOOKIN’ GOOD
The key to having confidence about your appearance is all in the details.
Take your nails. Nothing builds self-esteem like a beautiful set of nails. Haven’t had a manicure in a while or ever? Do it yourself by opening your car door and dragging your nails along the pavement whenever you slow down for a stop sign. Why spend money on emery boards when you can save dollars a year my way?
For a dramatic gray eye shadow and lash darkener use the ink that got all over your hands from that newspaper you found on the bus.
Haircuts are easy and fun, even for one! Especially with today’s messy, just-out-of-bed styles, there’s really no way to lose. If you can find a pair of scissors, you’re in luck. All you have to do is bend over at the waist, grab the bottom part of whatever hair is in front of your face, and chop away. When you stand back up, not only will you have brand-new layers and no more split ends, but you’ll also get a wicked head rush. Put the scissors down and enjoy.
If you can’t find a pair of scissors, then a bread knife, an old razor blade, or a lighter are some options to consider. All these tools should be used with extra care, so drinking is absolutely not allowed while self-styling. Of course, when you’re finished, it will probably be necessary.
If anyone criticizes you or says your new ‘do looks bad, don’t hesitate to inform them you just got back from Paris. Maybe it’s lying, but what more do rude people deserve? Not the truth, that’s for sure.
Speaking of which, one man’s uneaten strawberry from the side of his daiquiri glass is another woman’s free lipstick and blush. It’s nature’s perfect cosmetic. Just keep in mind, it’s very
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