sticky and you have to beware of bees, so apply it on a night you plan to stay indoors to reduce the risk of being swarmed. I made the mistake once of applying my “berry glow” in a 7-Eleven parking lot. One minute I was a beautiful strawberry juice princess, staring at my reflection in the rearview mirror, adding up how much I’d save by using fruit as make up every day for a year ($123.93) and the next minute, my head was covered in bees! Isn’t Mother Nature a fickle, stinging prankster? That’s why my personal motto is: “When life gives you lemons, use the juice to bleach your moustache.”
FOOD IS RELATIVE
Everyone knows you can make a delicious meal by going to a restaurant, ordering a bowl of hot water and squirting packets of ketchup into it, thereby creating your own version of tomato soup. This is called “The Hobo’s Delight,” and there’s no shame in enjoying it at even the finest eating establishments. Keep in mind, it’s fat-free and ready-to-make!
Now, here’s a modern spin on that classic 1950s recipe: Go to a high-class dining establishment of your choice. You may have noticed that people who eat at these places rarely finish what they order and almost never do if they find a bug or fly in their food. Take advantage of this tendency by going to your local novelty store, buying a plastic insect (you can get them real cheap if it’s not close to Halloween), and placing it in their food so that they leave it untouched for you to swoop in on when they’ve stormed off in a huff. All you have to do is divert their attention before they start eating, maybe by saying, “Hey, is that a million-dollar bill on the ground by your foot?” They’ll bend down because they’re greedy and when they do, throw your plastic fly or spider or iguana or rubber garden snake or plastic flamingo or fake parrot or even a real parrot onto their plate. A real parrot would be the best because they’re so loud and brightly colored, they’re sure to offend anyone, but then again, you’d need a well-trained parrot and those parrot lessons can be very expensive, unless you know where to go. Luckily, I do, but that will have to wait until my next column. Anyway, no matter what pest you choose, you’ll end up with a delicious entree.
Bon appetit
!
And don’t forget: You have the right to beverages! A lot of people don’t know this, but in some states, you don’t have to pay for your soft drinks if you tell the bartender you are your group’s designated driver. This may be a problem, as you must have a “group” to drive in order to take advantage of this brilliant piece of legislation.
Keep in mind, most drunk people are relatively friendly, so sidle up to a couple of strangers talking at the bar, make sure the bartender can see you, wait until someone makes a joke, laugh as loud as you can, and then immediately order a Dr Pepper. It also wouldn’t hurt to be constantly jangling your keys and saying things aloud like, “Yeah, suck ‘em up, you guys. I’ve totally got this situation covered.” Maybe for effect, slap one of the drinkers on the back in a friendly way, but get ready to run if they happen to notice.
HOME SWEET CAR
You can park overnight for free at a gas station by putting a note under your wiper that says you broke down and have gone for help. Usually, people break down and walk to a gas station, so this reversal of logic will baffle and bemuse the attendants. Be sure to tape newspaper up in your back windows so the attendants don’t catch on that you’re “camping out” in their “gasoline forest.”
In the morning, wash your hair with hand soap and dry it with the hand dryer in the “patrons only” bathroom. If an employee confronts you and accuses you of not being a patron, refer him to your American flag bumper sticker and tell him that the flag is proof that no one is more patriotic than you. Immediately begin a rousing chorus of “This Land Is Your Land” and sneak away
FOOD IS RELATIVE
Everyone knows you can make a delicious meal by going to a restaurant, ordering a bowl of hot water and squirting packets of ketchup into it, thereby creating your own version of tomato soup. This is called “The Hobo’s Delight,” and there’s no shame in enjoying it at even the finest eating establishments. Keep in mind, it’s fat-free and ready-to-make!
Now, here’s a modern spin on that classic 1950s recipe: Go to a high-class dining establishment of your choice. You may have noticed that people who eat at these places rarely finish what they order and almost never do if they find a bug or fly in their food. Take advantage of this tendency by going to your local novelty store, buying a plastic insect (you can get them real cheap if it’s not close to Halloween), and placing it in their food so that they leave it untouched for you to swoop in on when they’ve stormed off in a huff. All you have to do is divert their attention before they start eating, maybe by saying, “Hey, is that a million-dollar bill on the ground by your foot?” They’ll bend down because they’re greedy and when they do, throw your plastic fly or spider or iguana or rubber garden snake or plastic flamingo or fake parrot or even a real parrot onto their plate. A real parrot would be the best because they’re so loud and brightly colored, they’re sure to offend anyone, but then again, you’d need a well-trained parrot and those parrot lessons can be very expensive, unless you know where to go. Luckily, I do, but that will have to wait until my next column. Anyway, no matter what pest you choose, you’ll end up with a delicious entree.
Bon appetit
!
And don’t forget: You have the right to beverages! A lot of people don’t know this, but in some states, you don’t have to pay for your soft drinks if you tell the bartender you are your group’s designated driver. This may be a problem, as you must have a “group” to drive in order to take advantage of this brilliant piece of legislation.
Keep in mind, most drunk people are relatively friendly, so sidle up to a couple of strangers talking at the bar, make sure the bartender can see you, wait until someone makes a joke, laugh as loud as you can, and then immediately order a Dr Pepper. It also wouldn’t hurt to be constantly jangling your keys and saying things aloud like, “Yeah, suck ‘em up, you guys. I’ve totally got this situation covered.” Maybe for effect, slap one of the drinkers on the back in a friendly way, but get ready to run if they happen to notice.
HOME SWEET CAR
You can park overnight for free at a gas station by putting a note under your wiper that says you broke down and have gone for help. Usually, people break down and walk to a gas station, so this reversal of logic will baffle and bemuse the attendants. Be sure to tape newspaper up in your back windows so the attendants don’t catch on that you’re “camping out” in their “gasoline forest.”
In the morning, wash your hair with hand soap and dry it with the hand dryer in the “patrons only” bathroom. If an employee confronts you and accuses you of not being a patron, refer him to your American flag bumper sticker and tell him that the flag is proof that no one is more patriotic than you. Immediately begin a rousing chorus of “This Land Is Your Land” and sneak away
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