You’re still sitting down and suddenly it just flushes. “How
dare
you! I’ll decide when I’m done!” And then other times it won’t go off when you want it to. You stand up and stare at the toilet. Sometimes you have to fake it out. You sit back down … stand up! Sit down … stand up! Then you try tiptoeing away as if you’re leaving. Nothing works.
Then, when you go to wash your hands, you don’t have any control of that either. The faucet has to see your hands first so it can decide how much water it’s going to give you. It gives out only a certain amount of water. You don’t know how much you’re getting, so you’re like a little raccoon under there, rubbing your little paws together. It gives you some, then it decides
that’s enough
, and it’s not. So you have to pull out and pretend like you are a new set of hands going back in again. Same thing happens with the dryer—you don’t have any control. You have to put your hands under the vent to get the air to come out. It’s all to avoid germs, which is great, fantastic. Good for the health of the world. Then you walk over to that disease-ridden door handle, open it up, and head to the bowl of mixed nuts you’re sharing at the bar.
----
Technology has done one beautiful thing for us. It’s called the cell phone. There is now not one place in the world where a cell phone is not going off. And every cell phone now has its own little song! Good thing we got rid of those obnoxious rings, isn’t it?
When you’re on a cell phone, you can’t ever have a full conversation. Usually the reception is terrible, and somehow it’s only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no idea that you have bad reception. They’re rambling on and on and you’ve got your finger jammed in your ear. You’re shushing people on the street, ducking behind a Dumpster, putting your head between your knees, just so you can hear about your friend’s new haircut. “What about the bangs? Are they shorter? Are the bangs shorter? THE BANGS!!”
At least if there’s static you have some clue that you may get cut off. There’s nothing worse than when you have crystal-clear reception and you’ve been rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that the connection cut out who knows how long ago. Then you get paranoid. You’re scared to talk too long ever again. Next time you’re on the phone you become obsessed with checking. “So we were going to go to the cheese shop…
Hello
? Okay… And we knew we were having white wine…
Still there
? All right. And I thought, what kind of cheese would go with… ?
Did I lose you
? Okay… And I like Muenster…”
Even if you’re on a regular phone at home, you’ll be interrupted somehow. You’ll be interrupted by call-waiting most likely. Call-waiting was invented as a convenience, but let’s face it—it’s really turned into a mini People’s Choice awards. You find out right away who wins or loses. You’re having a pleasant conversation with someone you think is a good friend, and you hear the click, and you’re confident that they’re going to come back to you. Then they come back and say, “I’ve got to take this other call.” And you know what that means. They just said to the other person, “Let me get rid of this other call.” That’s what you just became: a call to get rid of. Then you learn to trick them the next time, when they say they’ve got to check on the other call. “Hey, when you come back, remind me to tell you something that somebody said about you! …
Hello
?”
Of course, you don’t have to pick up call-waiting. You can get voice mail. Voice mail will pick it up for you. My favorite voice mail is the one where you insert your name into a robotic message, and you end up sounding more like a robot than the robot itself. “Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. El-len is not available.” Is that how I say my name? Like HAL from
2001: A Space
dare
you! I’ll decide when I’m done!” And then other times it won’t go off when you want it to. You stand up and stare at the toilet. Sometimes you have to fake it out. You sit back down … stand up! Sit down … stand up! Then you try tiptoeing away as if you’re leaving. Nothing works.
Then, when you go to wash your hands, you don’t have any control of that either. The faucet has to see your hands first so it can decide how much water it’s going to give you. It gives out only a certain amount of water. You don’t know how much you’re getting, so you’re like a little raccoon under there, rubbing your little paws together. It gives you some, then it decides
that’s enough
, and it’s not. So you have to pull out and pretend like you are a new set of hands going back in again. Same thing happens with the dryer—you don’t have any control. You have to put your hands under the vent to get the air to come out. It’s all to avoid germs, which is great, fantastic. Good for the health of the world. Then you walk over to that disease-ridden door handle, open it up, and head to the bowl of mixed nuts you’re sharing at the bar.
----
Technology has done one beautiful thing for us. It’s called the cell phone. There is now not one place in the world where a cell phone is not going off. And every cell phone now has its own little song! Good thing we got rid of those obnoxious rings, isn’t it?
When you’re on a cell phone, you can’t ever have a full conversation. Usually the reception is terrible, and somehow it’s only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no idea that you have bad reception. They’re rambling on and on and you’ve got your finger jammed in your ear. You’re shushing people on the street, ducking behind a Dumpster, putting your head between your knees, just so you can hear about your friend’s new haircut. “What about the bangs? Are they shorter? Are the bangs shorter? THE BANGS!!”
At least if there’s static you have some clue that you may get cut off. There’s nothing worse than when you have crystal-clear reception and you’ve been rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that the connection cut out who knows how long ago. Then you get paranoid. You’re scared to talk too long ever again. Next time you’re on the phone you become obsessed with checking. “So we were going to go to the cheese shop…
Hello
? Okay… And we knew we were having white wine…
Still there
? All right. And I thought, what kind of cheese would go with… ?
Did I lose you
? Okay… And I like Muenster…”
Even if you’re on a regular phone at home, you’ll be interrupted somehow. You’ll be interrupted by call-waiting most likely. Call-waiting was invented as a convenience, but let’s face it—it’s really turned into a mini People’s Choice awards. You find out right away who wins or loses. You’re having a pleasant conversation with someone you think is a good friend, and you hear the click, and you’re confident that they’re going to come back to you. Then they come back and say, “I’ve got to take this other call.” And you know what that means. They just said to the other person, “Let me get rid of this other call.” That’s what you just became: a call to get rid of. Then you learn to trick them the next time, when they say they’ve got to check on the other call. “Hey, when you come back, remind me to tell you something that somebody said about you! …
Hello
?”
Of course, you don’t have to pick up call-waiting. You can get voice mail. Voice mail will pick it up for you. My favorite voice mail is the one where you insert your name into a robotic message, and you end up sounding more like a robot than the robot itself. “Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. El-len is not available.” Is that how I say my name? Like HAL from
2001: A Space
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