The Girl Who Blew Up Her Brother and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls by Christopher Milne

the girl who
blew up her
brother

    What would you think of a girl who didn’t like TV, hated lollies, wasn’t very keen on sport, loved school, thought all teachers were nice people and hated holidays?
    Crazy? Off the planet?
    Well, Janet Collins was all of those things, and more. She had no friends. None. But it didn’t worry her. She couldn’t have cared less if she never had to speak to anyone for the rest of her life.
    So what did she do? She read. Book after book after book. There was only one thing that excited Janet. Knowledge. Learning stuff.
    Well, that’s not quite true. There was one other thing that excited her but I’m not supposed to say. It’s not very nice.
    All right, I will – Janet had this secret wish to blow up her brother.
    It all began one day when Janet was reading a book about bombs. Her brother, Adam, had just sneaked up from behind and dipped her ponytail in the cat’s toilet tray. Poor Janet – as she turned to grab Adam, her wet ponytail flicked around and slapped her in the face.
    Adam was always teasing Janet. It was his favourite sport. Another time he put a dead rat in her bed, and once, just to really upset her, he dropped a brick on her toe.
    Janet was never quite sure why Adam teased her all the time, but in Adam’s mind the answer was simple. ‘Because it’s fun. And she’s such a loony. All she does is read all the time.’
    As I said, Janet was reading a book about bombs. And suddenly it came to her. Wouldn’t it be good to use all the stuff she’d learnt to get her stupid brother back? Once and for all? Wouldn’t it be great to blow him up?
    First, Janet asked for a chemistry set for her birthday, and then she went to the library. Unfortunately, books on how to blow up your brother were hard to find.
    OK, thought Janet, I’ll just have to invent something myself.
    Janet did get a chemistry set for her birthday. So every night after school for the next three weeks, Janet got out her chemistry set and made mixtures.
    A little bit of this plus a little bit of that equals… nothing. Maybe two bits of this plus one bit of that equals… not very much.
    In fact, it was more than a week before Janet worked out how to make bubbles. From there, however, things started to move quickly. Next she made some stuff that fizzed, and finally a mixture that sparked and flashed. With black smoke.
    Ooooh! thought Janet.
    Adam would sometimes watch Janet playing with her chemistry set, and of course he would tease her.
    â€˜Hope you blow your head off,’ he said one day.
    If only you knew, thought Janet.
    At last Janet was getting very close to making a bomb. One teaspoon of this plus five teaspoons of that added to one teaspoon of water makes a big flash. A very big flash.
    What would happen if she made it ten times as strong?
    Time to find out.
    When Janet’s neighbour heard a huge boom and then saw Janet’s cat come flying through her window, her neighbour was more than a little surprised.
    Janet was so excited she could hardly sit still. Now, to get her brother. Not to hurt him, just to scare him. A lot.
    Adam had always thought he was cool with girls. So cool, in fact, that he always reckoned it was best to have two girlfriends at once. That way he could have extra fun watching them fight over him.
    So Janet said one day that Adam must be a liar. She’d never seen him with one girlfriend, let alone two at once!
    â€˜Yeah,’ said Adam, ‘well, I have.’



‘Prove it then,’ said Janet. ‘Ask them around after school.’
    â€˜All right, I will,’ said Adam.
    Stupid Adam.
    Sure enough, that afternoon, two girls came to their house and sat in the lounge room. Adam didn’t quite know what to do with them, but at least he’d proven Janet wrong.
    In the kitchen, so the girls couldn’t hear, Janet said to Adam, ‘I don’t hear them fighting over