The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson Page A
Authors: Bobby Henderson
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means of travelin’ the Seven Seas. A ship gives you true meaning. It provides transport and opens the world to ye. Without one, you’re just a guy in a funny outfit.
So now ye have the trappings of a real Pirate. What are ye going to do with ’em?
5. F IND THEE A WENCH!
Or if you’re a wench, find thee a Pirate! 1 Wenches and Pirates go together like spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. 2 Now hit the seas and take what’s comin’ to ye!!!
The journey is a long one, and the voyage can sometimes be monotonous—long hours spent with the same merry band, consuming the same grog and gruel for months on end, bunking with the same wench. There’s only one way to avoid Pirate malaise.
6. W HEN IN DOUBT, PLUNDER!!
The only way to avoid inaction is to take action. Examine yer charts and locate a sleepy fishing village.
Then plunder it!
Find a town inhabited by wealthy noblemen.
And plunder them!
These days it’s too easy to sit back and find excuses. If you want to see what’s out there, go see it. Then plunder, plunder, plunder.
With these basic Pirate principles, you should be able to live out your days in happiness and prosperity. Follow them at all times, remembering their importance most when you’re lost and in the doldrums. And if by chance you find that you
still
can’t put wind into your sails, remember this last point …
7. A RRRGH!!!
To accept the Pirate life is to accept the eternal Arrrgh!!! Without it, you’re just another landlubber.
1 . Female Pirates should find themselves a stout male Pirate.
2 . So do same-sex Pirates, who are perfectly acceptable in Pirate culture.
The Holy Noodle
The First Day: Light
T HEN THE FSM SAID , “Let there be light,” and there was light. And the FSM adjusted his willowy eyestalks and saw that the light was good; and the FSM divided the light from the darkness. He called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night or “Prime Time.” So the evening and the morning were the first day.
The Second Day: The Firmament
The FSM was tired of flying and He couldn’t tread water for very long, so he said, “Let there be firmament in the midst of the waters, and let the firmament form coves to one day provide safe harbor for Pirates—no, wait, firmament is a stupid word; let it be called
land
, since ‘firmament-ho!’ sounds even stupider than just plain firmament—and let this land divide the waters from the waters. And let there be a volcano to spew forth beer, which seems like a benevolent idea.” And the volcano spewed forth beer and He tasted it and declared it to be quite good. So the evening and the morning were the second day.
The Third Day: Land and Vegetation
When the FSM awoke, his thoughts were muddled and He didn’t know where He was. Slightly hungover, and somewhere out in the Indian Ocean, the FSM found himself a little confused about what He’d created the day before; and so, self-conscious about the previous night’s misbehavior, He started barking Godlike orders in an attempt to reestablish His powerfulness, and then the FSM decided to organize. He said, “Let the water under the heavens be gathered together in one place, and let the dry land appear” (having forgotten about Day Two’s firmament command), and He called the dry land Earth (having onlyyesterday come up with the term
Land)
, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And the FSM dried His Noodly Appendages under the hot Light, and He saw that it was good but that there was a little problem. For now He had an earth full of Land
and
Firmament, which wouldn’t do. So he lifted Day Two’s firmament up to the heavens and renamed it Heaven. The land from Day Three He left where it was. Heaven seemed like the sweeter pad, and the FSM decided He’d live there and commute to the earth. Then the FSM said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, semolina, rice, and whatever else can be turned into food that resembles my Noodly Appendages,” and He saw that this was
So now ye have the trappings of a real Pirate. What are ye going to do with ’em?
5. F IND THEE A WENCH!
Or if you’re a wench, find thee a Pirate! 1 Wenches and Pirates go together like spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. 2 Now hit the seas and take what’s comin’ to ye!!!
The journey is a long one, and the voyage can sometimes be monotonous—long hours spent with the same merry band, consuming the same grog and gruel for months on end, bunking with the same wench. There’s only one way to avoid Pirate malaise.
6. W HEN IN DOUBT, PLUNDER!!
The only way to avoid inaction is to take action. Examine yer charts and locate a sleepy fishing village.
Then plunder it!
Find a town inhabited by wealthy noblemen.
And plunder them!
These days it’s too easy to sit back and find excuses. If you want to see what’s out there, go see it. Then plunder, plunder, plunder.
With these basic Pirate principles, you should be able to live out your days in happiness and prosperity. Follow them at all times, remembering their importance most when you’re lost and in the doldrums. And if by chance you find that you
still
can’t put wind into your sails, remember this last point …
7. A RRRGH!!!
To accept the Pirate life is to accept the eternal Arrrgh!!! Without it, you’re just another landlubber.
1 . Female Pirates should find themselves a stout male Pirate.
2 . So do same-sex Pirates, who are perfectly acceptable in Pirate culture.
The Holy Noodle
The First Day: Light
T HEN THE FSM SAID , “Let there be light,” and there was light. And the FSM adjusted his willowy eyestalks and saw that the light was good; and the FSM divided the light from the darkness. He called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night or “Prime Time.” So the evening and the morning were the first day.
The Second Day: The Firmament
The FSM was tired of flying and He couldn’t tread water for very long, so he said, “Let there be firmament in the midst of the waters, and let the firmament form coves to one day provide safe harbor for Pirates—no, wait, firmament is a stupid word; let it be called
land
, since ‘firmament-ho!’ sounds even stupider than just plain firmament—and let this land divide the waters from the waters. And let there be a volcano to spew forth beer, which seems like a benevolent idea.” And the volcano spewed forth beer and He tasted it and declared it to be quite good. So the evening and the morning were the second day.
The Third Day: Land and Vegetation
When the FSM awoke, his thoughts were muddled and He didn’t know where He was. Slightly hungover, and somewhere out in the Indian Ocean, the FSM found himself a little confused about what He’d created the day before; and so, self-conscious about the previous night’s misbehavior, He started barking Godlike orders in an attempt to reestablish His powerfulness, and then the FSM decided to organize. He said, “Let the water under the heavens be gathered together in one place, and let the dry land appear” (having forgotten about Day Two’s firmament command), and He called the dry land Earth (having onlyyesterday come up with the term
Land)
, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And the FSM dried His Noodly Appendages under the hot Light, and He saw that it was good but that there was a little problem. For now He had an earth full of Land
and
Firmament, which wouldn’t do. So he lifted Day Two’s firmament up to the heavens and renamed it Heaven. The land from Day Three He left where it was. Heaven seemed like the sweeter pad, and the FSM decided He’d live there and commute to the earth. Then the FSM said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, semolina, rice, and whatever else can be turned into food that resembles my Noodly Appendages,” and He saw that this was
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