The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson Page B

an original idea, which was certainly good. That night He drank a little less from the Beer Volcano, which was relocated to Heaven along with the rest of the firmament. So the evening and the morning were the third day.
The Fourth Day: the Sun, the Moon, the Stars
    At this point, the FSM was a little sore from overexertion. It was difficult for Him to find a comfortable resting position during the night, which was darker than squid-ink pasta would eventually be. So He said, “Let there be lights in the heavens, and let there be two lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser to rule the night.” And since He had big plans for the next day, He turned in early. So the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
The Fifth Day: The Big Bang
    The fifth day was going to be huge, so the FSM rose early. Then He said, “Let the waters abound, let the skies fill with birds, let the earth bring forth creatures, each according to its kind. Then let them canoodle and be fruitful.” And He saw that it was good, and He was feeling pretty proud of Himself, so He hit the Beer Volcano hard that afternoon.
    Later that evening He rolled out of bed and landed hard on the firmament, and this, fair reader, was the true Big Bang. He had a funnyfeeling and
realized
in His drunken stupor that He had not only built a factory in Heaven that turned out scantily clad women in transparent high heels, but He’d also created a midget on earth, whom He called Man. And He said, “Wow. Even I might have overreached my Noodly Appendage on this one,” and not even sure what day it was anymore, He decided to take an extended break from the whole creation gig, and He gave a quick blessing and declared, “From here on out, every Friday is a holiday.”
The Olive Garden of Eden
    That midget, however, was goddamn noisy. The FSM couldn’t deal with all the complaining down on earth, so the Lord FSM commanded the midget, saying, “Here’s an idea … why don’t you collect the semolina, rice, and what-have-you, and make pasta in my image. That’s what it’s there for. And fill your mouth with it and be quiet and peaceful. But be careful with the olive tree, for the olive itself is good, but the pit inside is rock hard and you could choke on it or break a tooth, so you should consider it as
evil;
if you choke on it you shall surely die, which would mean I wasted a hell of a lot of time on you, although I’m already having second thoughts.” Man wasn’t excited about eating pasta seven nights a week, so the FSM broke down and brought him all the animals, and Man renamed each as a food group. Cattle he called “beef.” Pigs he called “pork,” “ham,” or “bacon.” Strangely, Man stuck with “chicken” for chicken. Perhaps Man was tired at this point and had lost his sense of creativity.
    The FSM suggested that Man take a nap, so he did. When he awoke, the FSM said, “Man, have I got a surprise for you. Check this out.
Woman!”
    The midget stared blankly for a moment, then said, “Can I keep her?” And the FSM said, “From now on a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” and then the FSM thought to Himself,
This should be interesting
.
    “I owe you one,” said the midget-man.
    Before long, Man broke his damned tooth on that olive pit, and the FSM said, “What did I give you ears for if not to listen to me?” And Man said, “I have ears?” And he eventually located them on the sides of his head, but not before discovering a small Noodly Appendage between his legs, which he noticed was infinitely smaller than even the shortest of the FSM’s appendages, and he realized that his woman appeared to be thinking the same thing, so the midget-man said, “Hand me one of those fig leaves, will you?” Later the woman suggested that Man didn’t need such a big fig leaf, and she hinted that there might certainly be another Man somewhere on earth, maybe Eden had a