dilation effect. Plus, so many prayers are offered to Him that even He wouldn’t have the time to hear them all without a time dilation effect. For this reason, we suspect He spends a great deal of time orbiting a black hole.
Q: Does the FSM have a sense of humor?
A: We can see the FSM’s sense of humor by looking at the way He deals with other religions. Consider how often evangelical Christians, those who ostensibly promote peace, are aligned with prowar groups. Clearly, this is the work of the FSM, bringing together opposites. If there was no divine influence, the conflict of interest would be obvious to both groups; that they can’t see it smacks of Noodly interference.
WWAPD?
I N THESE TRYING TIMES , where the world keeps shrinking and the trappings of modern society—cell phones, computers, PDAs, video games, taxes, war, pornography, and microwavable dinners—are crowding in around us, oftentimes a person feels lost. Where do we fit in this modern world? What’s our purpose on earth?
Many are mired in eternal confusion, swept against the shoals of too many choices. Maybe you feel this way right now.
If so, don’t lose your faith. Instead, close your eyes and think back to a simpler time when the choices were fewer, when life passed as long days under the benevolent sun, and a man knew where he stood. Even if it was on a peg leg.
If life has got you down, simply ask yourself:
What would a Pirate do?
Asking this question will no doubt lead you along a path that starts at a local inn, where the first answer awaits you …
1. A P IRATE WOULD DRINK SOME GROG .
If grog isn’t the bread of life, it’s certainly what you need to keep that bread from catching in your gullet. Grog opens the mind and frees the soul. It also frees the inhibitions, so be mindful in your search that you don’t obtain grog goggles. Too much grog can make for questionable bunkmates, and if you’re wearing an eye patch you’re already a couple of cards behind in the game.
Once the mind has been appropriately lubricated, you may find that it wanders. This is good, for a wandering mind is a searching mind. And yet, if the mind strays too far, you may find yourself asking the wrong questions or even turning forgetful. Which leads you to …
2. A P IRATE WOULD OBTAIN A PARROT .
Parrots are renowned across the seas for repeating (or “parroting”) the words of humans. When a Pirate can’t recall what he’s just said, he canalways just wait a second or two for the parrot to repeat his words (for example, “Aaaak! Me hook is caught in me bonnie’s blouse”). A good parrot is essential to a happy and prosperous life of plunder, but parrots are about as scarce as Pirates these days. In a pinch you can substitute a computer, PDA, or even a diary to do your parroting for ye.
But computers, PDAs, diaries, and parrots are no substitute for true bonhomie. And drinking alone, even with a parrot perched on your shoulder, is not the Pirate way. This brings us to step three:
3. F IND YE A BAND OF MARAUDERS .
All the greats had a merry band of marauders to assist them—toothless, unshaven, and smelly. Seek for yourself a group of similar ilk. They will lift you up when you are down. And when you are whipped up into a bloodlust, you will find that they ground you. Blackbeard speaks of a time when he was at his most vulnerable—he looked back on the beach to see only one set of foot and peg leg prints. It was then that his first mate, “Ol’ Longshanks,” had carried
him
along the shore. Words to live by.
Once you have found your grog, your parrot, and your band of marauders, you are ready to act like a true Pirate. And what does a Pirate want most? He wants a Pirate ship …
4. I F YOU CAN’T STEAL ONE, build yar ship.
A Pirate just isn’t a Pirate if he doesn’t own a seaworthy vessel. You may have an eye patch, you may even have a parrot and a peg leg, but the true goal of any Pirate worth his weight in doubloons is to gain a
Q: Does the FSM have a sense of humor?
A: We can see the FSM’s sense of humor by looking at the way He deals with other religions. Consider how often evangelical Christians, those who ostensibly promote peace, are aligned with prowar groups. Clearly, this is the work of the FSM, bringing together opposites. If there was no divine influence, the conflict of interest would be obvious to both groups; that they can’t see it smacks of Noodly interference.
WWAPD?
I N THESE TRYING TIMES , where the world keeps shrinking and the trappings of modern society—cell phones, computers, PDAs, video games, taxes, war, pornography, and microwavable dinners—are crowding in around us, oftentimes a person feels lost. Where do we fit in this modern world? What’s our purpose on earth?
Many are mired in eternal confusion, swept against the shoals of too many choices. Maybe you feel this way right now.
If so, don’t lose your faith. Instead, close your eyes and think back to a simpler time when the choices were fewer, when life passed as long days under the benevolent sun, and a man knew where he stood. Even if it was on a peg leg.
If life has got you down, simply ask yourself:
What would a Pirate do?
Asking this question will no doubt lead you along a path that starts at a local inn, where the first answer awaits you …
1. A P IRATE WOULD DRINK SOME GROG .
If grog isn’t the bread of life, it’s certainly what you need to keep that bread from catching in your gullet. Grog opens the mind and frees the soul. It also frees the inhibitions, so be mindful in your search that you don’t obtain grog goggles. Too much grog can make for questionable bunkmates, and if you’re wearing an eye patch you’re already a couple of cards behind in the game.
Once the mind has been appropriately lubricated, you may find that it wanders. This is good, for a wandering mind is a searching mind. And yet, if the mind strays too far, you may find yourself asking the wrong questions or even turning forgetful. Which leads you to …
2. A P IRATE WOULD OBTAIN A PARROT .
Parrots are renowned across the seas for repeating (or “parroting”) the words of humans. When a Pirate can’t recall what he’s just said, he canalways just wait a second or two for the parrot to repeat his words (for example, “Aaaak! Me hook is caught in me bonnie’s blouse”). A good parrot is essential to a happy and prosperous life of plunder, but parrots are about as scarce as Pirates these days. In a pinch you can substitute a computer, PDA, or even a diary to do your parroting for ye.
But computers, PDAs, diaries, and parrots are no substitute for true bonhomie. And drinking alone, even with a parrot perched on your shoulder, is not the Pirate way. This brings us to step three:
3. F IND YE A BAND OF MARAUDERS .
All the greats had a merry band of marauders to assist them—toothless, unshaven, and smelly. Seek for yourself a group of similar ilk. They will lift you up when you are down. And when you are whipped up into a bloodlust, you will find that they ground you. Blackbeard speaks of a time when he was at his most vulnerable—he looked back on the beach to see only one set of foot and peg leg prints. It was then that his first mate, “Ol’ Longshanks,” had carried
him
along the shore. Words to live by.
Once you have found your grog, your parrot, and your band of marauders, you are ready to act like a true Pirate. And what does a Pirate want most? He wants a Pirate ship …
4. I F YOU CAN’T STEAL ONE, build yar ship.
A Pirate just isn’t a Pirate if he doesn’t own a seaworthy vessel. You may have an eye patch, you may even have a parrot and a peg leg, but the true goal of any Pirate worth his weight in doubloons is to gain a
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