The It Girl by Katy Birchall

worried.
    J x
    From: [email protected]
    To: [email protected]
    Subject: (no subject)
    I haven’t heard from you all night.
    Something’s happened, hasn’t it?
    WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED?

7.
    MY DAD HAS COMPLETELY LOST his mind.
    I knew something was wrong earlier this evening because he was acting all shifty. I couldn’t think of anything that might be bugging him, so I asked him whether Mrs. Trott had got into our trash can again.
    Mrs. Trott is our next-door neighbor who, when we first moved in, clearly had a bit of a thing for Dad. Unfortunately, she has quite a mean scary face, and Dad didn’t reciprocate Mrs. Trott’s amorous advances. After this, she has become very intently focused on our recycling in what appears to me to be an admirable attempt at crossing Dad’s path more regularly.
    One day I came home to find Dad a nervous wreck. It turned out that in a fit of passion over Dad’s refusal to comply with her previous instruction, she had got into our trash can.So when Dad took the trash out of the house and opened the lid to the outside can, there was Mrs. Trott’s scary face staring right up at him.
    According to witnesses, Dad had “screamed at an impressive pitch” and then fallen backward over his pile of trash bags. Mrs. Trott, I was told, calmly climbed out of the can and simply said, “Recycle, you fool,” then threw a last lingering look over her shoulder.
    Dad has recycled meticulously since.
    â€œNo, Mrs. Trott wasn’t in our trash can. Why?” Dad replied, looking up in a panic. “I’ve been so careful!”
    â€œCalm down, Dad,” I said in my most reassuring voice. “Mrs. Trott has been extremely pleased with your recycling recently.” He looked visibly calmer. “But why are you acting so weird? You’re creeping me out.”
    Then he said, all defensive, “I’m not acting weird,” and started tidying the phone table. I watched him for a minute and then got bored, shrugged, and left him to be abnormal on his own.
    So when he came into the living room and made me turn off my laptop, I was kind of relieved because I could finally find out what had been going on.
    He sat down next to me and took a deep breath. “I have asked my . . . um . . . girlfriend to come over to meet you this evening. I hope that’s all right?”
    â€œOh right! Uh, yeah, of course that’s fine.”
    â€œThere is something I just want to explain to you first.”
    He gave me a funny look.
    â€œThis girlfriend is . . . unique.” He stopped and clamped his hands together in front of him, leaning forward. “She is special.”
    â€œOkay, Dad, I get it. This one’s different. Don’t worry, I’ll be on my best behavior. I promise I won’t tell her that story about when you angered that ostrich.”
    â€œThat’s very kind of you, but that’s actually not what I meant.”
    â€œOkay,” I said, rolling my eyes. Now I got it. “It’s because she’s really young, isn’t it? If that is the case, you definitely don’t need to worry. You have really good hair for your age. Unless she’s early twenties or something, in which case I’m sorry, but you both need to re-evaluate your lives.”
    â€œNo, look, she’s my age, she’s fine. It’s just . . .” He took a deep breath. “Anna, my girlfriend is Helena Montaine.”
    I blinked at him.
    â€œHelena Montaine,” I repeated slowly.
    â€œAs in . . . the actress,” he confirmed, looking at me intently.
    â€œAs in the really famous actress.”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œAs in the really famous two-time Oscar-winning actress.”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œYou’re dating Helena Montaine, the actress?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œHelena Montaine, the famous actress, is dating my