The Journal (Her Master's Voice) by Liv Honeywell, Domitri Xavier

look in my journal?”
    It was a long moment before she spoke and, when she did, her voice was strained with barely held back tears.
    “I was… I was thinking about the list. I was… I was thinking that there were so many things to do. And… and I didn’t want to let you down. And I thought I’d forgotten one, maybe more than one, and I… I didn’t want to… erm… I… I didn’t want to…”
    Her voice cracked.
    “What do you do if you’re in any doubt about an order, or a command? What do you do?” he asked.
    “I ask you,” she whispered.
    “So why didn’t you ask me?”
    “B-because you were busy. And I didn’t want to interrupt. I thought… I’m sorry, Sir.”
    “There’s no need to apologise. It’s done. I don’t want you to be sorry. I want to know the reason,” he pressed. “I don’t think you’re quite telling me the truth. I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose but I don’t think you’re quite telling me the truth.”
    She wanted to protest. She never lied to him and she thought she was telling the truth. She cast about desperately for what else she could say. What else was there?
    “I can’t believe you went to that journal innocently,” he continued, severely. “Imagining that you could get the order from there and then, most of all, not tell me.”
    If it were possible for her to squirm herself into the floor she would have done it.
    “I should have. I know. I should have told you. I tried but I… Oh, Sir, I’m so sorry. I… I…”
    “Stop apologising.”
    Another long pause. Again she tried to think what else. If there was more she wanted him to have it. She wanted him to have everything. The whole truth.
    She started to speak again, feeling her way for herself as much as him, trying to remember.
    “I was… I was… just too busy focusing on what I was doing. I didn’t think and I should have thought. I should have thought so much before I did it. I was… thinking about how many things I had to do and trying not to forget any of them, and I knew I had.”
    She stopped for a second, remembering that awful moment when she’d realised she couldn’t remember the whole list. Again!
    “I knew… I couldn’t remember everything and I didn’t know whether there was only one thing I’d forgotten or whether there were more… and I was… I panicked. After last week, when I forgot something and you punished me, I was scared and I panicked. I didn’t want to see the expression on your face when I…”
    He interrupted her firmly.
    “So you ask me. You send me a message or you call me. You never look in my journal.” He paused for a moment, letting that sink in. “Now look at me.”
    She took a shaky breath, but managed to meet his eyes.
    “Yes, Sir.”
    “Tell me - promise me you will never look in that journal again.”
    “I promise.”
    “Promise that if you don’t understand something you’ll find some way to contact me.”
    “I promise. I will.”
    “And I know that you will never, ever do anything to hurt me like that again.”
    Tears slid down her face. She could bear so much, but the knowledge that she had hurt him cut deep inside her.
    “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never would have. I promise. I promise, Sir, I won’t ever do that again.”
    He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and rubbing her back.
    “Shush now. No more tears. I know you’re sorry and I know you wouldn’t ever do it again. I had to test you because I knew you had done it. I saw you. Not only that, but you didn’t tell me about it. I tell you, that was the most hurtful thing.”
    Another sob shook her and his arms tightened around her.
    “Sir, I’m so...”
    “No, please. You don’t need to keep apologising. Don’t cry, sweetheart. I know your intent was good and I know your heart is good. You wouldn’t be here if I felt anything less than that...”
    He paused and took in a deep breath.
    “Do you think I derive any pleasure from this? Do you