in my thirties, because it’s safer that way, Kate. Surely you’ve seen the statistics. It’s much healthier for both mother and baby if you have your children before forty.”
“Well, gee,” I say faux sweetly, “I’m so sorry I didn’t start dating Dan in time to suit your baby-making schedule.”
“I’m just saying that you basically spent your thirties with your head buried in the sand, obsessing over Patrick. Look at Gina; she moved on, didn’t she? If you’d wanted a child, you should have seized the opportunity while you still had the chance.”
I stare at her as my chest grows tight with anger. “It doesn’t work like that, Susan. I couldn’t just snap my fingers and be okay. You have no idea what it feels like to lose a husband.”
“No, I don’t. But I know that Dan’s a good guy. And you could really screw things up if you start obsessing about babies and fertility now when it’s not even something you really want.”
“How do you know whether it’s something I want?” I demand, my voice rising an octave. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Oliver glance at us with concern.
“Well, is it?” she asks. “Do you want to have a baby?”
“Yes! Maybe. I don’t know.” I avoid looking at her, because I’m sure she’s wearing her infuriating I-knew-I-was-right expression. “It’s just that I’m not ready for that decision to be made for me.”
“Kate,” Susan says, and her tone is gentler than it was a moment ago. “Can you really imagine Dan as a father?”
“Of course!”
“But he hates my kids,” she says softly.
“What? He doesn’t hate them!”
“Okay, maybe he doesn’t hate them. But he doesn’t like them either. Have you ever seen him interact with them when he doesn’t absolutely have to?”
I open my mouth to defend him, but I realize I can’t think of a single time I’ve ever seen him exchange more than awkward, obligatory hellos with my niece and nephew. “He’s just not comfortable around them,” I finally say. “He’s not used to kids.”
“Sweetie, he doesn’t like kids,” she says. “So if you’re worried about how he’s going to react to your news, don’t be.”
“Really?” I ask. I can feel some of the tension drain from my shoulders. But at the same time, there’s a knot forming in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m absolutely positive he’s going to be fine with it,” she says firmly. She waits until I look up to add the rest. “But the question is, are you?”
She waits a beat before clapping her hands together once and smiling. “Now. Let’s get down to wedding talk, shall we?”
I stare at her. “Are you kidding?”
She looks blank. “Why would I be?”
I clench my jaw. “Look, thanks for doing this, Susan. The wedding binder—it’s a good idea. But I really need to talk to Dan before we dive into all this planning, okay? Say hi to the kids for me.”
I drop a ten-dollar bill on the table and walk away before she can respond.
Outside, I head downtown. The longer I walk, though, the worse I feel. Sure, Susan doesn’t quite get me, but her heart’s in the right place most of the time. After a minute, I pull out my phone and call her, intending to apologize, but she doesn’t pick up. I start to put the phone away, but then I retrieve it from my bag and dial Gina instead.
“So how did you do it?” I ask when she answers.
“Hello to you too.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Okay. I’ll bite. How did I do what?”
“Put Bill behind you,” I say in a small voice. “Move on. Get married to someone else. Have a child with someone else.”
“Oh,” she says sadly. She and her husband Wayne have a three-year-old daughter named Madison now. “You just have to think of it as a different life,” she says after a minute. “Maybe not the life you were intended to have, or even the life you thought you were intended to have. But it’s still your life, just like the old one was.”
I absorb this for a
“Well, gee,” I say faux sweetly, “I’m so sorry I didn’t start dating Dan in time to suit your baby-making schedule.”
“I’m just saying that you basically spent your thirties with your head buried in the sand, obsessing over Patrick. Look at Gina; she moved on, didn’t she? If you’d wanted a child, you should have seized the opportunity while you still had the chance.”
I stare at her as my chest grows tight with anger. “It doesn’t work like that, Susan. I couldn’t just snap my fingers and be okay. You have no idea what it feels like to lose a husband.”
“No, I don’t. But I know that Dan’s a good guy. And you could really screw things up if you start obsessing about babies and fertility now when it’s not even something you really want.”
“How do you know whether it’s something I want?” I demand, my voice rising an octave. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Oliver glance at us with concern.
“Well, is it?” she asks. “Do you want to have a baby?”
“Yes! Maybe. I don’t know.” I avoid looking at her, because I’m sure she’s wearing her infuriating I-knew-I-was-right expression. “It’s just that I’m not ready for that decision to be made for me.”
“Kate,” Susan says, and her tone is gentler than it was a moment ago. “Can you really imagine Dan as a father?”
“Of course!”
“But he hates my kids,” she says softly.
“What? He doesn’t hate them!”
“Okay, maybe he doesn’t hate them. But he doesn’t like them either. Have you ever seen him interact with them when he doesn’t absolutely have to?”
I open my mouth to defend him, but I realize I can’t think of a single time I’ve ever seen him exchange more than awkward, obligatory hellos with my niece and nephew. “He’s just not comfortable around them,” I finally say. “He’s not used to kids.”
“Sweetie, he doesn’t like kids,” she says. “So if you’re worried about how he’s going to react to your news, don’t be.”
“Really?” I ask. I can feel some of the tension drain from my shoulders. But at the same time, there’s a knot forming in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m absolutely positive he’s going to be fine with it,” she says firmly. She waits until I look up to add the rest. “But the question is, are you?”
She waits a beat before clapping her hands together once and smiling. “Now. Let’s get down to wedding talk, shall we?”
I stare at her. “Are you kidding?”
She looks blank. “Why would I be?”
I clench my jaw. “Look, thanks for doing this, Susan. The wedding binder—it’s a good idea. But I really need to talk to Dan before we dive into all this planning, okay? Say hi to the kids for me.”
I drop a ten-dollar bill on the table and walk away before she can respond.
Outside, I head downtown. The longer I walk, though, the worse I feel. Sure, Susan doesn’t quite get me, but her heart’s in the right place most of the time. After a minute, I pull out my phone and call her, intending to apologize, but she doesn’t pick up. I start to put the phone away, but then I retrieve it from my bag and dial Gina instead.
“So how did you do it?” I ask when she answers.
“Hello to you too.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Okay. I’ll bite. How did I do what?”
“Put Bill behind you,” I say in a small voice. “Move on. Get married to someone else. Have a child with someone else.”
“Oh,” she says sadly. She and her husband Wayne have a three-year-old daughter named Madison now. “You just have to think of it as a different life,” she says after a minute. “Maybe not the life you were intended to have, or even the life you thought you were intended to have. But it’s still your life, just like the old one was.”
I absorb this for a
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