The Mandates by Dave Singleton

Bible-thumping, poorly dressed homophobes, riddled with insecurities about their budding relationship, and stuck listening to endless streams of “straights-only” wedding talk. They broke up soon after the trip, attributing the downfall to excessive pressure.
    In retrospect, they learned an important lesson. Don’t speak too soon and find yourself in situations that, while tough for any couple, are impossible for a new gay couple. Don’t underestimate the stress involved in demanding activities such as meeting parents, family, and friends, visiting hometowns, and attending weddings. In the first few months of dating, be careful what you say, where you go together, and what you promise.
    The things you should never, ever, for any reason say out loud to another living soul in the first six months of dating are:
    TO HIM
    I’ll love you forever.
    This is it. I just know.
    It doesn’t matter to me what my friends think when they meet you. They’ll love you.
    Your HIV status doesn’t make a difference to me at all.
    At the bathhouse last night, I ran into a guy who reminded me of you.
    Maybe we should just move in together. Things are going so well.
    I’d love to meet your parents.
    What’s the big deal? It’s just meeting my mother. She likes everyone.
    I have this wedding I’d like you to go to with me.
    Oh, no, I don’t mind at all when you leave the cap off the toothpaste.
    Since we agreed to be monogamous, it’s okay to do anything we want sexually, right?
    TO ANYONE ELSE
    He’s perfect.
    He needed to borrow fifteen hundred dollars. Of course I gave him a loan.
    So he spends entire weekends alone with his ex-boyfriend—so what? I think it’s nice they’re friends.
    Do you think he’s right for me?
    We just know each other so well. We have no secrets.
    I’m so flattered and honored that he wants us to share one checking account.
    It’s not that he doesn’t want to see me, it’s that he just needs a little more space for him on weekends so that he can focus on me when he’s with me.
    He just drinks that much because he’s under a lot of stress right now.
    He wasn’t cruising that other guy. He’s just naturally flirtatious.

14
    HIT ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE
    (And Double Your Wardrobe)

    Face it. Sharing clothes is a bonus. And as Pearl Bailey said (or
should
have said), “Honey, I’ve had big and I’ve had small, and same size is better.” Just make sure he has good taste.
    You do not want to tumble off your tasteful perch and end up on a downward spiral. You must avoid a fashion free fall from which your only option is picking yourself up, dusting off those Sergio Valente jeans and bad jewelry, and starting all over again.
    You don’t want the man who lives for the postcards from Nordstrom announcing their 75 percent off sale. Nor do you want the guy who makes statements like “Oh, I only wear Giancarlo Ferre—his draping fabrics from Turkey cement my signature look.”
    You need to find a guy who buys from the same three clothing stores as you. If you are Banana Republic, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Kenneth Cole, and he is Eddie Bauer, Sears, and the Burlington Coat Factory, chances for your longevity as a couple are not promising.
    â€œIt’s not like I’d ever make sharing clothes a major criterion of dating,” said Jay, a twenty-four-year-old salesman trainee from Connecticut, “but it’s definitely a perk.”
    It’s a perk that guys don’t take advantage of enough. While God blesses the “Saint Bernard and Chihuahua” couple combinations that you see all too often, such as the five-foot-one dude with the six-foot-three hulk, you have to admit it’s poor planning. Both may be beefy and built, but a T-shirt for one is a leg warmer for the other. Where’s the clothes-sharing potential in that combination? How do you double your wardrobe without