The Mandates by Dave Singleton Page B

that you forget to have fun. If you are tense, you will set the tone for the whole evening. Set up the meeting as best you can, then relax.
    Keep him at the epicenter. This evening is all about him, and the two of you. It’s not a college reunion where you sit around reminiscing with old pals, or a catch-up session with your buddies. Only discuss topics that everyone can participate in, and when there are references to past events, make sure you bring your date into the conversation.
    When you meet
his
friends without the “home court advantage,” here’s what you should do:
    Be aware of the dynamics. Just being aware of the possible array of reactions to you is an important step. You don’t want to be cynical, but you’d be naive to think that all his friends and family are waiting to welcome you with open arms. Of course, it’s possible, and maybe meeting them will be friction-free. But chances are good that someone will be threatened by your presence, fearful of what it will mean, and consciously or unconsciously sabotaging.
    Don’t take anything personally. This is a good rule in general for life, but when it comes to his friends, remember that in their minds, you might be the reason that their fun and freewheeling pal is no longer available to them 24/7. They might resent you for it.
    Make pals with the leader of his pack. Who is the alpha dog in his group of friends? Pay a little extra attention to him or her. Chances are this is the person who will rule either in favor or opposition to you, then influence the others.
    Be patient with your guy as he handles his friends’ reaction to you. If he has friends who are difficult, or not supportive of your dating relationship, I’d bet he already knows this is a problem but does not know what to do about it. You will get a lot further if you bite your lip before criticizing than you will if you start bad-mouthing his friends right off the bat.
    When you reach a comfortable place in your dating relationship (not before a couple of months), gently point out any sabotaging behaviors from his friends. You’ll have a little time and credibility under your belt, and you will slowly have amassed the evidence to then gently make your case.

16
    WHEN MALE EGOS COLLIDE: MR. TITANIC, MEET MR. ICEBERG

    You are a guy. Socialized and trained from birth to expect that your needs will be met in a timely fashion. You probably invest much of your identity in your job. And you internalize hurt way too much. And of all the aerobic exercise you do, you are probably most adept at “jumping to conclusions.” Probably to a good techno house beat.
    Even though you’re gay, you are still a guy. The gay gene is not always as dominant over other character-trait genes as we might think, and remember, you are fighting what Carl Jung refers to as millions of years of male “collective unconscious”—a history of male patterns and behaviors passed down from generation to generation that then become part of our genetic makeup.
    So the question is, on paper, would you want to date another you? Would you jump at the chance to date someone who has your same issues? Well?
    Unfortunately, we don’t live on paper or the answer might be simple. “Hell no!” you might shout in defiance. But don’t forget you are fighting powerful forces of sexual chemistry and rules of attraction. Most of the men you crave will be similar to you in core ways, so accept that his traits, and yours, have advantages as well as disadvantages.

    Mike and Will, two twenty-something, ambitious business consultants at competing companies, met in East Hampton, New York, during a summer picnic. The sun was shining, they were relaxed, and their conversation led to dinner, which led to dating.
    Their work schedules were similar: seventy-hour weeks, getting paged at random by clients, and when duty called, dating came to a standstill. Despite similar schedules and